Friday, December 28, 2007

Announcement

I am, forsooth, hereby back from the wilds of Bendigo!

"Watch Out", City of Melbourne! That wanted character, SniperGirl, who can pick outlaws and renegades off at a distance with a minimum of shots to the head is back. Ready, vigilante style, detective-style tweed trilby atop head to hunt down Bad Guys and Killers. Wearing boots of stealth and sneak, lockpick in hand, easily slipping in and out of homes and where you would least expect. Striking with deadly cunning skill, in order to frighten and confuse the Enemy and its Allies with splendorous zeal.

Yes indeed, Melbourne, I am back.

Huzzah!

Cute LOL

Cute Little Old Lady (>80 years old): I've had my share of medical problems... heart attack, diabetes, blood pressure... I've broken the right hip and had it replaced, broken the left hip and had some screws put into it. You could say my hip's "screwed up"!

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Get Out Of My Emergency Room!

"Let's dial up the defib on the CT scan STAT!"
"45 milligrams of morph! I think the MRI will conclude a psychomatosis...."
"Her pulse rate's 47.5!"
"The vitals are critical!"
"Time to call in the paediatric cardiosurgoids!!!"
"Next of kin's on the phone, what do I say?"
"Just tell them... we're here... saving lives."

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

The Future is Now

Me: the later seasones have too much daria being couply
Jaymz: yes
Jaymz: no-one should be coupely
Me: seasones? coupely?
their prediction has come true!
we all DO speak esperanto (or should i say desperanto) in the 21st century!

Sad but true

It has come to my attention that there appears to be a strange theme to my most listened songs in the past 3 months. Here are most of them (in order):
  • London Rain (Nothing Heals Me Like You Do)
  • Feed It
  • Come On Come On
  • Fidelity
  • Sad Tomorrow
  • That's Not Really Funny
  • Ladyflash
  • Lies
  • What the Fuck
  • I Don't Love Anyone
  • Day Old Blues
  • Spark
  • Light My Fire
  • Everybody Here Wants You
  • start again
  • Let It Be
  • The Sun is a Mass of Incandescent Gas
  • Who Sold Her Out
  • Not About Love
  • Nothing Changes Round Here
  • Underwater Love
  • Gamble Everything for Love
  • Hang Me Up To Dry
  • Some Might Say
  • Feel Good Hit of the Summer
  • Female of the Species
  • Wicked Ways
  • Slow Night, So Long
  • Damage
  • Losing You
  • ( I Could Only ) Whisper Your Name
  • I Don't What to Do Anymore
  • I Came All This Way
  • Better
  • Jenny Was a Friend of Mine
  • It's All My Fault
  • All These Things That I've Done
  • Starlight
  • Forgiven
  • What's My Age Again?
  • If She Wants Me
Intriguing!

Friday, November 30, 2007

The Truth About Sudoku

"Sudoku is a puzzling bacterial zoonotic disease. It is caused by outnumbered spirochaete Spirillum minus.

Sudoku is mostly seen in Asia...

The symptoms include recurring fever, with body temperature 38-40°C. The illness lasts for 2-4 days but recur generally at 4-8 weeks. This cycle may continue for months or years together. The other symptoms include malaise, headache, irritability and inexplicable frustration.

Prognosis: Mortality ranges from 6-10%"

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The Truth About Lawyers

This is forsooth the truth about lawyerse:

That they do not bed 'neath cotton but gold leaf;
That they eat not of food but of manna and
of Babies;
That they feast upon finest bone china composed of
Babies' Bones and
That they reside within houses made of such Babies' Bones;
Indeed they sell these houses as investement propertiese
upon the
open markett.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Dazed and Confused

Me [to unwell patient]: So, in order to monitor your fluid balance we're going to have to put in a urinary catheter to watch how much urine you're putting out.
Old adorable lady with dementia in the next bed: Can I have one too?

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Scary rather than amusing

SCENE: A Slow Day On The Medical Ward

Nurse J: Can you have a look at this [heart] monitor for me?
Me [looks up]: Sure!
[Snipergirl looks at monitor]
Me [looking at wrong monitor]: Wait, did that patient just have a run of 5 beats of VT?!
Nurse J: Wait, where?
Me: The top monitor! What should I do?
Nurse D: Well, I guess you could call the ward, make sure the patient's ok?
Me: Alright, I guess I'll call them. Oh, and that rhythm on your patient's paced.
Nurse J: Ah, it is too!
[2x failed attempts to contact ward]
Me: Ah fuck it, ICU will call the ward anyway, they're monitoring it automatically after all.

5 Minutes Later

Nurse K: Quick, call a code blue! [cardiac arrest]
Announcement: CODE BLUE MEDICAL _____, CODE BLUE MEDICAL ______ !
[Snipergirl sprints to the rescue]
Snipergirl: Oh. It was that patient after all. Fuck.

fin

NB: As it turns out, ICU did see the monitored rhythm and were on their way regardless... thus explaining the code blue. Scary though nonetheless.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Quotes of the Fortnight

"Catheters are piss easy"

Anonymous: I don't really like it when people make jokes about anal sex. It's rather painful.
Me: Only if you're on the receiving end!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Coolest Classes at the University of Melbourne

  • Art, Pornography, Blashphemy, Propaganda (APBP)
  • Egyptology for Beginners
  • Teaching the Commonsensically Disabled
  • Ducks and the Natural Habitat
  • Elementary Lego Skills
  • Cheese for Beginners
  • Sleep Studies (prerequisite for major in Narcolepsy)