Things Which Amuse Me :: The Adventures of Snipergirl

Not really updating here anymore

2011-05-21T22:46:00.001+10:00

You can find me here

A Medical Tragedy.

2010-01-30T10:40:00.001+11:00

80s rock hair gave them all whiplash- the neck injury and the Whip-Style Hair Injury (WSHI).

The answer? Whip-Style Hair Injury Treatment, or WSH-IT.

The neck braces involved are available for $20 a pop with a WSH-IT sticker attached.

The purveyor?

The "Make A WSH-IT Foundation".

A Toast to The Future

2009-12-19T22:38:00.004+11:00

If this outgoing decade is "the Naughties", then I declare the next decade to be...

"The Tweens"

Kind Regards,
Forsooth,
The Oracle.

In Loving Tribute

2009-11-17T08:03:00.010+11:00

A glorious event occurred on the information superhighway, the intar-webs, if you will. A moment of extreme humour, a meme beyond all memes. A joke that never gets old, with its many permutations.

That thing is…

… KanyeGate.

Little would anyone think that a rare moment of lucidity from Kanye West, in which he received the profound wisdom on the mount of some sort of minor video award thingy that in fact, tweens are terrible, and Taylor Swift is, in fact, a terrible tween twidol, would lead to such illustrious imaginings and continuing insight.

I present to you the best of Kanyegate.

A glorious event occurred on the information superhighway, the intar-webs, if you will. A moment of extreme humour, a meme beyond all memes. A joke that never gets old, with its many permutations.

That thing is…

… KanyeGate.

I present to you the best of Kanyegate.

A glorious event occurred on the information superhighway, the intar-webs, if you will. A moment of extreme humour, a meme beyond all memes. A joke that never gets old, with its many permutations.

That thing is…

… KanyeGate.

I present to you the best of Kanyegate.

A glorious event occurred on the information superhighway, the intar-webs, if you will. A moment of extreme humour, a meme beyond all memes. A joke that never gets old, with its many permutations.

That thing is…

… KanyeGate.

I present to you the best of Kanyegate.

Wait… what? (A Dramatic Comedie in 6 Acts)

2009-10-22T02:20:00.001+11:00

Me:

Who the fuck is Taylor Lautner and what is with his ill-fitting “too tight” dress shirts?

FOR THAT MATTER WHO THE HELL IS TAYLOR SWIFT ANYWAY?! BEYONCé probably DID HAVE A BETTER video THAN HER!

Skittlesness:

OMG are you serious?!?!? Taylor Lautner is the actor who plays Jacob Black in Twilight and New Moon!! His “‘too tight’ dress shirts” as you call them, as you see in the pictures…the ones with him in longsleeve shirts are for a photo shoot for GQ Magazine, and the V-neck ones are most likely from him as his character, Jacob Black.

And OOOMG TAYLOR SWIFT IS AWESOME!! Beyonce’s videos WERE great, but even though Beyonce won for Video Of The Year, TAYLOR SWIFT STILL WON FOR “YOU BELONG WITH ME” AND SHE FUCKING DESERVED IT. KANYE WEST CAN GO FUCK OFF FOR INTERRUPTING TAYLOR’S SPEECH AND SAYING THAT!! If you don’t know who Taylor Swift is, you have some Googling and music listening to do. FOR REALS.

Me:

Additionally, “Twilight” is a crap, poorly written ~~book~~ ~~movie~~ soap opera anyway. BUFFY 4EVA!! hahahaha

Skittlesness:

Hey, it is NOT poorly written. I’ve never even seen Buffy so I’m just not even going to begin to compare the two. But I WILL say that IMO the Twilight saga is NOT poorly written. If it was poorly written, it would not be so popular!! But you didn’t ask about the book, you asked who Taylor Lautner is. He’s the hottest 17-year-old I’ve ever seen.

Me:

Oh man, chill out! They’re just celebrities!

Skittlesness:

Okay. I will….one more thing….they’re hot celebrities…both Taylors.

From here

Crazy Old Lady Futures Inc.

2009-10-15T18:44:00.001+11:00

	Me	Sarah
Multitude of animals	Cats	Dogs
Walking aids	6-wheel frame; 8-point stick (octo-stick) – far more hardcore than 2 or 4 wheel frames or single point sticks.	Scooter with ratty Maltese dog on top and a Maltese flag waving at the side for no apparent reason.
Vehicles	Motorcycle with sidecar. Cats to sit in sidecar with small helmet or tam-o-shanter, flying goggles or scarves.	A panzer tank with ratty Maltese dog wearing a knitted jumper and a Maltese flag waving at the side for no apparent reason.

Sugar & spice; Frogs & snails.

2009-10-12T22:59:00.001+11:00

“Nutmeg is awesome! Nut of Meg! Meg’s nuts!

Meg is an awesome dude!”

- Me: om nom nom roast night last night. MEAT.

Lost in Translation? No longer! (Sorry Scarlett)

2009-08-09T01:55:00.001+10:00

I had been sent on quite an interesting day trip to a Translation Party. Seeing that they had developed a rather advanced and, shall I say, mystical, method for ensuring that translation is consistent back and forth - what a previously unseen technology! - I decided to submit a worthy text to this verification.

This text was indeed the Tao Te Ching, that philosophical text of the ancient chinese that often allies with Buddhism to great ends. It is in fact one with many a translation from Mandarin, all of which are considered inadequate due to differences between the Mandarin and English words.

Running it through an English/Japanese/English/Japanese/English/Japanese... process at first seemed a little inappropriate. Then I rememberd that not only do China and Japan both have Buddhism and other similarities, but no-one seems to be able to tell those "Asians" apart anyway, apparently!

The only editing that I have done since is to run it through the humble "Microsoft Word" spellcheck and grammar check.

Here is the sacred text:

Forever, please enter your name forever YUZATAOTAO. The unnamable is the eternally real. This particular name? Free from desire, you realize the mystery. Wish, to participate please see the symptoms. Also, the same source, the cause of the mysterious phenomenon. Sources, and is called black. Night. Gateway to all understanding.
Beautiful people, ugly, please refer to some other things. If people are good, please see the other bad thing. Here, each one creates a sequence. It can be difficult to deal with each other. Long and short define each other. High and low
If over esteem great men, people become powerless. If you overestimate, people begin to steal ownership. Indicates a weakening of the core areas of our ambition and determination! Husband. To create the confusion, I lost all hope of him, I know. In fact, my plan?
Now, like the Tao: We are using. This is like the eternal void: filled with infinite possibilities. Disappears. I, I'm not sure that I gave birth. It is older than God.
And aspects of the Tao, you can give birth to both good and evil. To support your husband. She is welcomed sinners and saints. Tao is like the bellows of the air: The possibilities are endless. We are used to understand the productivity of the discussion. I am located in the heart of their own.
The Tao is called the Great Mother: still, the birth of the world, sustained a sky that never ends. It is presented to you. If you can use.
Tao is the eternal infinite. Why is it eternal? It was born. To die for. Infinite? I hope. Therefore, present in all living organisms. Master has fallen again, but she refused. Is separated from her. One of them is her. She is to meet him.
Water of good nutrition. This place, people are content to ignore. Therefore, the Tao. I'm living in a house near the ground. The idea is simple. In conflict, fairness and generosity. The ruling party, please do not try to control. I do enjoy my job? In family life, fully present. The only competition is not for everyone, you can compare the customer satisfaction.
I can spit out water in the bowl. NAIFUSHAPUNASUTOKKU is blunt. And money, security and tracking, heart-pounding. We are pleased to note the support of the prisoners. Please step back to work. Just a gentle path.
If the drift can be used to protect the integrity of the center, the original drawings, or? Flexibility of the new baby? Your vision is to provide a display of light and blessing of the following? Imposing love it cannot lead to
I have been taking part were asked to move your car to drive to the hole. We need to drop a clay pot. We hammer home livable space. We are working on.
The eyes of the colorblind. I have heard the sound of the washing. Taste the flavor of paralysis. Weakening of the heart. Fading conditions. Master, confident vision to observe the world. He is coming. His mind is open to the sky.
There is a risk of failure and success. Hopes and fears are hollow. The main risks of failure and success? Precarious position, you can choose whether to climb the ladder. Feet to the ground, an order to maintain the order of a single instruction
Also, not shown. I heard unheard. Know how to access. The above is not bright. Dark. Seamless, unnamable, it returns to the realm of nothing. All of the forms, images and image formats,
Sensitive issues, please ancient master. It was this mystical wisdom. Either way, you can explain how to explain the cause of all. I have a flow of ice? Warning as a warrior in enemy territory. Courte
Given all the empty hearts. I will show you the peace of mind. Confusion of the biological clock, the back hatch. Is a common source, and returned to the field. This is cool. If you have not noticed, the acidity
If the rule is to recognize the existence of a master. The most well-known leaders. Next, they are concerned. Contempt is the worst. If you do not trust do not trust them. I'm talking about your husband's work. His works, and people, "Amazing: We are, all I have!"
Respect and common sense, please click on the album. We reduced the steps in front of the body of knowledge and cleverness. If there is peace in the family, filial piety begins. If the country has been confused with the birth of patriotism.
God, 100, will be thrown to the left of the wisdom of their properties. Throw away morality and justice, and we will do the right thing. This is not a thief, and threw the interests of the industry. If you are, please contact us. If necessary, the core of the problem is, of course, you know.
Stop thinking of the last. Jesus is the difference? What's the difference between success and failure and how? Other people to prevent and avoid value, other people do I need? How ridiculous! Similarly, to run the parade. I
Her album is shining in the mind of the master. I cannot understand the Tao. Your sense of yourself? Not persist in thinking of her. Tao is dark and mysterious. Or radiation can be like her? She can have it. Time and space, go Tao. And nanotechnology. If you know what? Please see for yourself.
If necessary, you can become part of the whole. If bent straight. If necessary, please fill in the blanks. If necessary, leave the neonatal mortality. If necessary, give everything to be given to all. MASUTATAO, please set an example of organisms. He can see the light. He is to prove that it does not trust his words. You know I know
To fully express themselves are quiet. When winds of nature: the wind only. And drizzling rain, rain, clouds, please pass the brilliance of the sun. This album, in order to achieve the full album. I can use it to open the wisdom and insight of your sincerity. You can be completely lost your loss. , Held a natural reaction of the Tao, I do not trust it.
He can stand on tiptoe on the form. Distance is not overwhelmed. He has been refined in the light dims. He has not really defined. Than he is something else to force the power supply. He is now; I wanted to create a piece of the patient. Tao? Or send a written employment contract?
However, to complete the birth of the universe. Quiet. Empty. Isolated. Invariant. Infinite. The existence forever. This is the mother of the universe. A better name, I call the Tao. Everything flows. Tao is great. Space. Earth is great. This is a great man. These are the four great powers. Man of the earth. Earth space is the following. Tao, the universe is as follows. This is Tao.
Gravity is the root of this. Affected by the source of all movement. To do this, do not leave a day trip, the owner of the house. However, great views, she stays serenely in itself. Lord, if you like a fool, city, country, or if you need to skip? If so, contact with the root of the loss, the hurt around it. If you are excited about the move.
To change your travel plans are not intended arrival. Also, if intuitive, you can send the best artists. We have something for him in the heart of the concept of science and technology. Therefore, to refuse to provide a master of all. He does not waste anything that is ready to use all the circumstances. This is called embodying the light also. Or teachers? Bad man, good man's job? This is a loss of intellectual understanding. This is a big secret.
Protection of women and men: in your arms is the world. Tao has taken the world still looks like a small child. World is white: I know a black pattern. If the pattern for the world, the Tao, nothing is more powerful. Personally, physically, yet I know: you can use to maintain order in the world. If the album was a primitive world of flash. Boyd and Thursday, this tool is configured in the world. MASUTATSURUBUROKKU: you can use to know her.
What if something good is happening in the world? I cannot do that. This is the sacred world. To improve it. If you want to tweak, you are to mess it up. If the object is lost. The rest of the time that is active in the first movement of a short-term risk. In this study, the master, is trying to control them. She is with you; we will introduce you to the center of the circle.
Tao is a matter of rule, defeat the enemy, and are all dependent on power. All KAUNTAFOSU forces. The recovery of the violence of the night, he always has. Stop the work of a master. Is in the process of trying to understand the control of governing the universe, His eternal IBENTOTAO are in contrast. Because he is thinking for himself, he is not trying to persuade others. Because he is content in it, he does not require the approval of others. Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.
Hatred and violence, weapons, tools of all decent men. Weapons are tools of terrorism. Direst pinch, other people to use the utmost restraint to avoid the need for. Peace is his highest value. They either can be the most peace? Satan is the enemy, his own people like him. No injuries. He BUARIMASEN victory. If I won a happy slaughter? He is ponderously, with great sorrow and sympathy, as if attending a funeral, he enters the battle.
Tao is not aware of. Included in the galaxy of thousands of electrons. If men and women, pottery, to maintain a healthy balance. World of Gardens. Peace for us, I think I have written based on the spirit of the law. The name of the time, I know my form and tentative. If the function of the organization is required. If you stop, you can reduce your risk. Tao is the flow of the river near the sea.
You can find other information. I know your wisdom. Is the strength of the master. Mastering yourself is true power. If you can find the real world. Our hearts forever, please accept the death of the stand of the entire stay.
The Tao flows everywhere. Since birth, I have yet. Does not solve the problem. World is infinite, and nutrition, they are not expecting it yet. In some cases, hidden, you can start to merge please. You can melt it. Does not recognize its greatness. This is really great.
She is in China, she is dangerous to you. She and I are in harmony and peace in the world is a big pain. For more information, and pause music, food and, if necessary, please enjoy the scent. However, the taste of the word Tao is like a dull point. And if there is NO. You can listen to me. If used on a permanent basis.
Do I have to be placed automatically? If you dispose of something, you must first be able to prosperity. If you want something, you must first be able to specify. Is known as a subtle way of recognition. In order to overcome the hard and soft. Slow, fast overcome. The following mechanisms still remain a mystery. We are the only people that are the result.
Tao is all that is done yet. If men and women, will be converted to a power play of the rhythm of nature. Of our national life, for free, go to the next step. I will be peace.
I tried to master the powerful. This is really powerful. Is to maintain the highest level of access of our debt. If my husband is still incomplete, he is. Normal person is why I have a lot of time. The man is still incomplete. Recently, some places are still a lot of people. If you will need to be used to control the bird of human morality. The Tao is lost. Lose interest in your morals. Morality is lost, there is ritual. Confusion is the beginning of true faith in the representation of the shell. Therefore, rather than the depth of the master, on the surface, my interest in flowers and fruits. He has a will of their own. He can be my fantasy.
Sky, Tao, on the planet, as always, will be updated to collect all the creatures of the large harmonic content again. For men, china, sky, earth or dirt, please obtain the balance of biodegradable interference please extinction. He must understand the role of master. We always, in fact, are his humility. He is the radiance of the jewels; the Tao is like a stone that is irregular in shape.
Back to the movement of Tao. Tao is the way of surrender. We are born into. Are born than any other.
This album is heard when you start to realize the man. If a normal person, and listen to the album, he is a half, I have a question. When you listen to the album is a stupid man, he laughed aloud. , Porcelain, smile, you can. So: power light, transparency, and the true children of your own: I will be able to pass the truth, the real victims, real estate strange indifference REMASHI? How can I change it a little darker or love? Specifies a long path. Tao can be found anywhere. However, it is full of nutrients.
One can give birth to a Tao. They can give birth to a baby. February 3, you can give birth to a baby. These three types can withstand. They are the faces of all men and women. Please achieve gender balance in all. Ordinary men hate solitude. However, my husband can get lonely, he realized the whole world.
The gentlest of the world, to overcome most of the world is difficult. Is the space of the material. Illustrates the behavior of other values. What's Your Word: The path to the master.
Integrity and reputation: how important? Money and Happiness: What is value? Failure is a success: a detailed breakdown? If true, other people's performance is required. Are dependent on funding of happiness and satisfaction. All content. That's fine. However, because we are part of the world to achieve something.
Please enter the reality of our own defects. We are, in most cases, surgery is the truth or empty. True straightness seems crooked. Seems foolish to true wisdom. The essence of art. Master can occur. She comes in the form of events. Tao and she can speak in the way of me.
The country is in harmony with the Tao, the factories make trucks and tractors. Counter, Country Tao, warheads, could be stockpiled outside the cities go. Instead of fear, fantasy and provides a greater enemy to protect the unfortunate error. All people from fear, you can always check the safety.
If you are, you can open your mind and open the door to the world. In several cases, please see the window you can find the essence of the Tao. We must understand the following information. I came to see the light of the company.
Pursuit of knowledge, every day something is added. Tao, every day, and drop anything really. If you run out of energy when you need to get the other end. If you do not have is incomplete. You can you can learn to go the way of true independence. It cannot be obtained by interference.
Master has a mind of her own. We are people who work for her in the hearts of people. She is a good man. She is also good. This is really good. She was a trusted and reliable. She is with us, we have checked the trust and confidence. It is true faith. I'm the master spirit of the universe. People cannot understand her. They are waiting to please her. She is treated like a child.
Masters moment. I think we have to protect her: I know the spirit of resistance, the death of my imagination. He is thinking about his actions. Is flowing from my heart. During sleep, even after a good day, his work in human life, his death.
Tao is a spatial representation. Hot, completely unconsciously, if your body is to complete the physical condition of the spring is free. Therefore, the natural TAOTSUISOU. All creatures, Tao, nutrition, and maintaining them, child care, comfort, and back, without having to create to protect their belongings, regardless of the action, any interference in its class. Therefore, the nature of things, the Tao of Love.
First was the Tao. From there, the return from all problems. Will be tracked to determine the symptoms to go back to basics. Children, looking for the mother, are free to recognize the grief. If necessary, would be troubled to use your mind and transport hub in the region. This decision is to maintain a sense of your mind is not led by the peace of mind. This view is clearly in the dark. I must give up power. After a while, we used a unique light source moves. This fact is also known as an eternity.
In other words, many people can pass easily. This is not in balance. Stay in the heart of the Tao. Weapons, farmers, financial speculation and high-end luxury, robbery, wealth and poverty, disease, to enable the land, the loss of an irresponsible government. This is in line with the Tao.
I must say that I planted the roots of the pottery. Waste, in combination with the Tao is not a man. Will be held in honor from generation to generation in her name. And Tao, are real in your life. It will flourish in the home and family. If your country is my country in the world, please fill in all countries. This song is the space of the universe. If you know what? We are asking for me.
He is in harmony with the Tao is like a baby. Bone, muscle weakness, you can reduce a strong grip. Unions for men and women, the erection of the penis, it is difficult to know. Growling, like a symphony, completed in the head. Power is one of the master. He cannot do anything. He is not expected. He has not disappointed. He was not disappointed with the spirit of the time.
People do not know. People know the story. The decision, to block the demolition, sharp edges and reduces glare. This is the primal identity. Please ensure the Tao. This approach, the failure of honor and profit, may withdraw the bankruptcy. You can continue it. Bear.
If you are, if you want to be a great leader is the case, you need to learn to follow the Tao. Trying to stop control. Stereotypes of the program, it will attempt to dominate the world. Virtuous person is prohibited. This is in addition to the safety of your arms. With subsidies for other people is a matter of course. Therefore, the Master says: I have to move the law, you can be honest people. I have a rich economic strength. I let go of religion, people become calm. I, I, I hope the grass that is common to us all.
If the country is applied to the tolerance and comfort. Is applied to the management of the country, people are depressed and crafty. Ideally, is responsible for output. Happiness, unfortunate people to build a foundation for efforts to please. Efforts to establish a foundation of moral evil. Can be set, and she offers the example of the contents of your husband. Earrings are not pointed out to her. To understand the ease and flexibility. , Radiation, easy on the eyes.
In addition to the rules of many countries. Be freed from his ideas about the mark. If the change of direction, the resistance to the sky as the sun, and all companies, people, trees, the rest of your life, and majestic mountains, and to complete the most popular? ? Occurs and how to use them. He is not nothing. In the welfare of her child, can feel the interest of the mother.
Small fish fry, to rule the country. That is, the more you kill. Center will have the power of the Tao and evil country. I cannot miss the street. Is opposed to evil.
Get a big country, it looks like the sea: the downstream run. Humility is required for strong growth. Small, to be trusted to protect the album means that you must use it. If, as a great man of a great country: it was a mistake. To achieve it, he admitted it. Admit it, he will fix it. He is thought to point out the shortcomings as a teacher, I like him. Himself, and he is casting a shadow, will be considered an enemy. Instead, the interference of others in the problems of nutrition, the National Ceramics, center, and light to all nations of the world.
Tao, the universe, for better or worse, the treasures of the mind, are fleeing. I have the social values of the award-winning album I bought one there are more than one language. To do this, you can choose a new leader with the expertise. Instead, he is, please tell us about the album. Why the ancient Masters esteem the Tao? Tao demand has been searching for forgiveness when you are wrong. That's why I like it.
Without action, without any effort at work. A small number. Small hard work, it is best to achieve a series of acts. Great, it does not reach the master. In order to realize her greatness. She is running to try to stop him. She can stick to their comfort. This is her problem.
Easily be rooted in the feed. To resolve this problem? Weakness and instability? It is easy to scatter. Prevent problems before. Therefore, before ordering. Pine growth from a small bud. Leg of the journey will start from the bottom of 1,000 km. Rushing into action, you fail. If you want to know things, please try to lose them. To do this, are ripe for the kill to force in order to complete the project. Therefore, it is possible to run a master's degree. Finally, he must keep quiet. But he has nothing to lose and nothing. Desire, lust. To unlearn his learning. He is the only one, I always remember him. He was the reason my album is nothing. So he can take care of everything.
Masters is one of my past could not get a good education. They guided me and I find it hard. They do not know how people can find their own way. If successful, you can learn to avoid the rule by the rich. The simplest pattern is clear. In normal life, all people are satisfied can be shown the true nature behind it.
This is lower than other companies, all of the water flow. Give the power of humility. If you are his people and must be controlled are. You need to learn how to send people. Regulations, the master. And her people and, feel the flow of all operations. All the world is grateful to her. What is she fighting for?
Some leaders are meaningless. This is a very useful phone. However, I think his absolute nonsense. People are, in fact, I have deep roots in this separation. I do one thing: simplicity, patience, guidance must be considered. These are the greatest treasure. Simple operation is considered to return to the source. Both friends and enemies, and we agreed to do so as a patient. Life has been adjusted to take care of the world.
He needs a better partner for the best players. His entry in the heart of the most common enemy. The president of the joint service. Advice and guidance. Embodiment of the virtues of competition. They are my competition, the spirit of play. To do this, in harmony with Tao.
Description: "Instead, we, we, we, you, we recommend that you wait, please refer to the first move. This is the backyard is a good step forward." But, without the use of this weapon, is scheduled to be called the press. It is a misfortune than underestimating your enemy. If the enemy is evil, please consider how undervalued. Therefore, his enemy, to destroy the treasure. Great power, people know each other and how we win.
Is to understand the practice. If you practice them, you can fail to please the hearts of those who know them. My teachings are older than the world. What is it? In several cases, please see me in my heart.
Instead, we are unaware of the true knowledge. Presuming to know is a disease. First, recognition of illness, you can move toward health. The Master is her own doctor. She is healing I know. She is really such a whole.
Time lose their sense of awe, people turn to religion. They no longer trust him, and begin to rely on its authority. To do this, please return to the instructions of the master of confusion. He can learn a lesson for me.
All the time, Tao and ease of use. If they have not reached the status of the subpoena, the answer is to achieve competitiveness in the basic plan. Net and will cover the entire universe. Mesh width and slip.
If you are trying to adhere to the following changes to achieve? If the death, the fear is that you cannot accomplish anything. If the carpenter, the master of my future success. If a carpenter, you can reduce the risk of trading tools in the hands of his master.
If taxes are too high, people are hungry to move. Intrusion from the government, people lose their minds. Law, for the benefit of the people. Trust; leave alone.
Men are born soft and flexible. DAIHADO pain. Plats are born tender and pliant. Death, SARE and dry and brittle. Disciples of death and flexibility are difficult. Software and has abandoned the life of the disciples. Tough, hard disk is damaged. The soft and supple will prevail.
Bent like a bow, Tao is one of the world. The bottom curve, bend down. Insufficient and excessive, perfectly balanced. It's going well. People, their power, Tao, and is used to control the direction of the force of resistance and protection. Also, many people do not have enough people. You can continue to the end of the wealth of her master. Their works, many of the actions of the trust is expected to succeed her.
This software will create a world of sky and water. However, flexibility and hard, or you can reject it or? For, in order to overcome the rigidities of the following hardware and software, you can overcome the friendship. In other words, implementation, and to understand some of it. To do this, keep your cool in the master's grief. Please enter the hearts of his evil. People were able to provide maximum support. Contradictions are true.
We are using this opportunity. For other users, this is the end. Therefore, the duty of the master to correct the mistake? To do this, you must have other requirements.
For wisdom, to rule the country and its content. Your invention, you can reduce the waste of time to enjoy the labor of workers to mechanical energy. I'm interested in travel. Anywhere, and several ships, please track. What is used as a weapon? The happy family in the garden of a neighbor, working for the weekend, please enjoy the pleasure of food expenditure. Nevertheless, the two countries and two songs of roosters: the case of my old dog is listening to death close to the skin.
Eloquent words are not true. Eloquent words are not true. Please prove a point. Wise. Smart people, you will need to prove this point. Owns the master. He is for others, we are happy with him. Blessed is the man. Electricity, food, and Tao. Center, master key, he said.

Forgive me if I am incorrect, but the Tao does in fact appear to be a computer manual of some kind, and probably accounts for the amazing computer literacy and abilities at school that are possessed by these "Asians". Who would have thought that they would anticipate, in "Asia" of all places, the invention of the computer, in such a philosophical light?

It appears that you have all been...

... h4xx0r'd.

The Eagle has Landed

2009-05-14T00:49:00.001+10:00

The federal parliament in Sri Lanka is located in a castle with a moat referred to as a "lake". It may, in fact, have a drawbridge, and some portcullises, god only knows!

What it does in fact have is ~~dragons~~ crocodiles in the moat. You know, to stop any tigers from swimming across...

//

2009-03-09T17:26:00.002+11:00

Me: Is it slash fiction? I keep hearing people on livejournal talking about how they're writing SLASH.
Mr Eccles: IT IS FULL OF SLASH. IT IS MADE OF SLASH
Me: IT TOOK A SLASH
Me: IN YOUR SLASH

~fin~

Facebook Fail

2009-02-15T16:26:00.003+11:00

Snipergirl:
hey chica
hope all is going well
are you still at southern?
wee you around i'm sure!
*se
*see
SEE not "wee"
WTF
that was the most fucked up typo ever
sorry!!!!!

4:18pm Amanda is offline.

Someone was very bored...

2009-01-19T06:37:00.001+11:00

Oh yes, yes it's true.

This is what doctors do in the Emergency Department

Summer Band Camp

2009-01-19T06:20:00.001+11:00

Summer Band Camp
Originally uploaded by Snipergirl

Yes, he was honestly in that position

Survivor!

2008-09-05T15:09:00.004+10:00

In a throwback to the Victorian era we have the following rather "enlightened" post from our new Australian travel reporter, oh, sorry, intrepid colonial explorer, Princess Bellatrix L'Estrange of Bougainville!

The post opens with an eloquent dissertation on the extremely unexpected unappealing qualities of the sordid streets of that resort town Phuket. This is not the South-East Asian tropical haven we have all imagined from watching the television- it is in fact:

"so humid here, very very hot."

Oh wait, yes it is the SE Asian tropical haven we had imagined!

Indeed she continues with the comment that:

"The streets are crazy and dirty, prostitutes cover the street. Its [sic] a filthy horrible place here. You cant [sic] walk 10 seconds without someone trying to grab u [sic] into their street store or a massage parlour."

Personally if prostitutes were literally the paving on the streets of Melbourne, it would be a filthy fantastic place! I would be overjoyed with the abundance of ladyflesh that I could drive over in such a paradise! Princess Bellatrix does not seem so fazed later in the piece by the ladies-

"Outside i [sic] had a massage, very nice and well taken care of. full body massage i figured out including this beautiful thai [sic] girl massaging my breasts."

Unfortunately the meaning of the previous sentence was lost to me through the mists of time. The romantic-era poetry of homoerotic massage parlours in exotic locales ("Orientalism"-style) is drawn upon well however without a corresponding increase in the quality of the grammar or spelling.

Phuket is a dangerous place (due to the rampant prostitutes, crazed masseuses and ... "Frogger"-style traffic) we find out:

"My room in the motel is the only safe place i can go... if i just stay in my resort im [sic] happy and safe."

Not even the beaches in this beach resort are safe! Thus she has to resort to:

"the pool downstairs ... veryclean [sic] and paradise with all the coconut trees and the man serving you cocktails in a cocconut [sic] while u [sic] are still in the water."

In fact she is clearly having a very miserable and horrible time in this devilishly evil place-

"ok [sic] today it is like monsoon rain and have been stuck under a verandah in a 5 star bar drinking cocktails. very nice. as soon as it stops i [sic] will need to leave my safety."

Woe! Alas! Not a 5 star bar! Not... cocktails?!

Princess Bellatrix L'estrange of Bougainville is a most generous and condescending patroness. She is very charitable to the locals and understands their needs and humanity entirely:

"I went into the pool and felt paradise to take away the bad experience of the life of these thai [sic] people. They know no other life, its [sic] just a struggle for them to earn enough money. We always tip them greatly and make them happy."

She even "feels paradise" whatever that may mean. I am sure it is something very regal.

She is also a gastronome of the highest degree, a veritable connoisseur of Thai cuisine who knows exactly where is best to buy food in Thailand:

"we found a thai restaurant in a western style mall, the best thai food ever tasted"

I am sure that soon she will be back in the sanity of the civilised Mother Country amongst the Queen's subjects, away from the madness of those heathen Oriental lands with their peasant-like inhabitants, morbid climate and hazardous sex workers!

It behoves me to make the obvious pun at this point- let us hope that dear Bellatrix does (?not) continue to be a DumbBelle!

Sequelae

2008-05-05T23:31:00.002+10:00

KermitTheFrog joked (with irony):

"When a diplomat says 'Yes' he means 'Maybe'
When he says 'Maybe' he means 'No'
& If he says 'No' then he isn't a Diplomat at all!

When a lady says 'No' she means 'Maybe'
When she says 'Maybe' she means 'Yes'
& If she says 'Yes' then she isn't a Lady at all!"

So I said:

"Horses sweat,
Men perspire
& Women glow"

And quite unrelatedly to the above was the statement from our dear Kermit but quite sequential to our former joke:

"I've seen all the Star Trek movies!
Star Trek 1,
Star Trek 2,
Star Trek 3,
Star Trek 4,
Star Trek 5,
Star Trek 6,
Star Trek 175384..."

Good Original Joke of the Month

2008-04-22T23:43:00.002+10:00

"Macaulay Culkin starred in 3 "Home Alone" movies:
Home Alone (major hit)
Home Alone 2 (derivative sequel)
Home Alone with Michael Jackson (curtailed in pre-production post casting; neither acted out nor made it to the big screen)"

Courtesy of KermitTheFrog

An odd occurrence on Swanston Street

2008-03-04T23:29:00.002+11:00

There was a weird guy on Swanston Street (not an unusual occurrence, but whatever):

We don't know why he was defacing posters but he was... and always the middle face on the poster! Who knows why!

Yes, indeed, it was the middle face on every photo. Check "it out".

I felt a strange sense of existential... confusion? bemusement? je-ne-sais-quoi?

Then I laughed at him, as did the fellow on-lookers, with the cruelty of anonymity.

Oh my!

Yes, it's that time again...

2008-02-21T18:46:00.002+11:00

Time for another round of that perennial favourite...

... Pedo Jokes!!!!

So this guy is having doggy-style sex with this girl.
Midway he decides to stick it in her arse.
She looks around and says: "That's rather presumptuous of you!"
He replies: "That's a rather large word for a 12 year old!!"

What's the best think about twenty eight year olds?
There's twenty of them!

How do you know when she's too young?
Her hips crack when you fuck her!

And now, back to our regular programming...

Sorry.

2008-02-14T00:41:00.002+11:00

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Mostly because... I think the answer to this comic is "yes and no".

And I believe that I am responsible. In part. Enough.

But this means also that I have the power to put things right.

Happy anti-invasion day.

Start of Year 4

It's All About The Floxacins

2008-02-06T04:27:00.000+11:00

There's a cute little black girl living in the dangerous environs of Septi City. Her name? Moxie Floxacin.

She's got 2 big brothers, C-Pro and Levo. C-Pro's a bit of a hardcore MC in the making, and Levo has glasses and studies very hard. Her cousin Nor's a bit of a weirdo, she really likes to hang out with little old ladies, the sort that smell faintly of urine.

Moxie's pretty bright and friendly and never seems to get the sniffles like her friends do.

And their parents?

None other than Queenie and Lone.

Announcement

2007-12-28T03:23:00.000+11:00

I am, forsooth, hereby back from the wilds of Bendigo!

"Watch Out", City of Melbourne! That wanted character, SniperGirl, who can pick outlaws and renegades off at a distance with a minimum of shots to the head is back. Ready, vigilante style, detective-style tweed trilby atop head to hunt down Bad Guys and Killers. Wearing boots of stealth and sneak, lockpick in hand, easily slipping in and out of homes and where you would least expect. Striking with deadly cunning skill, in order to frighten and confuse the Enemy and its Allies with splendorous zeal.

Yes indeed, Melbourne, I am back.

Huzzah!

Cute LOL

2007-12-28T02:50:00.000+11:00

Cute Little Old Lady (>80 years old): I've had my share of medical problems... heart attack, diabetes, blood pressure... I've broken the right hip and had it replaced, broken the left hip and had some screws put into it. You could say my hip's "screwed up"!

Get Out Of My Emergency Room!

2007-12-22T11:09:00.000+11:00

"Let's dial up the defib on the CT scan STAT!"
"45 milligrams of morph! I think the MRI will conclude a psychomatosis...."
"Her pulse rate's 47.5!"
"The vitals are critical!"
"Time to call in the paediatric cardiosurgoids!!!"
"Next of kin's on the phone, what do I say?"
"Just tell them... we're here... saving lives."

The Future is Now

2007-12-18T02:04:00.000+11:00

Me: the later seasones have too much daria being couply
Jaymz: yes
Jaymz: no-one should be coupely
Me: seasones? coupely?
their prediction has come true!
we all DO speak esperanto (or should i say desperanto) in the 21st century!

Sad but true

2007-12-18T01:31:00.000+11:00

It has come to my attention that there appears to be a strange theme to my most listened songs in the past 3 months. Here are most of them (in order):

London Rain (Nothing Heals Me Like You Do)
Feed It
Come On Come On
Fidelity
Sad Tomorrow
That's Not Really Funny
Ladyflash
Lies
What the Fuck
I Don't Love Anyone
Day Old Blues
Spark
Light My Fire
Everybody Here Wants You
start again
Let It Be
The Sun is a Mass of Incandescent Gas
Who Sold Her Out
Not About Love
Nothing Changes Round Here
Underwater Love
Gamble Everything for Love
Hang Me Up To Dry
Some Might Say
Feel Good Hit of the Summer
Female of the Species
Wicked Ways
Slow Night, So Long
Damage
Losing You
( I Could Only ) Whisper Your Name
I Don't What to Do Anymore
I Came All This Way
Better
Jenny Was a Friend of Mine
It's All My Fault
All These Things That I've Done
Starlight
Forgiven
What's My Age Again?
If She Wants Me

Intriguing!

The Truth About Sudoku

2007-11-30T19:40:00.000+11:00

"Sudoku is a puzzling bacterial zoonotic disease. It is caused by outnumbered spirochaete Spirillum minus.

Sudoku is mostly seen in Asia...

The symptoms include recurring fever, with body temperature 38-40°C. The illness lasts for 2-4 days but recur generally at 4-8 weeks. This cycle may continue for months or years together. The other symptoms include malaise, headache, irritability and inexplicable frustration.

Prognosis: Mortality ranges from 6-10%"

The Truth About Lawyers

2007-11-21T07:47:00.001+11:00

This is forsooth the truth about lawyerse:

That they do not bed 'neath cotton but gold leaf;
That they eat not of food but of manna and
of Babies;
That they feast upon finest bone china composed of Babies' Bones and
That they reside within houses made of such Babies' Bones;
Indeed they sell these houses as investement propertiese
upon the open markett.

Dazed and Confused

2007-10-20T08:53:00.000+10:00

Me [to unwell patient]: So, in order to monitor your fluid balance we're going to have to put in a urinary catheter to watch how much urine you're putting out.
Old adorable lady with dementia in the next bed: Can I have one too?

Scary rather than amusing

2007-10-18T15:31:00.000+10:00

SCENE: A Slow Day On The Medical Ward

Nurse J: Can you have a look at this [heart] monitor for me?
Me [looks up]: Sure!
[Snipergirl looks at monitor]
Me [looking at wrong monitor]: Wait, did that patient just have a run of 5 beats of VT?!
Nurse J: Wait, where?
Me: The top monitor! What should I do?
Nurse D: Well, I guess you could call the ward, make sure the patient's ok?
Me: Alright, I guess I'll call them. Oh, and that rhythm on your patient's paced.
Nurse J: Ah, it is too!
[2x failed attempts to contact ward]
Me: Ah fuck it, ICU will call the ward anyway, they're monitoring it automatically after all.

5 Minutes Later

Nurse K: Quick, call a code blue! [cardiac arrest]
Announcement: CODE BLUE MEDICAL _____, CODE BLUE MEDICAL ______ !
[Snipergirl sprints to the rescue]
Snipergirl: Oh. It was that patient after all. Fuck.

fin

NB: As it turns out, ICU did see the monitored rhythm and were on their way regardless... thus explaining the code blue. Scary though nonetheless.

Quotes of the Fortnight

2007-05-13T17:15:00.000+10:00

"Catheters are piss easy"

Anonymous: I don't really like it when people make jokes about anal sex. It's rather painful.
Me: Only if you're on the receiving end!

Coolest Classes at the University of Melbourne

2007-04-19T23:00:00.000+10:00

Art, Pornography, Blashphemy, Propaganda (APBP)
Egyptology for Beginners
Teaching the Commonsensically Disabled
Ducks and the Natural Habitat
Elementary Lego Skills
Cheese for Beginners
Sleep Studies (prerequisite for major in Narcolepsy)

One Step Closer to Liberation!

2006-12-06T15:25:00.000+11:00

It seems that the country of Australia upon which I dwell has taken a step towards the eventual emancipation of those who are referred to as "Redheads".

As noted previously, the state of Greece shall at some point breed these delectable curiosities for sale to the households of the future upon an island. This island shall elect a leader known as the Minister for Pet Redheads (who is destined inevitably to be the lovely and delightful Pet Redhead) who arbitrates for the rights of these strange creatures.

The current Shadow Minister for Pet Redheads in the continent of Australia, Sexy Jules G has been elected to the position of Deputy Leader of the Opposition, much to the consternation of fashion commentators country-wide.

While the conservative Australian press and parliamentarians may deride this development, I feel that this is but an inevitable step on the march of progress. Let us look forth to the day when Redheads will stand together with humanity as one, and this minority shall be counted in the ranks of humankind!

I have a dream!

The Death of All the Romance - Wikipedia and Webcomics

2006-10-31T16:44:00.000+11:00

[rant]

Dear Friends,

I come here to speak of you of the death of romance, that elusive dream. That wide-eyed idealism which brings us awake with the fire of passion. The romance of democracy.

A portal of overwhelming information, a bastion of freedom of information, a testament to the manner in which ants can build a kingdom- that is Wikipedia. And it is broken.

A corrupt kingdom for a corrupt king. Wikipedia may be my favourite information source, but the fact that it is prone to deletion fads on particular topics (such as webcomics and, quite frankly, anything web-related), contains a mass of people who constantly bias "neutral point of view" and allows administrators who appear to have nothing in the way of qualification to exert such power over pages is frankly awful. The bureaucracy is comparable with that of the US of A, that other bastion of "democracy".

What is the point of claiming that your information source is the most comprehensive one in the English language when you allow people to delete notable topics willy-nilly? Especially since deletion pages are filled with people who will argue deletion based on "alexa page rank". Does anyone here remember Alexa? I recall that Alexa was nothing more than a sneaky weasel of a spyware that lurked on my system for all of a day. I cannot recall anyone who actually uses this nasty piece of software- apart from people too stupid to delete it. Yes, that's right, they are basing their statistics on stupid users and what they don't read.

Then there is the circumcision page which is full of non-medical Americans who are biased in favour of male circumcision shouting down anyone who argues otherwise- circumcision being a practice which is almost universally condemned by paediatricians and paediatric surgeons.

The list goes on.

The surprise of course is that Wikipedia works at all. But it does. And the truth is, that it works best when left to its own devices and people are free to create and edit topics freely- with intervention by experts in the field when there are disputes. Not biased super-admins but experts.

If Wikipedia, which arguably has become reputable leader of information by fiat, continues on this course, it will not be able to keep its position as such. The current policies are suited well to small projects, not sprawling encyclopedias.

As I recall, the glorious Roman empire fell into decay and ruin more than once during its reign. What shall Wikipedia do? Shall it fall into decay or shall it evolve with the times and with its new role? Will we be starry-eyed about this lover in 10 years from now, or will we have moved onto the new best thing?

I shall avenge the death of all the romance.

-Snipergirl

[/rant]

If you have seen an example of abuse of the NPOV and "non-notable" rules on wikipedia, please publicise it and post it on your blogs. The more this is exposed, the more likely it is that reform may take place...

Where Do I Find These People Part Two, or, "Dating by Counter-Example 101"

2006-08-21T18:10:00.000+10:00

This is the tale of my past run-ins with a rather... shall we say... unskilled young man who came into my acquaintance, a Commerce/Engineering student who shall henceforth be known as Tech Support.

Now, I came to know of Tech Support during a night at a housewarming party. He seemed nice enough, rather handsome and potentially dashing. I was, however, uninterested, my heart at the time having been reserved for someone else. The Good Doctor (a crazy fellow and my housemate) had been attempting to seduce the fair Henny Penny (a fun chick, har har) with tales of Strawberry Fields. This while she attempted to flee his company. And so I decided to ask for some help! So I spoke to Tech Support of my quandary (that of housemate versus good female friend), and after a brief discussion, I embarked on a plan of action. At this point The Good Doctor burst in, rather flustered. Tech Support took it upon himself to enquire whether The Good Doctor had acquired the story of Strawberry Fields from a shadowy organisation known only as "mASF" which his friend was a member of. The Good Doctor proceeded to demand to know what mASF was... and whether I had any intentions to let Tech Support within our premises for a good porking. At this point I stormed away, rather insulted. Throughout this, Tech Support acted as a gentleman despite my polite rejection and ended up escorting me home. We exchanged numbers and I thought to myself that I would like to perhaps be friends with this fellow in the future.

A good-looking, nice, single, intelligent man interested in my person? And normal too! Wonders would never cease!

Several weeks later, after I had finished my blasted supplementary examinations, I decided to invited Tech Support to drinks with a few friends. He rejected my offer, but two days later I found myself being contacted at the Witching Hour (or should that beWitching Hour) of a Sunday night by this young gentleman, who was camping out in line for Commerce Ball tickets. This should have been my first warning sign. I said at first that I needed to go to bed soon as I had classes the following day and that I would catch up with him some other time, but was finally persuaded to head out briefly.

It did not take long for the moves to be made, as it were. He suggested that we take a walk, so that he could make an excuse to pick me up, so that he had an excuse to place me in his lap, so that he could make an excuse to try to somehow kiss me. The trail of cause and effect was truly a miraculous thing. My usual tricks of "confusing and distracting the opponent" and "weirding him out" failed miserably in the face of this rather determined plan. It is amazing how, absorbed as he was with the technically challenging art of "seduction by Internet pick-up line", he did not appear to be able to listen to a word I was saying. In fact, he was positively boring and seemed to lack any personality beyond that which was created by his impressive range of tricks designed to entrap me.

"Oh look, the sky is purple!" I exclaimed as he leaned in to kiss me. The sky in Melbourne is often purple at night due to the heavy clouds reflecting the city lights.
"Disguise purple? Huh?"
"The SKY. Is PURPLE" I said, annoyed.
"Disguise purple with what?"
"With pumpkins and tiny little moons. Purple pumpkins no less." I said sarcastically.
"Yes..." said he, unsure, as he made a move to try to kiss me again. I sighed.

I should probably point out at this point that the sprinklers at the University of Melbourne conspired to stop us from sitting upon the various benches near South Lawn (or as I term it, South Swamp) for long. I pointed out that it was "probably a sign". Once again, this did not deter this ardent young gentleman. Finally we ended up sitting in a small garden-like area in which there was a not-particularly-bright light.

"That light is so... annoying," quoth he, attempting to shield my eyes from this flame (and also push my face towards his so he could kiss me).
"The light's over there." I said, pointing to a spot a few inches from where he had placed his hand.
"Oh." He moved his hand.

Then of course he started to kiss me. I sighed inwardly and thought to myself "fine, I'll put up with this just long enough to make up an excuse and LEAVE." I said a couple of times that I really should get going as it was getting rather late. He did not, however, let me go. Finally, he asked if he could come back to my house. I said that as it was rather late and I had a class tomorrow, that the answer was no. He did not get the hint. In fact, he asked me this several times. The answer was the same each time. Finally I got up and decided to leave. He lay pathetically on the bench.

"Are you going to stay there all night?" I asked.
"Well, I don't have anywhere else to go, do I?"

Disgusted, I walked away. I did not need any more neediness in my presence. Oh well, that was the end of my attempt to be friends with this rather pathetic creature. As I walked home I thought to myself of how fortunate I was to have had worthwhile and meaningful relationships and to not be so deprived as to fall for the shallow, superficial and pitiable "charms" of such an individual.

I got home, then, at 2am, fixed myself a snack and got ready for bed. The phone rang. Unsurprisingly, it was my young dandy.

"Hey! What are you up to?"
"I'm about to go to bed."
"So, if I turned up at your place and rang the doorbell... would you let me in?"
"Um, no. I'm going to bed now."
"Please..."
"No."
Awkward silence ensues
"You know... you know what freaked me... you know I wouldn't..." he began, flustered. Oh no, I thought to myself, one of those 'you can't have rejected me, I must be rejecting you' types.
"I'm sorry, what are you saying? Can you speak up? You don't seem to be making much sense..."

He continued in this rather bewildered vein of "ums" and "ahs" until I received a knock at the door from The Good Doctor's mother who is referred to by my own forebears as the Mother-in-Law (not due to any romantic involvement between myself and The Good Doctor, I might add). At that point, I quickly excused myself.

I was amazed. Such an example of idiocy I had not seen in quite some time.

Now, I may not be the ultimate expert in the fine art of "séduction à l'Internet", but I can tell you this. There are plenty of Fine Ladies who will certainly "admit one free" to their "rollercoaster ride" without so much of this kerfluffle about tricking them into desiring romantic relations with one's person. For, there are in fact, females with sex drives who want nothing better than a one-night stand in the world. In fact, if I, right now, wanted a "good root", I would probably go down the rather simple route of going to a bar, getting drunk, approaching any attractive girls speaking to persons known to me and striking up a flirtatious conversation. After a small amount of time, it would be obvious as to whether this girl was similarly attracted to me, there would be some kissing, further drinking, and a question as to whether this girl would like to go elsewhere with me.

And if said girl did not wish for our intimate relations to proceed further, then surely one must accept such a thing with good grace- there are opportunities in the future for such temporary measures as sexual intercourse, and one has in fact exchanged something of value, that precious, delicate and undervalued act of the kiss. Nothing is worse, in fact, than tricking or coercing or desperately pleading with a young woman only briefly of your acquaintance for sex.

And... none of this super-romantic nonsense should be indulged in. It should be a fairly to-the-point affair, where it was clear that both individuals wish to exchange mutual and temporary physical affections upon each other and nothing more. And in fact, romantic garbage and canned pick-up lines would get in the way of this process, due to its superfluity and, well... the fact that such things make you give off an air of sleazy desperation.

Now, I must apologise, my dear readers, for my detour into that abominable thing known as a moral discourse within the telling of my tale. For this tale is not, indeed, quite at an end. The endgame to this play of "wits" follows.

I had thought my dealings with this caddish fop over and done with for good. Few men would take such a blow to their manly ego lightly, and would generally withdraw, lick their wounds and find a new target for their false affections.

However, less than one week after the aforementioned episode at around 4am, I received the following Text Message:

"Hey hun [sic] i [sic] know its [sic] late but i Havnt [sic] had time to call you, been flat out :( Had a dream about you last night... Tell you about it mon [sic] if your [sic] free after 5?"

Now, spelling, grammar and capitalisation errors (and the fact that he endeavoured to waste his effort on someone who had soundly rejected him) aside, what is wrong with this example, class?

Firstly, there is the matter of "hun". Is this some kind of reference to Attila the Hun? Is he trying to refer to me derogotarily as a German? I have heard of "hey hon" ("hon" here being an abbreviation of "honey") being used as a rather bizarre term of affection by sleazy men towards their targets. However, let us consider that "hon" is up there with "darl" and "love" as a term that old ladies from Quoinslend or Moonee Ponds use to refer to their grandchildren. I fail to see how this is in any way meant to cause me to wish to involve myself in a torrid passionate affair with anyone.

Secondly, how is inattention (in the form of having been too "flat out" to call) and callous disregard (in the form of being contact at an unreasonable hour) to a potential lover meant to be in any way appealling? Especially considering that the wording of the message implies a quite calculated attempt to play "hard to get".

Thirdly, after all of what transpired, what on earth would possess me to care about the contents of his clearly fictitious dream? In fact, who would ever believe that someone would be so pathetic to have dreamt about someone they had met twice? And of course the clever phrasing to imply that he was in fact doing me a great favour by spilling his guts in such a way, and that I would like nothing better than to hear his prattle on a Monday evening.

I ignored this missive. It was not altogether surprising that I later found out that he is apparently spreading the word that I was "all over" him and texted him "all the time". Sad.

Tech Support. A shoulder to lean on.
All our Lines are Open for Service.
We're here to help.

Why To I Am Crying Last Night

2006-08-16T02:59:00.000+10:00

Last night, while I for whatever dumb reason browsed the "Spread Firefox" site- a particular highlight of my day, I tell you- I stumbled across this little effort from a young man who may or may not be from Thailand. As any Thai person in their right mind will tell you, for whatever reason Thailand is not exactly a hotbed of Firefox usage. This brave young man, rebel striving against adversity as it were, has created a website which chronicles the bold reasons why we should all dump Internet Explorer and its sorry Tartarean code for the bright Elysian Fields of Firefox.

The result is here.

What can I say, the guy gets an "A" for effort. This is a boy who clearly loves Firefox. He wakes in the morning with a big smile on his face thinking about how Firefox will help millions. He goes to school/work/jail/church/marae/home with a spark in his eyes and a spring in his step. He knows that he is working for the common good, for the benefit in humanity. So much love has gone into this website. So much love.

So, it broke my heart to see the spelling errors, the endless grammatical flaws. The facts aren't exactly... factual none neither. There's a big ugly ad across its metaphorical forehead which is almost akin to when a big bully writes "loser" on you in permanent marker and you have to walk around with it all day, or when your mother dresses you for your first day of high school and you happen to be wearing orange bike pants. The example of a pleasing "firefox theme" is actually the most godawful example of poor taste I have seen- it looks like an underage disco, all black with neon lights and maybe all with the illicit kissing with way too much tongue and braces and pimples in the corner away from the teachers. Reading this website and almost chortling to myself I felt that deep guilt that you sort of get when you see this defenceless lower-than-average-intelligence kid with her shirt on backwards get picked on and you sort of don't do anything and just sort of giggle nervously.

This website is truly the retarded puppy of Firefox advertising websites.

CUTE like a retarded puppy.

LIKE A RETARDED PUPPY WITH A WONKY LEG AND BUTTS FOR EYES.

SO CUTE THAT IT KILLED THE DARK PRINCE'S HARD-ON FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH.

SO UNBELIEVABLY FUCKING CUTE THAT IT CAUSED THE WORLD TO ALMOST DESTROY ITSELF IN A NUCLEAR EXPLOSION OF SELF-PITY AT HAVING CREATED SUCH A PATHETIC CREATURE BUT THEN STOPPED ITSELF AT THE LAST MINUTE BECAUSE IT STARTED CRYING UNCONTROLLABLY AND THEN HAD TO TAKE THE REST OF THE WEEK OFF FOR "GIRLS' PROBLEMS".

Anyway, that's why I'm turning up late to class tomorrow.

Menstruation.

In reference to past events

2006-08-08T23:15:00.000+10:00

Inspired by a singular quality of men that I appear to attract... here are the following inappropriate puns:

"I'm not letting that male anywhere NEAR my P.O. Box."
"Well, you should start using Hotmale instead!"
"See the problem with young technologies is that they come too fast..."

I hang my head in shame, awaiting the fair princess who will lift me from this den of boredom.

Good Knight!

Pun of the day

2006-08-06T22:58:00.000+10:00

Saint Vitus's Dance sounds evil. Possibly medi-evil.

Roffle. Mayo.

Farewell Anon! (An elegy on the fortold end of Sarah?)

2006-07-31T21:36:00.000+10:00

Farewell fair Lady Sarah,
"Saz" as she was affectionately known
by the crowds
who come to see her today
in Trafalgar Square

Her epitaph reads: "She died a Thousand Deaths" (rounded to 1 s.f. of course).

The lady who died 852 deaths is remembered by
her faithful dogs,
possibly an iguana, a python,
hordes of chimeric hybrids of the two,
and her arch-nemesis
Sir Thilini of Foot-ah-Scray
"Grand sale, Grand sale"

Lady Sarah will be remembered for her services
in the area of taxidermy
and state embalming

Goodnight kind sir
Goodknight fair lady
ENGLAND WILL REMEMBER YOU
BY THE ROSES IN YOUR HAIR

"Lady Sarah: she did the wilting flower look
1983-??"

Compelling Reasons to Hire Interns

2006-06-28T23:46:00.000+10:00

"I'd like to apply to your hospital... because I'm doing research for my new role on 'All Saints'"
"I want to marry a doctor and become a housewife and I figured your doctors make the most money. Say, are you single?"
"Surgery is the closest thing to 'Scrubs', and I think it makes a very fetching fashion statement"
"I aspire to pork nurses and your hospital offers many professional opportunities for advancement in that area"
"I really like 'House', and your hospital reminds me of that show"
"I think your hospital lanyard adds a certain... je ne sais quoi!"

Some of these statements were things that I really should have said at that farce of an Auckland University med school interview.

Oh, the irony of hindsight. The pain.

How To Unstick A Cocktail Shaker

2006-06-23T15:15:00.000+10:00

"It doesn't require a solvent it requires the LAWS OF THERMAL EXPANSION TO BE REVERSED .. AND POSSIBLY SOME.. WATER."

- Animal Muda

Painful, Inflammatory and Unusual

2006-05-26T06:13:00.000+10:00

Upon hearing of such grand doctorly names as "Galaxy" and "Omar", at my time at Sunshine Hospital (where the weather is determinedly overcast), I began to feel that my own title was perhaps inadequate. It was at this point that I began to see the technical language of my chosen career, that of medicine, as a treasure trove of lovely names which I could use for my own purposes.

There is that very pretty Latin spelling of a traditional name, "Anaesthesia". Then there is "Candida", a very common name among the not-so-English speaking world. I have taken a fancy to "Porphyria", which I have been told is also a lovely poem by Robert Browning. I even know an "Alexia" in real life! "Chorea" is a nice, friendly sort of place to be named after.

As to a surname? Well, mark my words, I was surprised to see a name very similar to that of a familiar gynaecological condition upon the back of a Greek soccer player this evening. His surname? "Salpingidis". It certainly brings to mind those famous characters of Willy Shakespeare (known for his many inventions, including the vibrator- from which he obviously took his name), those of King Leer and his daughters Chlamydia and Gonorrhoea!

So much choice! So few letter spaces on those immigration forms!

Rejected Perfume Ideas

2006-05-24T23:35:00.000+10:00

AD: Calvin Klein Perfume: "Sexual Evolution"

Scene: A darkened sensual room with a lava lamp in the middle. Black and white. Background music: wanker jazz.

Lava lamp:

Sometimes i feel like an amoeba next to another amoeba.
Then we merge.
And exchange genetic material.
I like to call it
"SEX".

Voiceover:

SEXUAL EVOLUTION.
The new perfume by Calvin Klein.
Evolve. To a higher state of organism.

FIN

~

Rar. Zen of Thilini.

2006-05-21T20:29:00.000+10:00

Inspired by Pet Redhead's innovative t-shirt idea (see title), I embarked on a mission to convert those around me to my new enlightened perspective. Much like Siddhartha Gautama after he progressed from Bodhisattva to Buddha, I realised that the philosophy of "rar" must be delivered to the people of the land so that they could find enlightenment as I have. As the Buddha did upon his journey after enlightenment, I journeyed (online of course) to my dear mother, Amma, and decided to pass on my newfound wisdom. The chat log is as follows:

Thilini: rar

Amma: What does that mean?

Thilini: it's just a random sound

pronounced like this: "rar"

it can mean anything you like!

it can represent anger, sadness, happiness, joy, fear, boredom, interest...

ANYTHING!

sometimes it can even mean the 5 precepts

Amma: Very non specific

Thilini: it is the best word!

imagine if the english language was replaced by it

the world would be a much better place

and everyone would just say "rar"

Amma: you are crazy. It will be like animals

To be fair, she does have a point there. I am crazy. A world of "rar" would be very similar to the aminal kingdom where, for example, a puddy tat can communicate in that pure form known as "miaow", "purr", "hiss" and "body language". But think how happy the aminals are!

Fwee like a kitty kat!

Fairytale Objects

2006-05-15T00:08:00.000+10:00

Of a night on MSN, dear Pet0r and I decided that there was something lacking from the repertoire of children's songs. The tragedy of those who do not know how to locate that fabled organ of repute, the clitoris, is an ill paramount in moden society, and such a thing must be rectified by the education of our nation's finest resource- children! The results of this undertaking were as follows.

"Mary had a little clitoris"

Mary had a little clitoris
E-I-E-I-O
BINGO was its name-oh!
Sugar and spells
And clitoris bells
That's what little girls are made of
With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
She shall have music whenever she comes!

Such educational material, was, as ever, accompanied by much "nudging" from my partner in crime over MSN. I was muchly stirred by its rich cadence, and my chat window, it did shiver.

As I exclaimed to the mighty Joshie: "Don't you bingo my clitoris!"

Songs That Have Spent The Most Time At Number Two On The Australian Charts

2006-04-18T03:55:00.000+10:00

Six Weeks

Gwen Stefani - What You Waiting For? (2004)
Delta Goodrem - Born To Try (2003)
Black Eyed Peas - Where Is The Love? (2003)
Black Eyed Peas - Shut Up (2003)
Eminem - Without Me (2002)

I must say, these titles are gold. "Born to try", especially.

Where is the love, indeed?

A Drip Drip Dripping

2006-04-11T15:26:00.000+10:00

Once upon a midday dreary, while I slumbered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious mattress of bedsheets thick,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a dripping,
As of water gently dripping, dripping at my bathroom sink.
" 'Tis some water," I muttered, "dripping at my bathroom sink;
Only this, and nothing more."

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or madam, truly your forgiveness I do seek;
But the fact is, I was sleeping, and so gently you came dripping,
And so faintly you came dripping, dripping at my bathroom sink,
That I scarce was sure I heard you." Here I opened wide my eyes...

...and I realised that the bathroom upstairs was leaking onto my bed.

Ewww.

Fora!

2006-04-02T17:49:00.000+10:00

We have a new forum, guys: Ink Sad dot Net Forums. As you may or may not know, in future months, we will hopefully be moving everything onto Inksad.net so that all blogs and commentary are in the one place and we have a (hopefully) permanent home. Obviously since I acquired this domain name all of 3 days ago, it's very much still under construction and not much is up there.

EXCEPT THE FORUM WHICH ROCKS!!! Sign up today!

Such a shame.

2006-03-12T02:41:00.000+11:00

You can't really replace a desire for hugging and kissing with masturbation.

Sorry.

A Life Less Ordinary, Part Two

2005-12-31T02:19:00.000+11:00

As it turns out, I was wrong. There is something worse than the aforementioned scenario. You could also have a chocolate milk addiction, and as a result, also require a Swazarian Section (where they take the baby out through an incision roughly the size and shape of Swaziland), and your baby gets born with cocoa cravings.

Howwible. Tewwible. Nightmawish even.

A Life Less Ordinary

2005-12-23T19:43:00.000+11:00

We have also determined that the worst thing that could ever happen is going through Labour Colour Oedema Anaesthesia Theatre at the Centre for Paediatrics (OK, so maybe I went overboard with the Brytysh speeling, but really what I meant was labour, as in the pregnancy, not as in the work or the politics. Isn't it a shame that you didn't end up at the Women's Hospital, you ended up at the CHILDREN'S?!?!?!), while you're passing a kidney stone. Then, suddenly, you get a 3rd degree perineal tear. Then you get pyelonephritis (kidney infection). Then you have an asthma attack. So your obstetrician decides you're better off if you have a caesarian, making all that pain and suffering a bit, well, redundant. Then they shatter your kidney stone with ultrasound at the same time (this is the only happy part of this story). After all of that, you manage to get an amniotic fluid embolism, which manages to give you disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC or basically having so many tiny little clots EVERYWHERE that you can just bleed ot death). Then you die of strokes. The end.

"Thilini just said that it is ok to make fun of dead people ie if this actually happened to someone...she is going straight to hell in a handbasket!!!!!!!!!!!" - The Canuckistani

Murderpiece Theatre

2005-12-23T19:07:00.000+11:00

The Canuckistani and I saw a water purification plant today and came up with many ways to dispose of people. There were the "rapids of death waterfall manhole", the "mustard gas chamber", the "skirt-eating fan of doom" and the "sludge bucket". We hope to return some day to commit many a murder, some of which may be featured on such British shows as "Saturday night murders", "A murder too far", "Murder, a drink with jam and bread" and "the sound of murder".

Stay tuned!

A Collection of Phrases

2005-12-14T22:33:00.000+11:00

So one day I was feeling deep as paper. Though, for the record, I am java and I like to monk most of the time. Then I discovered that I have pregnant. What the legs?! For days and days I felt very sad. Ink sad. But then I thought about it and it was totally SUPA-FLY! I told EVERYONE on Whirlfool about it and they were totally "Acceptio!" plus-plus.

YAY!

Travel Blogs

2005-12-14T17:47:00.000+11:00

As I'll be off to Sri Lanka and Swaziland in a couple of days for my electives, I will be posting a travel diary of sorts, one at The Expatriate (Blogspot) and the other at Der Auswanderer (LiveJournal). These will have the same text on them, and reading one or the other shall be the same experience- I leave it up to your personal preference. The links to both blogs are also provided on this site (yes, I have finally revamped the sidebar slightly so that it is clearer).

Have a great holiday, people. This site is now almost a year and a half old =).

Aftermath

2005-12-11T17:52:00.000+11:00

thread: Why does the Eye & Ear Hospital smell like Mee Goreng?
Me: Because it improves your eyesight and earvision!
I roll around laughing hysterically
Araluena: Earvision isn't even a real word!
thread: Do you think it might be when you have a TV implanted in your ear?
Me: Did you get to see the Earovision Contest of 2005?

Odds and Ends

2005-12-09T17:35:00.000+11:00

In a celebration of Post #102, I have decided to compile a list of small humorous bits and pieces which on their own would not be worthy of a post! Many of these are almost, in themselves, follow-ups to past posts, and thus, almost a retrospective! Yay!

Medical terms that I have been called recently:

Tylenol
Fertility

Some Definitions:

DateFreeze: (n.) when you are on a date and there is that awkward pause when you think that maybe you should kiss them but you're not really sure what to do.

Fundamental Incompatibility: (n.) when your relationship is doomed from the start because your operating systems and/or hardware do not compute. Contrast: Terminal Error; Critical Failure.

Another bad pickup sequence (on MSN):

H4xx0r: And so, I had this really big accident where I fell asleep at the wheel and the next thing I knew, my car was flipping over, and I almost died...
Me: Wow, that's terrible!
H4xx0r: ...so I decided, to hell with it all! I need a new perspective on life, to live life day by day to the fullest as if I might die tomorrow...
Me: Good plan!
H4xx0r: ... and I think this means I should just have sex with as many people as I possibly can!
Me: ...
H4xx0r: Wanna cyber?
Snipergirl has logged off

In regards to a forum thread about "hot girls" in Harry Potter:

Note how in this post, the lesbian paedophiles send each other emoticons that look like this: "<3". While this is ostensibly a love-heart, it looks a lot more like something far more sinister... recall that the true sign of a paedophile is that they give candy rather than flowers, or take their dates out for ice-cream rather than coffee.

I would like to suggest that this double cone of ice-cream shaped emoticon is the International Symbol of Paedophilia, and is in fact the method by which paedophiles communicate with and find each other on internet fora, secret-handshake-style!

Beware, fellow internet travellers; if someone sends you this emoticon, they are not, as you may have hoped, attempting to get into your silken drawers. Not only are they a paedophile, they also believe that YOU are a paedophile. Possibly with good reason. Be warned.

If you see this emoticon in use, please email us: pedo-land@no-onecares.com or peeweeherman@inksad.net.

Please send this message on to as many people as you can! If you do not email more than 10 people with this message, frogs will plague you, Asian bird flu will infect you, tsunamis, hurricanes and earthquakes will assail you, terrorists will explode you, anti-terror squads will detain you and guards will electrocute your nipples.

Be alarmed, not alert!

And finally, In Memoriam of the Old Q&A, recently deceased. Requiescat In Pace. We miss you:

Welcome to the new, "revamped" Builder's Arms. We are now known to the world as a rather fancy wine bar, quite indeed and have, as such, rebranded ourselves as "Secretia's Secret."

Secretia's Secret! The finest, most exclusive wine establishment in the country of Oe-stray-lia! Do drop in! It will be Rather Dashing!

Zing!

2005-12-08T02:43:00.000+11:00

Cel: Walk around in a fedora hat? Wait, I have a fedora hat! I have two of those!
Me: PAEDO! DOUBLE PAEDO!
Cel: The true sign of a paedo? Reading Harry Potter fan-fiction while playing a broken accordion.

Culture-Specific Syndromes

2005-12-01T05:15:00.000+11:00

Just when the idea of being awake at 5:30am studying for an exam in four hours became truly unbearable, a classic quote emerges from my Psychiatry textbook:

"Frottage is where men rub themselves against women, becoming sexually excited possibly to orgasm. These men are the scourge of mass transit systems during rush hours."

-Foundations of Clinical Psychiatry, Bloch & Singh, 2nd Ed.

Exam Stress!

2005-11-19T04:47:00.000+11:00

For some unknown reason (*cough*examstress*cough*), I feel that my life is perhaps less interesting than I had hoped. Due to my recent attacks of morbid jealousy of people with "interesting" lives, as well as being inspired by recent events, I have decided to embark upon a new plan for my life:

I somehow find a part-time job in the best paying brothel in Melbourne.
As a workaholic, I make loads of money as a result.
I use this money to buy many different drugs.
I take said drugs.
While in the throes of a drug-induced psychosis, I give a public speech to a crowd of several hundred near Flinders Street Station along the lines of: "I believe that all ethnically Sri Lankan New Zealanders born in Hong Kong but who are now naturalised Australian citizens should be shot."
I then get arrested for "advocating terrorism" and imprisoned for 28 days without trial.
My brothel fires me because they have an employment policy which strictly forbids the hiring of "known terrorists".
Amanda Vanstone deports me to the wartorn country of Afpakistine in the Middle East, where I am supposedly from.
Later it is exposed that I am actually an Australian citizen and therefore cannot actually be deported. It is also revealed that I am not, as it turns out, from Afpakistine.
Amanda Vanstone proposes a bill which would allow anyone she doesn't like to have their Australian citizenship revoked. This bill is not passed due to a technicality. Tony Abbott is hailed for proclaiming this technicality to be "un-Australian". Kim Beazley's support drops to a record low of -40, at which point it does not matter whether this is a "preferred leader" poll or a "2 party preferred result". After blaming this on "winter" and "low pressure fronts", in a last ditch attempt to increase his popularity, he opts to compete on Dancing with the Stars.
I attempt to immigrate to Australia on a rickety boat. While in the Baxter detention centre, I finish writing the novelised version of "The Life of the Dire Assassin", as well as a "semi-fictional" memoir about my experiences as a good Aussie Sheila, a real battler. The title? "I'm not Schapelle: The Kylie from Quoinslend story"
Lynndie England is handed her sentence by the American military: to manage the Baxter Detention Centre, which is then renamed "Abu Ghraib".
Guards electrocute my nipples. This makes me very sad. Ink sad.
Somehow I manage to get a secret supply of amphetamines and pirated mp3s into the Detention Centre with the help of my old political ally, Fred Nile. Somalians protest.
We have a rave. The mainstream press decries this rave as another "horrifying account of the abuse of refugees in detention centres". Street press magazines describe it as the "gig of the year". Kim Beazley calls for an investigation into "Abu Ghraib". He gets voted off "Dancing with the stars" as a result. Amanda Vanstone eats another muffin. The Greens use this as an opportunity to attempt to legalise Hash Muffins.
Eventually I am freed from the detention centre. Despite being plastered over newspapers throughout the country, and not showing up to any of my exams, the Medical Faculty has still not noticed my absence and indeed has given me yet another set of identical marks. I am now about to finish final year.
"I'm not Schapelle: The Kylie from Quoinslend story" sells 1,048,576 copies on its first week of release, boosting it to the top of the Australian non-Fiction bestsellers lists above the autobiographies of all the Socceroos players. Numerologists proclaim that this as a sign of the imminent destruction of the world. Said destruction does not occur. Numerologists commit suicide en masse. This day becomes a national holiday.
I graduate medicine after an absence of 2 years.
"The Life of the Dire Assassin" is published. It sells 300 copies in total, all of which go to whiny goths with LiveJournals. Said whiny goths commit suicide en masse. This day becomes the first "National Gothic Day". Citizens are confused as to whether to mourn or celebrate.
I make an additional income stealing drugs from anaesthetics cupboards and selling them to Abu Ghraib through Fred Nile. I almost get caught, but fortunately the person who catches me "has an accident" later that day.
I rise through the ranks and become the Director-General of the WHO.
"I'm not Schapelle: The Kylie from Quoinslend story" is nominated for the Nobel prize for literature AND the MTV music awards. It wins the Nobel prize, but loses the MTV awards. Australian fans who attempted to SMS their preference to the awards are outraged. It is pointed out that there is no SMS voting service for the MTV music awards. There is rioting in Chapel Street for 1 hour. Then Big Brother comes on.
As a result of being the Director-General of the WHO, I am now rich, a doctor, a drug dealer to many detention centres around the world, and obscenely fat. I sleep with a semi-automatic weapon hidden in the folds of my rather significant bosom. I adopt an Italian accent and change my name to "Don Quixote" (pronounced kwik-soat), you know, because it's literary. I use my power and influence to sleep with as many hot Doctor types as I possibly can. I take to wearing diamond encrusted rings on all of my fingers.
After a fulfilling life, I die while choking on an escargot, lobster, truffle, rhinoceros, oyster, pâté de foie gras, caviar, placenta, hot dog seafood bisque. My body disappears from its underground crypt after 3 days and 3 nights...
Snipergirl sightings become commonplace. Face appears in toast. Photographs of me in various settings, including the sky appear in bad tabloids throughout Michigan. It is rumoured that I am in league with the Nintendo Aliens of Metroid-5. Samus Aran is not amused, and goes and shoots some shit, just for fun.

The End...

... Or Is It?!

Where do I find these people? Part One

2005-11-16T19:18:00.000+11:00

In a direct followup to the previous post, we have another edition of...

WHERE DO I FIND THESE PEOPLE?!

Today we will examine the a sample of the various pickup lines and flirting methods (I think this is the most reasonable explanation of what they were trying to do) that people have once used on me.

My room, 6 a.m. The phone rings.

Me: Hello?
Ben4Sex: Hey, it's Ben here.
Me: Why are you calling me at 6 a.m?
Ben4Sex: Can I come over? I've been out all night
Me: No.

Later:

Me: I'm sorry, I'm busy all week at class. And at my part-time job bathing ducklings.

On a Second Date

Guy: ...and then I had this horrible skin condition as a child and all my skin peeled off.

Later:

Me: I think I'm gay.

At the Groove Armada Concert

I am walking to the bar with Fearsome Beret
Random Girl: Is that your boyfriend? [points to Fearsome Beret]
Me: No...
Random Girl: Because you could do so much better...
I walk away quickly

At the Peel

Guy: Would you like to dance?
Me: Sure, why not?
We dance
Guy: Would you like to watch me masturbate?
Me: WHAT? No!
I walk away quickly

In my house

Girl with the Red-Haired Boyfriend: Are you a prostitute?

I am not sure what possesses people to think that these tactics will even vaguely work. I can't think of anything more off-putting than these methods! Excepting, you know, if a girl asked you if she could take a dump on your chest.

Unsubtle Enquiries

2005-11-13T00:03:00.000+11:00

So, this fine evening, the following “interesting interchanges” went on between me and other people of my acquaintance out of the blue:

Girl With The Red-Haired Boyfriend: I have a random question for you...
Me: Go for it
Girl With The Red-Haired Boyfriend: Are you... a prostitute?
Me: Huh?
Girl With The Red-Haired Boyfriend: Are you a prostitute?
Me: What? No!
[Awkward pause]
Me: What on earth gave you that idea?
Girl With The Red-Haired Boyfriend: Oh, Red-Haired Boyfriend and I went past your room about a week ago and there were two guys outside your room. And then a few days later you had some other people over, and we were a bit drunk, so we just assumed...
Me: Oh. Right. Well, I’m not.

Later:

Girl With The Red-Haired Boyfriend: So, Red-Haired Boyfriend was sort of talking about how he’s surprised that I’ve never slept with a girl. And then he said something about how he once had this threesome where his ex’s friend just came in while they were having sex and he didn’t really enjoy it. And then sort of said that he didn’t mind if I slept with girls and suggested that maybe we should have a threesome...
Me: Oh, OK.
Girl With The Red-Haired Boyfriend: So, I just can’t really work out whether I want to or not. I really can’t. Like, maybe I couldn’t, but maybe I could, and I’ve just been thinking about it ever since...
Me: Uhhh. Yeah.

Even Later:

Girl With The Red-Haired Boyfriend: Yeah, so I went for an interview for nude modelling.
Me: What was it like?
Girl With The Red-Haired Boyfriend: Well, I was expecting it to be more artistic, you know? But it was sort of, well, pornographic, I think. So I didn’t really sign up.
Me: Sure, sure you didn’t.
etc.

[Exit Girl With The Red-Haired Boyfriend Stage Left]

On MSN:

Me: My housemate just asked me if I was a prostitute
Pet0r: Did you say yes?
Pet0r: Tell her you won’t do her for less than $100
Me: LOL
Pet0r: In the bath
Pet0r: Offer to shave her for $40
Me: And then she started going on about enquiring about nude modelling
Pet0r: LMAO
Pet0r: You should have said, well I could pay you $50/hour for shots for my NEW site, but it isn't being launched for a while yet
Me: "You can have a discount for my services if you forgo your fee"

Aetherfox: Post her pic
Aetherfox: I wanna see if she’s hot

I blame the recent appearance of Tendafoot and Charhate in my lives as their counterparts Sexy Ryan and Sexy Alan, the quantum-entangled repopulaters of the human race for these happenings...

This whole incident very much surprises me. Before this, the closest I have come to prostitution was that time someone gave me $5 for my pair of socks.

I sold my soles for $5. Har har.

Minor Propositions

2005-10-17T03:52:00.000+10:00

After this post, and this post, it is clear to see what is happening to dear Aetherfox. So I was not all that surprised to see that he was listening to a Hilary Duff song. Upon further questioning it became clear that he had acquired this item nonchalantly as it was the soundtrack to a premium paedo website. This somehow led to the obvious question: Is it illegal to possess pictures of the hotter, computer generated Cho Chang with her face 'shopped onto the body of a pornstar? What if it's Hermione?

In due course, we were led to the following observations:

The sign of a paedo? You don't give her flowers, you give her candy.
The sign of a paedo rapist? You walk around the corner, dress up in a Mickey Mouse suit and steal the candy back.
The true sign of a paedo? You walk around in a fedora.

It soon came to light that Aetherfox was indeed in possession of the songs of the ultimate in paedo bait, Nikki Webster, and soon a disturbing fact was brought to light. The astronomical rise in the popularities of these fresh-faced supple young saplings of girlhood, these symbols of corruptible innocence if you will, was clearly due to their marketing to the paedophile audience. Case in point? "Anywhere but Here" by the Duff herself.

The culmination of this sequence of thoughts was indeed, that there was an unmissable financial opportunity available! Yes, that is correct, a compilation CD called "Paedo Bait 2005 Vol. 1" featuring the "music" of Hilary Duff, Nikki Webster and Amanda Bynes, with secret 'shopped hybrid photos encoded into the music files- including the faces of prominent Harry Potter pinup girls.

Soon, sick of the endless progression of childlike fake eargasms, Aetherfox changed the music he was listening to abruptly.

To Kelly Clarkson.

A Surprising Turn of Events

2005-10-15T15:53:00.000+10:00

It seems that my future experiences of worming orphans in Somalia and, hopefully, defeating Fred Nile at his piratical political career, have taken a turn for the more bizarre:

Fred Nile Strikes Again!

I am appalled and disgusted by the lengths to which this political animal will sink. Depriving Somalian orphans of their food indeed! And purely for the purpose of fulfilling election promises in the University of Melbourne Student Union elections. While, as Siren Elmira the Seductress may attest, these are elections without equal in terms of world influence, I feel that such an act is both depraved and shows once more the lengths to which Christian Fundamentalists will go in order to take over the world.

Now Gloria Jeans, that's another matter altogether...

Nomenclature

2005-10-10T13:57:00.000+10:00

So, I've been called yet another weirdo variation upon my name. Today I will summarise the ongoing weirdness that is other people and their inability to pronounce the name Thilini. Yes, I have been referred to by all of the following names.

Evil alter egos:

Villany
Tyranny
Khilini

Good alter egos:

Trinity

Ditsy yet morally neutral alter egos:

Tiffany
Thilicity

Greek alter egos:

Thillanis

One wonders why the "creative" minds involved in this rebranding of Snipergirl have not been employed by some similarly "creative" employer.

Like Bollywood.

On The Nature of Geekdom

2005-10-07T04:19:00.000+10:00

[p class = “Chat Transcript”]

Snipergirl: have you seen da sydney p33pZ0rs?
Sydney Girl: what?
Sydney Girl: lol
Snipergirl: the sydney p33pZ0rs. they're a travelling circus of geeks.
Snipergirl: as in the kind who bite heads off chickens
Sydney Girl: nooo
Sydney Girl: yuck
Sydney Girl: i don;t want to see them
Sydney Girl: ahaha
Snipergirl: they're great
Snipergirl: i saw them when they came down to melbourne
Sydney Girl: what did they do
Sydney Girl: kill chickens?
Snipergirl: well, sort of... but they did it in entertaining and creative ways,.,
Snipergirl: like, there was a bit where they juggled the heads
Sydney Girl: yucko
Sydney Girl: lol
Snipergirl: and they managed to co-ordinate the dead chickens so that they ran around synchronised
Sydney Girl: no way
Sydney Girl: ahaha how funny
Snipergirl: i KNOW!
Snipergirl: it was one of the highlights of the show
Snipergirl: and as you would expect from geeks, there was a myriad of interesting electronic gear
Snipergirl: plus, they all spoke in l33t
Sydney Girl: what is that?
Snipergirl: you know, that geek language where they put numbers in everything
Sydney Girl: hmmm hmmmm
Sydney Girl: no
Sydney Girl: ahaha
Snipergirl: lol
Snipergirl: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leet
Sydney Girl: taa
Snipergirl: http://www.google.com/intl/xx-hacker/
Snipergirl: anyway i think you should go see them
Snipergirl: they're doing a world tour at the moment i think... but i'm guessing htey'll be back in sydney soon enough
Sydney Girl: yeah where are they from
Snipergirl: sydney
Snipergirl: duh
Sydney Girl: ok ok
Snipergirl: *sigh*
Snipergirl: anyway i am hungry as
Sydney Girl: yeah me too i might eat soon and do some uni stuff
Snipergirl: awesome
Snipergirl: catchya later dudette

[/p]

Mile High Club!

2005-10-03T14:31:00.000+10:00

'Twas a fine day upon which I decided to plan my future around the world trip with the help of the trusty Siren Elmira the Seductress. For he had a wealth of experience in regards to air travel, and I, as a future medical professional, required a round-the-world ticket to deliver me to such ports as Auckland International Airport (AKL), New York's John F Kennedy International Airport (JFK) and London's Heathrow Airport (LHR). Let it be known also that the Siren has a wealth of tools at his disposal in regards to those much vaunted airline perks: the class upgrade.

The first question was, of course, which airline consortium I wished to fly- OneWorld or Star Alliance. For what few know is that they are in fact the rival puppet masters of the skies; the Illuminati and the Freemasons if you will. There are a myriad set of complex rules and requirements that cement the free upgrade. It is an arcane set of contortions that one must perform for this promotion, and indeed it has been described thusly:

"Sometimes you just have to wait for someone in a higher position to die."

And in fact it was the case that not so long ago an expatriate maid returning home upon a British Airways flight expired mid-flight and had to be kept in the empty First Class cabin. As one air hostess stated:

"Poor old bird, it's the only way she would have gotten upgraded."

Upon Singapore Airlines it is of course standard for planes to have within them a corpse cupboard in case of such grievous events. Possibly because so many maids fly on it, and are therefore more likely to expire.

What many do not realise is that main reason for the Siren's frequent air travel is to make use of his bisexual tendencies with the lovely ladies of the sky. Sometimes he even uses it as an excuse to breed and "drop a litter". However this is somewhat of a problem upon British Airways. For you see, those flight attendants are the hottest women that Britain can muster. You are much better off in Business Class where you are to be served by the sexiest men of Britain, the expatriate Wild Sheeps. Some of these are in fact Weresheep, men who have been affected by the "Polymorph" spell and now fluctuate between human and sheep form and are therefore lovely and fluffy all over.

Now, many of you may believe that Wild Sheeps originate from the country of my first travel destination, New Zealand. However this is a fallacy. While New Zealand may be the largest population of Wild Sheeps in the world, their true home is the Bronx in that second destination of mine, New York City. These native purebred Wild Sheeps are tough bastards, not to be crossed. Woe betide anyone who points out the colour of a black sheep's wool in the Bronx. In fact they often drop many a litter after breeding.

Now, while I was rather satisfied by my choice of travel agent in this matter, The Musketeer and Aku Soku Zan were less so. In fact they believe that in this current climate of airplane uncertainty, that I shall end up on precisely the wrong flight, on my way to a small airport in the middle of nowhere upon a rickety Cessna. That's right, kids. In 2 years from now, you may find me deworming orphans in Somalia.

Intriguing!

Fred Nile (Reprinted from uncyclopedia.org)

2005-10-02T05:46:00.000+10:00

Fred Nile is an Australian politician and pirate who is of what is usually assumed to be Fundamentalist Christian right-wing persuasion. However, this is merely a facade for his secret links with the Australian mafia, pirates and University of Melbourne Student Union.

Political career

Fred Nile's current political career began in the year 1506 when he initiated what would become the Gunpowder Plot in protest over the Australian government's persecution of pirates. After a quite thorough character assassination as punishment (he was hung from the rafters of that ugly building in Canberra), he managed to reincarnate himself as a Zombie Christian fundamentalist Senate candidate.

After several attempts to control the Australian Senate, with various degrees of success (opposed by the Australian "Prime Minister" John Howard), Fred Nile is thought to have developed links with the mafia. Not long after this, he was recruited by several Socialist factions at the University of Melbourne Student Union as a political consultant. He in fact during this period stole a pirate ship from a fat Tasmanian lesbian pirate known as Robyn and donated it to the anti-VSU campaign. This pirate ship was then adorned with slogans referring to treasure and arse.

Not long after this, it was announced that Fred Nile was launching a campaign to run for the position of Queer Office bearer in the University of Melbourne Student Union elections. His platform was to be that of prayer and conversion to support the sinners in their sin. And also to provide hitman-type services for queer students for a fee and to provide "even more pirate ships".

Tales from the Depths of Union House

2005-09-28T03:48:00.000+10:00

Gay man: Look, I just don't find pre-operative female to male transsexuals appealling!
Transgendered person: That's transphobic!
Another gay man: Does that mean that he's also oppressing women by not wanting to sleep with them?
Sheila Jeffries: Of course, you testosterone-filled sack of human excrement! I'm going to write a book about how much I hate you all. Ph34r my l33t f3m1n157 w4yz.
Computer geek: Pwn'd! j00 f41L @ l1f3.
Science geek: Is it time to play D'n'D yet? I brought my Duergar Mage Robe just in case! I bags playing my Level 12 Lawful Evil Dwarven Cleric-Mage with -6 Charisma and a wart named "Betty" which has the ability to Turn Infected an additional 3 times per day. Oh, and we HAVE to play 3.5 rules this time!

(Let it be known across the land that such a conversation did indeed occur. We are all quivering in our boots.)

Gossip! (A Tragi-Comedy)

2005-09-25T18:08:00.000+10:00

So, this chick, she was dating this guy. And then she cheated on him with her Quality Assurance Manager. 'Cept of course then she found out she was pregnant. Then she realised that the manager wouldn't stick with her, so she married the first guy. He has no idea of this all. So then she says the following classic line to Priscilla:

"I wish I was single like you"

... wait. This isn't funny at all! This is just tragic! This is like those "Horrible Truth about Charissa" posts, except with less intrinsic value!

I need a life.

ROFLing in our seats. A true story.

2005-09-12T16:46:00.000+10:00

Roflov, the reckless Russian is one of the many associates, comrades if you will, of Roflstain, the dirty German (no relation to Roflstalin of course). They are followers of the politics of the great Roflmao, who flies around the world in his Roflcopter, spreading his ideology. The Roflcopter is powered by the insanely powerful Infinite Monkey Typewriter Rofl Engine, which as you might imagine is a perpetual motion machine powered by infinite numbers of monkeys with typewriters both rolling on the floor laughing while typing "ROFL" an infinite number of times. However, unbeknownst to Roflmao, the Infinite Monkey Typewriter Rofl Engine has a subtle flaw- it is better compared to a nuclear explosion than a controlled nuclear reaction. One of those explosions that slowly starts to go out of control... till the entire world explodes in a wave of laughter. A world-killer explosion of SIDE-SPLITTING PAIN AND SUFFERING!

Pain and suffering has never been funnier... or perhaps laughter has never been so painful and sufferingful...

Dancing Robot

2005-09-10T21:30:00.000+10:00

It's having so much FUN!

Surfin' the Information Highway

2005-09-05T23:48:00.000+10:00

While discussing matters of personal hygiene and information technology with The Dark Prince (and how achieving such aims cannot be pursued simultaneously), the concept of the world's first rugged outdoors laptop came about, back-of-napkin-during-drinks-with-physicists-or-engineers-style. Here are some model numbers which I feel are relevant:

XXTreme: The world's first waterproof shock-proof wireless enabled laptop. Designed for rugged outdoorsy types, usually with stubble and bleach-blond hair, possibly with a mountain bike, a surfboard, portable bungy-jumping apparatus and a shitload of pot. Comes with free GPS and an onboard first aid kit.

XXXTreme: In the vein of BMX XXX, this laptop features extra sex appeal and comes in a variety of sexy streamlined ergonomic designs. Comes with USB vibrator device and with optional wipe-down plastic cover.

XXXXTreme: A special model for the Quoinslend bloke who demands more from his laptop. Comes with free onboard hacksaw, 100 different drill bits, sander and jigsaw attachment; 7 different drinks holders with various slogans imprinted; homing missile device for destroying coffee and interior decoration at a distance; GPS system with "nearest jellyfish/crocodile/shark/hot chick" feature activated. Note: This model does not come out in the colours pink, purple, rainbow, paisley or spangly.

XTreme: Turner's Syndrome.

eXTreme: A model dedicated to sufferers of the ill effects of using the XXXXTreme rather than the XXXTreme to pick up chicks. Comes with free anti-depressants, booze and Valium.

SSTreme: Special model for ESL students with fascist or neo-Nazi tendencies. Comes with your choice of authoritarian paraphenalia and case logo detail. Note: This model has been withdrawn in Germany and Austria pending legal action.

MONOTreme: What do you get when you mate kissing-sluttiness-related viral illnesses with platypi? A model with hybrid appeal! Comes with free Zovirax, and an evolutionary biology diagram! Note: USB PCR device included for an extra $50,000/= (excl. GST). Primers not included.

You know what? I think we'll make a mint!

Booyah!

The Worst Thing Just Happened To Me The Other Day

2005-09-03T16:43:00.000+10:00

So there I am, sitting in my underwear in front of my computer, with the blinds up, in my room which faces the __________ Hospital Emergency Department, and happens to be on the ground floor. And so this random guy wearing a hat walks past, looking in, and before I can do anything, he does a double take, walks back and actually looks in. Then I hurriedly pull the blinds.

You know the weirdest thing? I think he was wearing a fedora!

I really should've seen that coming.

Born in the Republic of Ireland...

2005-08-22T16:45:00.000+10:00

So, not long ago, Fog Monster and I were driving back to Melbourne from the town of Colac via a small hamlet known as Birregurra. Suddenly the words of the timeless classic "Ireland" by Tori Amos struck us as particularly appropriate:

"Driving in my Saab, on my way to Birregurra (Ireland)
It's been a long time, it's been a long time
Driving with my friends, on my way to Birregurra (Ireland)
It's been a long time, it's been a long time"

Its resemblance to the style of The Corrs came to my attention then, almost as a blinding flash- why didn't we sponsor the production of a Corrs cover of "Ireland"?

After borrowing a substantial sum from Fog Monster, I set about my dream. The Corrs, unsurprisingly, acceded to my demands almost immediately. "Ireland" soon became a number one hit all around the world, as no-one can resist hot Irish babes (and one not particularly hot Irish guy) crooning lyrics about small Swedish cars and their home country. When interviewed on Jools Holland, Rove and other silly TV interview shows that feature a loud, obnoxious host while the musicians sort of stand back, mortified, audiences were treated to a beaming The Corrs, a delighted me, and a glowering Fog Monster in the background.

"So, what inspired you and Snipergirl to make the brilliant leap from Tori Amos to the Corrs?"
"You know, Jools Holland, I still haven't gotten my money back. I have a message for the world: STOP TREATING ME LIKE A BANK."

Not long after this of course were the Irish national elections. The Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, in the style of the use of "Born in the USA" for the Ronald Reagan re-election campaign, decided to use the Corrs version of "Ireland" for the campaign to return his party, Fianna Fáil, to power. Many a TV advertisement in Ireland featured fresh-faced patriotic Irish kids hailing their tri-coloured flag to the now patriotic hymn.

Fianna Fáil was returned to power by a landslide victory.

And there was much rejoicing. Soon an interest in this historic song, this folksong of divine simplicity devoted to the love of one's homeland, the Irish Isle, overwhelmed the nation. Documentaries were made en masse. And Birregurra, the little town that could, full of real Aussie battlers who fought the good fight and birthplace of what was now almost considered the true Irish National Anthem, became a major tourist destination.

Irish patriots flooded the valley and set up Irish pubs, an Olde Irishe Village, small shops that sold those strange little traditional uniforms, a Gaelic institute, a National University of Ireland, Birregurra campus and a Royal Gaelic Hospital to service the new migrants. The population of Birregurra skyrocketed, and a special customs point and airport with daily flights to Dublin was opened. After some minimal fuss from the Australian Federal Government, who local Australian residents felt "didn't really care", Birregurra became the first and only locale in Australia to secede and become Irish territory, the Free Irish State of Birregurra.

Adventures in the Amazon

2005-08-14T17:36:00.000+10:00

Upon discussion with the ever-present Kermit the Frog, the following scenario presented itself deep within the Amazon rainforest:

We are walking through one of the trails in the Amazon rainforest late at night
Suddenly a wombat materialises
I trip over the wombat and fall
The wombat dies
I hit my head and also die
Tarantulas and giant ants eat everyone
Hilarity ensues

This is not dissimilar to another supposed possibility in St Petersburg:

A famous military figure is riding his horse through St Petersburg
The horse rears up on one leg in a symbolic fashion (representing death during horseriding)
The militay figure falls off the horse as a result
The horse falls on top of the rider
The rider dies
A bus appears and runs over both of them
The horse dies
Hilarity ensues

Death on holiday has never been so hilarious!

13 Months!

2005-08-14T12:42:00.000+10:00

So, happy 13 month anniversary as of the day before yesterday I guess, people!

More than a year!

Booyah!

By Popular Request...

2005-08-13T17:14:00.000+10:00

And now, dear readers, a post which is sorely overdue. The account of a night two months ago...

THE NIGHT OF WHEN WE HUNG OUT WITH BIG GIRL, PREDATOR, PIGEON-RAT AND THEIR CAT AT THEIR HOUSE!

So, there we were, we being of course me, Big Girl, Predator, Pigeon-Rat, Pet0r and Kitten's Boyfriend, and the cat Se7en. After some thai and vodkas, of course the conversation got a little feisty. Turns out that there was this one time that Big Girl unknowingly put her finger up her pussy (7). Predator no like. Things of course took a turn for the more extreme.
The truth is, as many of us have suspected, that a sneeze is truly a thousanth of an orgasm. Pet0r, when sneezing, a delightful pleasure, always falls down while engaging in this activity, and thus the term fallgasm originated:

(n.) an orgasm sustained while falling (Olde Englishe).

The other truth is, as the CommuNazi suspected, far more bizarre than rumour. For Big Girl and Predator, were experiencing "marital difficulties". Thus they decided to have a threesome with TV's most famous lesbian entertainer Ellen. Then Predator and Ellen merged to form an entity known as MichEllEn. Unfortunately, Ellen fell in love with Big Girl, demerged with Predator and then proclaimed her love in the following sentence:

"YOU BITCH!"

And then she ran away back to TV land and then went out with Portia de Rossi. They are not reported to have any more threesomes as PorshcEllen.
Later it turned out that Big Girl was really really really sexy, and liked to stroke her angina, which is like a vagina in your chest, while her pussy looked on, jealous (VII). This resulted in her having dyslexia.

POSTSCRIPT: REVENGE OF THE COCKRINGS

Today I met up with Pigeon-Rat and Predator at the Victoria Markets. As we proceeded back to
....this broadcast is being taken over by the Predator...wahahaha....I would you you all to know the truth, dear readers, that the sweet and innocent Snipergirl that you all know is really an evil sexual predator who propositions sweet shop keepers by walking into sex shops and requesting a "glass of water". Once she has this "glass of water", and lets face it, we all know what that is a euphamism for....she proceeds to make a date with him so she may go and perform kinky acts with him the following weekend with the objects in his store. She was heard to shriek "oh my god..what is this for", quite often and will, I imagine, be expecting a demonstration next week.

Lotsa updatesa soona!

2005-08-07T16:48:00.000+10:00

I'm going to try and update over the next few days... there's a fair bit to actually put in. Yay!

Things I do or do not think

2005-06-29T21:00:00.000+10:00

Firstly, for your amusement before I get into the rant, I have discovered, to my surprise, a site which actually manages to have blogs that are even whinier than those on the dreaded LiveJournal. Yes, this site is Vampire Freaks, which appears to consist mainly of whiny goths (as opposed to the non-whiny ones) in whiny goth outfits doing whiny goth activities like whining, gothing, listening to Evanesence and posting drivel of this calibre. The first thing I wondered was "get into" what? Then what "69" really had to do with music. Finally I had to agree with the owner of this blog; if my English was that bad, I would also "Want to die". The truly ironic thing of course is that this ESL Vampire is one of the top 5 rated girls on this site. One has to wonder what kind of people rate this stuff. Oh yeah, that's right, it's the Death Squad.

[rant]

And so, finally, an experiment of a different kind comes to an end... Yes, that's right, for those who have been following its progress over the last few months, Dire Assassin has finally signed off, probably for good. My comments as to the success of this project are up now. It's been an interesting time. I've never written such an openly crass, self-centred and cruel character before. As a writer, I feel that I've grown as a result as in the past I would not have had the faintest idea how to begin such an undertaking. To the uninitiated, Dire Assassin was a "what if" scenario. What if there was another explanation for my behaviour, one that posited that I was, in fact, the typical career-obsessed self-centred arrogant medical student? And what then would be the responses of the readers, many of whom know me?

I was somewhat amused by many of the responses I received.

I was also fairly shocked.

It seems that much to my surprise (given my initial problems with writing the character consistently), Dire Assassin was realistic enough to be believable, to the extent that everyone actually believed it was me. And then of course there were the times that even those who knew of the cheap artistic ploy assumed that there were small hidden messages that hinted at reality. Yes, I'm looking at you, Viridiancircle ;-).

What saddens me of course were the expressions of rage, disgust and outrage which this blog invited. In many ways Dire Assassin deserved much of what she got, and the fact that it enraged people demonstrates that the character was exactly who I wanted her to be. However, what I did not expect was how personally people took what I thought was obviously not a very "me" sort of blog. I thought she was quite obviously a character with a different nature to mine. However it seems that quite a few of my friends had problems dealing with a) the separation of fantasy and reality and b) just how nasty my fake character was. As I explain on my rant, I did let small amounts of reality bleed through which accounts perhaps for what happened.

Anyway, while 2 or 3 posts are now private entries for various reasons, the experiment as a whole is staying up for your perusal!

[/rant]

Poor Taste and Progeny

2005-06-01T01:57:00.000+10:00

I am frankly disgusted. The depths to which the people of this country descend to in raising the children of this nation disappoints me. I have discovered what I believe to be a new category of child abuse, that of "cultural abuse". This is when you expose your kids to unfortunate influences and thereby stunt their cultural, emotional, intellectual and verbal development. I believe this is a commonplace practice, and one that may not draw out the outrage that it deserves, but hopefully over time will be up there with physical and emotional abuse. Here I present to you a typical case study:

Exhibit A is a 23 year old intelligent female who is studying medicine, presenting with perceived memory loss and vague feelings of "vagueness". She cannot remember any more of the history of presenting complaint. Upon further questioning it is discovered that her male parental unit played "Meatloaf" and similar artists during her gestation and early childhood development. In fact this resulted in feelings of inadequacy regarding her father's questionable taste and a selective memory impairment of significant periods in the 80's, with particular loss in terms of cultural phenomena.

A conscious state examination revealed that she was unable to name three of Madonna's number one singles, the date on which the 80s began, copy a complicated looking diagram with "AB" and its reverse written next to each other, or even repeat the phrase "Guns 'n Roses are totally radical and awesome dude". This appeared to be a result of a hysterical state induced by the extensive cultural abuse sustained as a child, as she often winced during questioning and flat out refused to answer.

During the physical examination, Exhibit A became extremely agitated, shouting epithets such as "Stop touching me!" and "I'm calling my lawyer you pervert!" and "I'm not your bloody long case, go bother some old woman with Alzheimers on 5 North!". This correlates well with the level of cultural trauma induced; clearly trust and intimacy issues have arisen from the decades-old abuse.

In conclusion, Exhibit A, a 23 year old medical student is an otherwise intelligent medical student who has suffered clear signes of cultural abuse as a child and has signs of what appear to be memory loss of hysterical nature and severe emotional disturbance resulting in an inability to feel her up, I mean, conduct a full neurological examination. Fundi were normal. It is reasonable to assume that this cultural abuse resulted in her merely achieving a place at the most prestigious medical school rather than becoming a child prodigy who cured cancer at the age of 11.

Her ongoing issues include her memory loss, her emotional disturbance and her lawyer's fees after she finishes attempting to sue the crap out of me and failing. My management would include 15 MRI scans, those whiny self-help tapes with Earth Mothers talking in the and Enya playing in the background, a full blood examination, urea and electrolytes and several Betamax tapes from the 80s so that she can relive the memories that she has lost. And a repeat fundoscopy every 3 months until she dies.

Thankyou and goodnight.

I am appalled that this sort of abuse would occur in Australia. However after the release of my new self-help tape in 12 parts for $459.99/= each called "Cultural Abuse: Healing the Beyond" I feel that this ridiculous problem shall be brought to the wider attention of our community! Life will never be the same! 11 year olds will cure cancer!

The future will be ours, my children!

True Sociopathy

2005-05-26T00:36:00.000+10:00

So, less than a week after pondering the meaning of the term "sociopathy" with a certain Pet Redhead, I was to discover the true meaning of the horrors of Antisocial Personality Disorder...

For Chris Medicine and I had, in the depths of time known as "first year", "fresherhood" and "eee! so cuuute! 18 year old fresh meat!!" attended a lecture in which a lady with Beta Thalassaemia spoke to us of the problems she faced with her disease. In classic style, our decorum was something that would vanish almost as quickly as this story begins...

Beta Thalassaemia Woman: ... and so I survived more than 10 years longer than the doctors predicted.
Me (loudly): You go girl! You show those doctors!
Chris Medicine (to me): Shut up!

Later:
Beta Thalassaemia Woman: My friend, who also had Beta Thalassaemia, and I were out for sushi one day. I just went to the bathroom for 5 minutes. When I came back, she was DEAD.
Chris Medicine (to me): I wonder who ate the sushi?

And thus contemplating the past over MSN, questions regarding this exchange surely surfaced. Who did eat the sushi? Did that person develop food poisoning? Did the ß-T woman eat the sushi and then grieve? Or grieve, then eat the sushi surreptitiously? Or perhaps, bulimic-style, she stuffed her face with the sushi while sobbing in the ambulance? Maybe there was no sushi left because her friend had in fact choked on the sushi? Which led to a discussion on what the rate of death by choking actually was...

Me: My aunt died of choking secondary to her chronic renal failure secondary to her ovarian cancer. Which isn't funny at all.
Chris Medicine: Absolutely not, as there was no sushi involved.
Me: ROFLMAO

Yes, that's right folks: we are the doctors of tomorrow. We are the future.

The Creator of the "Perpetual Dildo Machine"

2005-05-24T03:14:00.000+10:00

Check out his majesty!

Extraction of Foreign Objects

2005-05-14T21:03:00.000+10:00

On this lovely Friday evening, I managed to catch up with our fair characters Araluena, Richey, Tendafoot and Sir Gawain. After a fine wander through the roads of Carlton and dinner on Brunswick Street, we made our sojourn at my residence. Thus ensconced my guests were strangely enraptured with the various implements and appliances. And in time the conversation turned to Marc the Ferret, my ferret toy, and the strange possibilities regarding ferrets and their predilection for trousers. Wondering what it would be like to fit Marc the Ferret down my pants became tiresome and thus I took it upon myself to test this hypothesis.

"It's down my pants and it's vibrating!" I claimed ecstatically.

Not to be outdone, Sir Gawain decided to insert my hairdryer into the groinal region of his trousers.

"It's hot, hard and burning!" exclaimed Araluena.
"It was more interesting meeting your hairdryer," agreed the fair but unchivalrous Sir Gawain

Then Richey took it like a man and stuck my iron down his pants...

"Tendafoot, alarm clock."
"Tendafoot, alarm clock."
"TENDAFOOT! ALARM CLOCK!!!"
"This is the bit where you say 'no way'..."
"No way."

Prudie, Deficiently

2005-05-08T03:44:00.000+10:00

And once again, the time comes in which to mock those who are lesser than us, in reasoning ability as well as the forum in which they air their grievances- yes, that's right, internet advice columns. When I was sent a link to the following article at the impressively mediocre MSN Slate internet magazine, I was unsure what to expect. Perhaps the kind of gratuitous narrative that seems to haunt both agony aunts and the internet, that dispenser of the cruel and unnatural. What I didn't expect (but in hindsight was quite inevitable), was quite the level of impressive mediocrity that followed.

There is just so much wrong with this advice column that it's difficult to know just where to start. Firstly, we have the subject matter: what kind of self-respecting advice columnist takes on "telling your kids that their father has been in jail" given the possibility of answering "what to do when you discover that your secret lover is not only your brother, father and granddaughter but is cheating on you with... your pet horse Pablo" or "how to fix your hydraulic dildo without waking up your grandmother"? This column is boring to the point of being surreal. Then there is the matter of the complainant's recourse to pseudo-feminist ideology in defence of her stupid and frankly guilty husband; besides which, what kind of man ends up being bitten by two skanks in a pub?

And then of course there is the none-too-intelligent "Prudie", our dim-witted agony aunt. I'm not sure how one would "finesse" a question, but I'm fairly sure that Prudie has done a rather poor attempt at it. Then of course: "Prudie hates to take issue with your theory that women are never charged because they are women, but she does"- I am not sure which is worse, the childish reference to herself in the third person or the childish terrible grammar. And of course there is her rather "imaginitive" solution to the problem at hand: there's no point explaining to your child because Daddy will be out of prison before she starts school. Never mind the fact that Daddy has to go and see a parole officer every 2 weeks, and he's not allowed within a 2-mile radius of some random chicks, and all those kids at school say mean things about Daddy. No, it doesn't matter because the moment you leave prison everyone forgets that you're actually a dangerous ex-convict. Sort of like in those "happy ever after" fairytales...

And to top it all off, the letter is signed "Prudie, analytically", after such a retarded response.

I'm speechless.

Edit: To see a compilation of the comments from this conversation go to this link. Feel free to add more to this via comments!

Bleeding Hearts

2005-05-02T19:42:00.000+10:00

Now, this post is one dedicated to the 13 year old para-suicide market. Yes, that's right, those whiny goths who listen to Evanescence.

I've been spending far too much time on LiveJournal; the LiveJournal of course that is the headquarters of the whiny goth movement, with its endless streams of posts along the lines of "I got depressed and cried today" and "woe is me, my friends are all dead" and "I got a haircut today, and it was terrible" (it's truly amazing how many bad haircut posts there are on LJ).

So in a moving tribute to poems about wilted flowers, black lace and spiders, I present to you, my dear readers, an account of the revenge that perhaps one day we shall mete out to those peddlers of self-pity, those whores if you will of florid mock Victorian prose...

It begins when we lure interested parties into a den of horrors somewhere in an alleyway off Flinders Street festooned with such slogans as "Extentua, Princess of Gloom", "Katastrophika the Owl", "Atalectesis" and "Black Dawn: The Deathening". Drawn to the dodgy ambiance, our victims will flock, and we shall sequester them alone. And when they pause in the doorway... then BAM! Stake to the heart!

"So, who's got a bleeding heart now, you anaemic vampire wannabe!"

"Love lies bleeding" indeed...

The Cycle of Sucking

2005-04-26T01:11:00.000+10:00

"Pride sucks balls
Balls suck Liz
Liz sucks Seb's Abortion Views
Seb's Abortion Views suck foetus"

Why There Will Never Be The "Viagra Dildo"

2005-04-24T18:06:00.002+10:00

People just don't like to be reminded that they're being screwed by a drug company.

Questions of the week

2005-04-22T00:05:00.000+10:00

"Do you think a dildo could fit in a baby's mouth?"
"Would you be psychologically scarred if you had an orgasm while breastfeeding?"
"Would you have sex with a dog... if it was a hot dog... with a big sausage?"

This has been brought to you courtesy of Roberto, Seokie and I. Crazy bastards.

Honey, I think the SUVs have reproduced...!

2005-04-21T02:34:00.000+10:00

So, there we are, The Evil One, Seokie and I, going over to a certain Horshamite doctor's house to obtain his dog in order to take it for a walk. We check out the house and the side garden; no dog can be found.
"I guess he's not home, even though his car's in the driveway," Seokie noted. The car was actually a large silver SUV.
We decided to return later. As we walked into the hospital again, we noticed a silver SUV pull up and park. A nurse got out of it.
"Oh, I thought that was Dr K's car!"
"Yeah me too!"
"So did I..."
We looked at each other and laughed; what a coincidence. Later that day we headed back to the house. Yet another silver SUV was parked just in front of the house. Then another one drove by; this was just starting to get a little creepy. Seokie mentioned that this reminded her of a cartoon where the shopping trolleys kept multiplying every time people looked away. And sure enough, whenever we weren't paying attention, yet another silver SUV would drive past, or park or happen to pop into existence. As I recall we counted in excess of 8 or so. Creepy.

Somewhere out there, there is a very happy couple of silver SUVs parked on top of each other.

Creatures of the Night!

2005-04-19T01:06:00.000+10:00

The Doorman: Vampire lesbians are the worst kind of lesbians! Just imagine them, munching on each other during their time of the month!
Me: Are you sure that's not werewolves?

I'm never, ever doing gynaecology.

Plebs.

2005-04-18T15:03:00.000+10:00

And this is why I will never live in Mt Waverley. So we get on this train to the city, and these random idiots get on. Their conversation goes a bit like this:

"Heh heh heh. Fuck. Andrew is a faggot, Andrew is a faggot."
"Shut UP!"
"Andrew is a faggot, he takes it up the arse."
"Yeah, whatever"
"Hey, Andrew, that girl is so fucking hot, I wanna see her tits. Go talk to
her!"
"Why don't you talk to her, fucker?"
"I can't be fucking bothered. You're such a fag, Alex is doing you up the
arse"
"He so is not!"
"You're always at his place, you're so his boyfriend!"
"Hey, the last time I was at his house I was there for 5 minutes just to
pick up my $20."
"I thought it was $50 you lying cunt."

And there I am, sitting with my relatives from Sri Lanka. Including my 9 year old cousin.

Introduction to Melbourne: 101. The way people actually act and talk.

Sigh.

Maths Chicks: A Dissertation

2005-04-17T16:02:00.000+10:00

"So this one time, at maths camp, I stuck a fraction up my pussy! But I only got it in halfway and then it almost split me in half and then I did it multiple times. Then I felt whole"

Theatrical Operations

2005-04-14T02:23:00.000+10:00

So, there I was, sitting at our residence in Horsham, just chilling out after hours. I'm watching TV, waiting for the oven to be heated so as I can chuck the Tandoori chicken in the oven. The phone rings- it's the surgical nurse on the phone, apparently the surgeon wants to show us something in the operating theatre. No-one else from our group is around, so I quickly put the chicken in the now heated oven, set my alarm for when I need to head back after the operation to turn the chicken over, and I leave for theatre.

It's a cholecystectomy (removal of the gallbladder), in case you were wondering. The surgeon is halfway through the operation. He carefully dissects out the gallbladder, cutting away the surrounding fat and vessels, easing it away from the liver. Finally it comes out, red, swollen, infected. My watch starts beeping. Dammit.

So I ask one of the nurses whether there's a phone in here. I'm crossing my fingers, hoping my other med groupmates have returned home. I pick up the receiver and dial. The wrong number. I dial again...

"Hey, this is Thilini"
"Hello?" It's Nicole, one of the nursing students staying at our place
"Hey, I really need a favour... I've left something in the oven and I'm in theatre..."

So there I am, in the middle of operating theatre explaining cooking directions over the phone to this girl. Invariably the others start laughing. Especially as I have to explain these instructions about 3 or 4 times:

"No, you have to take it out now, turn over the pieces, brush them with oil, then put it back in for another 20-30 minutes!"
"Ok, I finally got it! Hey, she says do this..."

While they are finishing up an operation. To remove a gallbladder.

I was mighty hungry by the time I got home to eat.

Oh, the irony.

Friends Online!

2005-04-12T02:37:00.000+10:00

And thus it came to be that I went out in Sydney to hang out with the gays of Newtown of a Wednesday night with a couple of people, including Ez. We ended up, after a few beers at the Zanzi Bar, where we spied a few people who we had seen at The Bank. In my rather inebriated and therefore overly chummy state, I decided that it would be a good idea to talk to these three individuals, as Ez appeared to know one of them. She however, was rather unwilling to do the same, which all things considered could have been a better decision to have made.

So I introduce myself and sit down. There was Ez's Internet Friend, a girl I can only dub ADHD Girl, and NihilisticAngel (whose profile I realised later that I had seen online). These three had all met each other on the infamous GaydarGirls site. It soon became apparent that Internet Friend and ADHD Girl had some kind of weird fuckbuddy-esque relationship, and that NihilisticAngel was in fact taking oestrogen (which she sort of did then and there). I was talking to ADHD Girl who sort of seemed possibly attractive before I talked to her, but soon after starts to appear rather hyperactive and odd. Then I ask her about what she's studying:

Me: So what are you studying? [Thinks: She seems possibly cute]
ADHD Girl: I'm studying homeopathy
Me: Oh, that sounds interesting... [Thinks: Ok maybe I'd only make out with her for fun...]
ADHD Girl: So what are you studying?
Me: Medicine
ADHD Girl: Oh, that's sort of like... *long-winded explanation in weird homeopathic jargon which basically seems to relegate medicine to some sort of odd and inferior position*
Me: Uhhh, yeah ok. [Thinks: ... If I was desperate]

Later as I recall I made a comment about doubting that I was going to pick up in Sydney. ADHD Girl puts her arm around me and smiles. I ask whether that's an offer. Internet Friend glares at me. Then those two start to make out. I look over at NihilisticAngel who comments that it's "so cute". I comment that they look like they're about 18, and about as intelligent. They retort that they're actually 20. They keep making out intermittently. I back away slowly.

Three drinks later, while talking to some randomly interesting straight people, ADHD Girl comes up and asks me whether I'm interested in NihilisticAngel. This completely knocks me out of leftfield. I say I'm flattered, but no. Then I shake my head in complete incomprehension of just how random this night has been.

Then I drink some more.

Addendum, of a Sort.

2005-04-11T05:24:00.000+10:00

And for those who are, shall we say, derisively snorting at the comments that follow the previous post, I have a selection of quite fine non-alphebetic additions to the English language that I would like to share with you.

*** <--- This is Roberto. He's just a baby.
... <--- This is the ironically named Patience. People often use her, and she feels quite abused as a result. She feels molested when people kiss her.
&$%&$%&$% <--- This one is quite decadent. The Decadent One would not be averse to being kissed goodnight and tucked into bed. So to speak.
&%&%&% <--- This is The Gaudy One. It's quite cool, but rather Indian.

If you find my odd use of ASCII to be offensive, just think, things could be much worse! I could be Mussolini's crazy granddaughter. Or that nutcase Pim Fortuyn!

What would you all do if I was Jacques Chirac?

H4xx0r!

(Whoever is responsible for this conversation, you know exactly who you are.)

The Gay Republic of Fiji, part two

2005-04-07T02:28:00.000+10:00

And in a coincidental and repulsive twist of fate, dear brothers, sisters and otherwise-gendered siblings...

We have cause to begin our invasion! It seems that the decidedly Non-Gay Republic of the Fiji Islands has decided to wreak revenge on us non-heteronormative ones for our comrade George Speight's failed coup. It seems that an Australian man, and the Fijian man he slept with have pleaded guilty to homosexual acts, and face a sentence of up to 14 years in prison. We must avenge our brothers and rise up in arms! With a Gay Republic of Fiji we can offer these poor men asylum within our borders!

Viva la revolución!

Ironic

2005-04-07T02:00:00.000+10:00

It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife. It's like meeting the man of your dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife.

And fucking her.

Tales from the Outback

2005-03-29T00:12:00.000+10:00

So, there I am, checking out some timetables for my eventual return to Horsham, and I happen to notice a certain little town called "Keith", which is some way along the road from Adelaide to Melbourne. As I happen to be chatting to Siren Elmira the Seductress at the time, I mention to him the existence of a town named after him and proceed to google it.

The results were intriguing, and shall I say, ironic, to say the least. Keith is a small, rural, agricultural town in South Australia with a population of roughly 1,200. It was founded in 1889 in the middle of a desert. No-one even moved in for another 5 years. They only had a proper BUILDING a decade later. Even so, it is older than Siren Elmira, not to mention larger. In a statement reminiscent of Ferrero's penultimate question "Can you grow vegetables in your pussy?", it turns out that "Keith is a busy grain growing centre and produces around half of Australia's lucerne crop."

I wonder if there are any wild sheep in Keith?

Some Links:

Travelmate guide to Keith
Sydney Morning Herald article about Keith

Confessions of a Back Seat Megalomaniac

2005-03-28T14:33:00.000+10:00

I have not, until this point, outlined the life that I will pursue prior to my retirement to a dodgy apartment block with my partner in crime, Sarah. My dear friend Pet0r and I shall embark on a journey which in due time will affect the course of world history...

It begins when we patent that final universal constant, Death. The money that is raised from such an undertaking is used to purchase Greece and our new homes. I shall live in Victorian State Parliament, and commute to work by my F-18. While ruling Greece in a fair and just manner, I shall promote various associates of mine to Ministries. I shall be Citizen Thilini, Mother of Our Nation, Prince Xerxes shall be Citizen Michael, Father of Our Nation, Pet0r shall be the all powerful Prime Minister For Life, Narftroz shall be the Minister for English and Churches and Ferrero shall be the Minister of Love, while Phil opposes my tyrannical reign with his own tyrannical reign. I will institute a policy of herding the red-heads to a small Greek island, where they shall be bred in captivity to be sold as pets.

Beyond this, the future is ours to contemplate...

From Greece with love,

As ever yours,

Snipergirl

Best Pickup Line In the World

2005-02-24T15:43:00.000+11:00

"You're straight, that's hot. I hate this bar, it sucks! So... how 'bout it?"

Cyberdeath and other disasters

2005-02-11T17:10:00.000+11:00

I have, as of late, been unfortunately absent in my posting on this blog, and neglecting you, my fine readers, in the process. Bear with me as I go through what I would term "technical difficulties". In case you were wondering, you bastards, the following has happened to me since getting back to Melbourne:

I moved into a new place
The power supply in my computer exploded
I need a gastroscopy
I keep ending up at exhibition openings full of lesbians who are for once trying to pick me up

I shall update you fully on the newest happenings on my bizarre life soon-ish, hopefully within the next few days!

With love,