Friday, September 05, 2008

Survivor!

In a throwback to the Victorian era we have the following rather "enlightened" post from our new Australian travel reporter, oh, sorry, intrepid colonial explorer, Princess Bellatrix L'Estrange of Bougainville!

The post opens with an eloquent dissertation on the extremely unexpected unappealing qualities of the sordid streets of that resort town Phuket. This is not the South-East Asian tropical haven we have all imagined from watching the television- it is in fact:
"so humid here, very very hot."
Oh wait, yes it is the SE Asian tropical haven we had imagined!

Indeed she continues with the comment that:
"The streets are crazy and dirty, prostitutes cover the street. Its [sic] a filthy horrible place here. You cant [sic] walk 10 seconds without someone trying to grab u [sic] into their street store or a massage parlour."
Personally if prostitutes were literally the paving on the streets of Melbourne, it would be a filthy fantastic place! I would be overjoyed with the abundance of ladyflesh that I could drive over in such a paradise! Princess Bellatrix does not seem so fazed later in the piece by the ladies-
"Outside i [sic] had a massage, very nice and well taken care of. full body massage i figured out including this beautiful thai [sic] girl massaging my breasts."
Unfortunately the meaning of the previous sentence was lost to me through the mists of time. The romantic-era poetry of homoerotic massage parlours in exotic locales ("Orientalism"-style) is drawn upon well however without a corresponding increase in the quality of the grammar or spelling.

Phuket is a dangerous place (due to the rampant prostitutes, crazed masseuses and ... "Frogger"-style traffic) we find out:
"My room in the motel is the only safe place i can go... if i just stay in my resort im [sic] happy and safe."
Not even the beaches in this beach resort are safe! Thus she has to resort to:
"the pool downstairs ... veryclean [sic] and paradise with all the coconut trees and the man serving you cocktails in a cocconut [sic] while u [sic] are still in the water."
In fact she is clearly having a very miserable and horrible time in this devilishly evil place-
"ok [sic] today it is like monsoon rain and have been stuck under a verandah in a 5 star bar drinking cocktails. very nice. as soon as it stops i [sic] will need to leave my safety."
Woe! Alas! Not a 5 star bar! Not... cocktails?!

Princess Bellatrix L'estrange of Bougainville is a most generous and condescending patroness. She is very charitable to the locals and understands their needs and humanity entirely:
"I went into the pool and felt paradise to take away the bad experience of the life of these thai [sic] people. They know no other life, its [sic] just a struggle for them to earn enough money. We always tip them greatly and make them happy."
She even "feels paradise" whatever that may mean. I am sure it is something very regal.

She is also a gastronome of the highest degree, a veritable connoisseur of Thai cuisine who knows exactly where is best to buy food in Thailand:
"we found a thai restaurant in a western style mall, the best thai food ever tasted"
I am sure that soon she will be back in the sanity of the civilised Mother Country amongst the Queen's subjects, away from the madness of those heathen Oriental lands with their peasant-like inhabitants, morbid climate and hazardous sex workers!

It behoves me to make the obvious pun at this point- let us hope that dear Bellatrix does (?not) continue to be a DumbBelle!

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