Wednesday, December 06, 2006

One Step Closer to Liberation!

It seems that the country of Australia upon which I dwell has taken a step towards the eventual emancipation of those who are referred to as "Redheads".

As noted previously, the state of Greece shall at some point breed these delectable curiosities for sale to the households of the future upon an island. This island shall elect a leader known as the Minister for Pet Redheads (who is destined inevitably to be the lovely and delightful Pet Redhead) who arbitrates for the rights of these strange creatures.

The current Shadow Minister for Pet Redheads in the continent of Australia, Sexy Jules G has been elected to the position of Deputy Leader of the Opposition, much to the consternation of fashion commentators country-wide.

While the conservative Australian press and parliamentarians may deride this development, I feel that this is but an inevitable step on the march of progress. Let us look forth to the day when Redheads will stand together with humanity as one, and this minority shall be counted in the ranks of humankind!

I have a dream!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

The Death of All the Romance - Wikipedia and Webcomics


Dear Friends,

I come here to speak of you of the death of romance, that elusive dream. That wide-eyed idealism which brings us awake with the fire of passion. The romance of democracy.

A portal of overwhelming information, a bastion of freedom of information, a testament to the manner in which ants can build a kingdom- that is Wikipedia. And it is broken.

A corrupt kingdom for a corrupt king. Wikipedia may be my favourite information source, but the fact that it is prone to deletion fads on particular topics (such as webcomics and, quite frankly, anything web-related), contains a mass of people who constantly bias "neutral point of view" and allows administrators who appear to have nothing in the way of qualification to exert such power over pages is frankly awful. The bureaucracy is comparable with that of the US of A, that other bastion of "democracy".

What is the point of claiming that your information source is the most comprehensive one in the English language when you allow people to delete notable topics willy-nilly? Especially since deletion pages are filled with people who will argue deletion based on "alexa page rank". Does anyone here remember Alexa? I recall that Alexa was nothing more than a sneaky weasel of a spyware that lurked on my system for all of a day. I cannot recall anyone who actually uses this nasty piece of software- apart from people too stupid to delete it. Yes, that's right, they are basing their statistics on stupid users and what they don't read.

Then there is the circumcision page which is full of non-medical Americans who are biased in favour of male circumcision shouting down anyone who argues otherwise- circumcision being a practice which is almost universally condemned by paediatricians and paediatric surgeons.

The list goes on.

The surprise of course is that Wikipedia works at all. But it does. And the truth is, that it works best when left to its own devices and people are free to create and edit topics freely- with intervention by experts in the field when there are disputes. Not biased super-admins but experts.

If Wikipedia, which arguably has become reputable leader of information by fiat, continues on this course, it will not be able to keep its position as such. The current policies are suited well to small projects, not sprawling encyclopedias.

As I recall, the glorious Roman empire fell into decay and ruin more than once during its reign. What shall Wikipedia do? Shall it fall into decay or shall it evolve with the times and with its new role? Will we be starry-eyed about this lover in 10 years from now, or will we have moved onto the new best thing?

I shall avenge the death of all the romance.



If you have seen an example of abuse of the NPOV and "non-notable" rules on wikipedia, please publicise it and post it on your blogs. The more this is exposed, the more likely it is that reform may take place...

Monday, August 21, 2006

Where Do I Find These People Part Two, or, "Dating by Counter-Example 101"

This is the tale of my past run-ins with a rather... shall we say... unskilled young man who came into my acquaintance, a Commerce/Engineering student who shall henceforth be known as Tech Support.

Now, I came to know of Tech Support during a night at a housewarming party. He seemed nice enough, rather handsome and potentially dashing. I was, however, uninterested, my heart at the time having been reserved for someone else. The Good Doctor (a crazy fellow and my housemate) had been attempting to seduce the fair Henny Penny (a fun chick, har har) with tales of Strawberry Fields. This while she attempted to flee his company. And so I decided to ask for some help! So I spoke to Tech Support of my quandary (that of housemate versus good female friend), and after a brief discussion, I embarked on a plan of action. At this point The Good Doctor burst in, rather flustered. Tech Support took it upon himself to enquire whether The Good Doctor had acquired the story of Strawberry Fields from a shadowy organisation known only as "mASF" which his friend was a member of. The Good Doctor proceeded to demand to know what mASF was... and whether I had any intentions to let Tech Support within our premises for a good porking. At this point I stormed away, rather insulted. Throughout this, Tech Support acted as a gentleman despite my polite rejection and ended up escorting me home. We exchanged numbers and I thought to myself that I would like to perhaps be friends with this fellow in the future.

A good-looking, nice, single, intelligent man interested in my person? And normal too! Wonders would never cease!

Several weeks later, after I had finished my blasted supplementary examinations, I decided to invited Tech Support to drinks with a few friends. He rejected my offer, but two days later I found myself being contacted at the Witching Hour (or should that beWitching Hour) of a Sunday night by this young gentleman, who was camping out in line for Commerce Ball tickets. This should have been my first warning sign. I said at first that I needed to go to bed soon as I had classes the following day and that I would catch up with him some other time, but was finally persuaded to head out briefly.

It did not take long for the moves to be made, as it were. He suggested that we take a walk, so that he could make an excuse to pick me up, so that he had an excuse to place me in his lap, so that he could make an excuse to try to somehow kiss me. The trail of cause and effect was truly a miraculous thing. My usual tricks of "confusing and distracting the opponent" and "weirding him out" failed miserably in the face of this rather determined plan. It is amazing how, absorbed as he was with the technically challenging art of "seduction by Internet pick-up line", he did not appear to be able to listen to a word I was saying. In fact, he was positively boring and seemed to lack any personality beyond that which was created by his impressive range of tricks designed to entrap me.
"Oh look, the sky is purple!" I exclaimed as he leaned in to kiss me. The sky in Melbourne is often purple at night due to the heavy clouds reflecting the city lights.
"Disguise purple? Huh?"
"The SKY. Is PURPLE" I said, annoyed.
"Disguise purple with what?"
"With pumpkins and tiny little moons. Purple pumpkins no less." I said sarcastically.
"Yes..." said he, unsure, as he made a move to try to kiss me again. I sighed.
I should probably point out at this point that the sprinklers at the University of Melbourne conspired to stop us from sitting upon the various benches near South Lawn (or as I term it, South Swamp) for long. I pointed out that it was "probably a sign". Once again, this did not deter this ardent young gentleman. Finally we ended up sitting in a small garden-like area in which there was a not-particularly-bright light.
"That light is so... annoying," quoth he, attempting to shield my eyes from this flame (and also push my face towards his so he could kiss me).
"The light's over there." I said, pointing to a spot a few inches from where he had placed his hand.
"Oh." He moved his hand.
Then of course he started to kiss me. I sighed inwardly and thought to myself "fine, I'll put up with this just long enough to make up an excuse and LEAVE." I said a couple of times that I really should get going as it was getting rather late. He did not, however, let me go. Finally, he asked if he could come back to my house. I said that as it was rather late and I had a class tomorrow, that the answer was no. He did not get the hint. In fact, he asked me this several times. The answer was the same each time. Finally I got up and decided to leave. He lay pathetically on the bench.
"Are you going to stay there all night?" I asked.
"Well, I don't have anywhere else to go, do I?"
Disgusted, I walked away. I did not need any more neediness in my presence. Oh well, that was the end of my attempt to be friends with this rather pathetic creature. As I walked home I thought to myself of how fortunate I was to have had worthwhile and meaningful relationships and to not be so deprived as to fall for the shallow, superficial and pitiable "charms" of such an individual.

I got home, then, at 2am, fixed myself a snack and got ready for bed. The phone rang. Unsurprisingly, it was my young dandy.
"Hey! What are you up to?"
"I'm about to go to bed."
"So, if I turned up at your place and rang the doorbell... would you let me in?"
"Um, no. I'm going to bed now."
Awkward silence ensues
"You know... you know what freaked me... you know I wouldn't..." he began, flustered. Oh no, I thought to myself, one of those 'you can't have rejected me, I must be rejecting you' types.
"I'm sorry, what are you saying? Can you speak up? You don't seem to be making much sense..."
He continued in this rather bewildered vein of "ums" and "ahs" until I received a knock at the door from The Good Doctor's mother who is referred to by my own forebears as the Mother-in-Law (not due to any romantic involvement between myself and The Good Doctor, I might add). At that point, I quickly excused myself.

I was amazed. Such an example of idiocy I had not seen in quite some time.

Now, I may not be the ultimate expert in the fine art of "séduction à l'Internet", but I can tell you this. There are plenty of Fine Ladies who will certainly "admit one free" to their "rollercoaster ride" without so much of this kerfluffle about tricking them into desiring romantic relations with one's person. For, there are in fact, females with sex drives who want nothing better than a one-night stand in the world. In fact, if I, right now, wanted a "good root", I would probably go down the rather simple route of going to a bar, getting drunk, approaching any attractive girls speaking to persons known to me and striking up a flirtatious conversation. After a small amount of time, it would be obvious as to whether this girl was similarly attracted to me, there would be some kissing, further drinking, and a question as to whether this girl would like to go elsewhere with me.

And if said girl did not wish for our intimate relations to proceed further, then surely one must accept such a thing with good grace- there are opportunities in the future for such temporary measures as sexual intercourse, and one has in fact exchanged something of value, that precious, delicate and undervalued act of the kiss. Nothing is worse, in fact, than tricking or coercing or desperately pleading with a young woman only briefly of your acquaintance for sex.

And... none of this super-romantic nonsense should be indulged in. It should be a fairly to-the-point affair, where it was clear that both individuals wish to exchange mutual and temporary physical affections upon each other and nothing more. And in fact, romantic garbage and canned pick-up lines would get in the way of this process, due to its superfluity and, well... the fact that such things make you give off an air of sleazy desperation.

Now, I must apologise, my dear readers, for my detour into that abominable thing known as a moral discourse within the telling of my tale. For this tale is not, indeed, quite at an end. The endgame to this play of "wits" follows.

I had thought my dealings with this caddish fop over and done with for good. Few men would take such a blow to their manly ego lightly, and would generally withdraw, lick their wounds and find a new target for their false affections.

However, less than one week after the aforementioned episode at around 4am, I received the following Text Message:
"Hey hun [sic] i [sic] know its [sic] late but i Havnt [sic] had time to call you, been flat out :( Had a dream about you last night... Tell you about it mon [sic] if your [sic] free after 5?"
Now, spelling, grammar and capitalisation errors (and the fact that he endeavoured to waste his effort on someone who had soundly rejected him) aside, what is wrong with this example, class?

Firstly, there is the matter of "hun". Is this some kind of reference to Attila the Hun? Is he trying to refer to me derogotarily as a German? I have heard of "hey hon" ("hon" here being an abbreviation of "honey") being used as a rather bizarre term of affection by sleazy men towards their targets. However, let us consider that "hon" is up there with "darl" and "love" as a term that old ladies from Quoinslend or Moonee Ponds use to refer to their grandchildren. I fail to see how this is in any way meant to cause me to wish to involve myself in a torrid passionate affair with anyone.

Secondly, how is inattention (in the form of having been too "flat out" to call) and callous disregard (in the form of being contact at an unreasonable hour) to a potential lover meant to be in any way appealling? Especially considering that the wording of the message implies a quite calculated attempt to play "hard to get".

Thirdly, after all of what transpired, what on earth would possess me to care about the contents of his clearly fictitious dream? In fact, who would ever believe that someone would be so pathetic to have dreamt about someone they had met twice? And of course the clever phrasing to imply that he was in fact doing me a great favour by spilling his guts in such a way, and that I would like nothing better than to hear his prattle on a Monday evening.

I ignored this missive. It was not altogether surprising that I later found out that he is apparently spreading the word that I was "all over" him and texted him "all the time". Sad.

Tech Support. A shoulder to lean on.
All our Lines are Open for Service.
We're here to help.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Why To I Am Crying Last Night

Last night, while I for whatever dumb reason browsed the "Spread Firefox" site- a particular highlight of my day, I tell you- I stumbled across this little effort from a young man who may or may not be from Thailand. As any Thai person in their right mind will tell you, for whatever reason Thailand is not exactly a hotbed of Firefox usage. This brave young man, rebel striving against adversity as it were, has created a website which chronicles the bold reasons why we should all dump Internet Explorer and its sorry Tartarean code for the bright Elysian Fields of Firefox.

The result is here.

What can I say, the guy gets an "A" for effort. This is a boy who clearly loves Firefox. He wakes in the morning with a big smile on his face thinking about how Firefox will help millions. He goes to school/work/jail/church/marae/home with a spark in his eyes and a spring in his step. He knows that he is working for the common good, for the benefit in humanity. So much love has gone into this website. So much love.

So, it broke my heart to see the spelling errors, the endless grammatical flaws. The facts aren't exactly... factual none neither. There's a big ugly ad across its metaphorical forehead which is almost akin to when a big bully writes "loser" on you in permanent marker and you have to walk around with it all day, or when your mother dresses you for your first day of high school and you happen to be wearing orange bike pants. The example of a pleasing "firefox theme" is actually the most godawful example of poor taste I have seen- it looks like an underage disco, all black with neon lights and maybe all with the illicit kissing with way too much tongue and braces and pimples in the corner away from the teachers. Reading this website and almost chortling to myself I felt that deep guilt that you sort of get when you see this defenceless lower-than-average-intelligence kid with her shirt on backwards get picked on and you sort of don't do anything and just sort of giggle nervously.

This website is truly the retarded puppy of Firefox advertising websites.

CUTE like a retarded puppy.




Anyway, that's why I'm turning up late to class tomorrow.


Tuesday, August 08, 2006

In reference to past events

Inspired by a singular quality of men that I appear to attract... here are the following inappropriate puns:
"I'm not letting that male anywhere NEAR my P.O. Box."
"Well, you should start using Hotmale instead!"
"See the problem with young technologies is that they come too fast..."
I hang my head in shame, awaiting the fair princess who will lift me from this den of boredom.

Good Knight!

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Pun of the day

Saint Vitus's Dance sounds evil. Possibly medi-evil.

Roffle. Mayo.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Farewell Anon! (An elegy on the fortold end of Sarah?)

Farewell fair Lady Sarah,
"Saz" as she was affectionately known
by the crowds
who come to see her today
in Trafalgar Square

Her epitaph reads: "She died a Thousand Deaths" (rounded to 1 s.f. of course).

The lady who died 852 deaths is remembered by
her faithful dogs,
possibly an iguana, a python,
hordes of chimeric hybrids of the two,
and her arch-nemesis
Sir Thilini of Foot-ah-Scray
"Grand sale, Grand sale"

Lady Sarah will be remembered for her services
in the area of taxidermy
and state embalming

Goodnight kind sir
Goodknight fair lady

"Lady Sarah: she did the wilting flower look

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Compelling Reasons to Hire Interns

"I'd like to apply to your hospital... because I'm doing research for my new role on 'All Saints'"
"I want to marry a doctor and become a housewife and I figured your doctors make the most money. Say, are you single?"
"Surgery is the closest thing to 'Scrubs', and I think it makes a very fetching fashion statement"
"I aspire to pork nurses and your hospital offers many professional opportunities for advancement in that area"
"I really like 'House', and your hospital reminds me of that show"
"I think your hospital lanyard adds a certain... je ne sais quoi!"
Some of these statements were things that I really should have said at that farce of an Auckland University med school interview.

Oh, the irony of hindsight. The pain.

Friday, June 23, 2006

How To Unstick A Cocktail Shaker

"It doesn't require a solvent it requires the LAWS OF THERMAL EXPANSION TO BE REVERSED .. AND POSSIBLY SOME.. WATER."
- Animal Muda

Friday, May 26, 2006

Painful, Inflammatory and Unusual

Upon hearing of such grand doctorly names as "Galaxy" and "Omar", at my time at Sunshine Hospital (where the weather is determinedly overcast), I began to feel that my own title was perhaps inadequate. It was at this point that I began to see the technical language of my chosen career, that of medicine, as a treasure trove of lovely names which I could use for my own purposes.

There is that very pretty Latin spelling of a traditional name, "Anaesthesia". Then there is "Candida", a very common name among the not-so-English speaking world. I have taken a fancy to "Porphyria", which I have been told is also a lovely poem by Robert Browning. I even know an "Alexia" in real life! "Chorea" is a nice, friendly sort of place to be named after.

As to a surname? Well, mark my words, I was surprised to see a name very similar to that of a familiar gynaecological condition upon the back of a Greek soccer player this evening. His surname? "Salpingidis". It certainly brings to mind those famous characters of Willy Shakespeare (known for his many inventions, including the vibrator- from which he obviously took his name), those of King Leer and his daughters Chlamydia and Gonorrhoea!

So much choice! So few letter spaces on those immigration forms!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Rejected Perfume Ideas

AD: Calvin Klein Perfume: "Sexual Evolution"

Scene: A darkened sensual room with a lava lamp in the middle. Black and white. Background music: wanker jazz.

Lava lamp:
Sometimes i feel like an amoeba next to another amoeba.
Then we merge.
And exchange genetic material.
I like to call it
The new perfume by Calvin Klein.
Evolve. To a higher state of organism.


Sunday, May 21, 2006

Rar. Zen of Thilini.

Inspired by Pet Redhead's innovative t-shirt idea (see title), I embarked on a mission to convert those around me to my new enlightened perspective. Much like Siddhartha Gautama after he progressed from Bodhisattva to Buddha, I realised that the philosophy of "rar" must be delivered to the people of the land so that they could find enlightenment as I have. As the Buddha did upon his journey after enlightenment, I journeyed (online of course) to my dear mother, Amma, and decided to pass on my newfound wisdom. The chat log is as follows:

Thilini: rar
Amma: What does that mean?
Thilini: it's just a random sound
pronounced like this: "rar"
it can mean anything you like!
it can represent anger, sadness, happiness, joy, fear, boredom, interest...
sometimes it can even mean the 5 precepts
Amma: Very non specific
Thilini: it is the best word!
imagine if the english language was replaced by it
the world would be a much better place
and everyone would just say "rar"
Amma: you are crazy. It will be like animals

To be fair, she does have a point there. I am crazy. A world of "rar" would be very similar to the aminal kingdom where, for example, a puddy tat can communicate in that pure form known as "miaow", "purr", "hiss" and "body language". But think how happy the aminals are!

Fwee like a kitty kat!

Monday, May 15, 2006

Fairytale Objects

Of a night on MSN, dear Pet0r and I decided that there was something lacking from the repertoire of children's songs. The tragedy of those who do not know how to locate that fabled organ of repute, the clitoris, is an ill paramount in moden society, and such a thing must be rectified by the education of our nation's finest resource- children! The results of this undertaking were as follows.

"Mary had a little clitoris"
Mary had a little clitoris
BINGO was its name-oh!
Sugar and spells
And clitoris bells
That's what little girls are made of
With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
She shall have music whenever she comes!
Such educational material, was, as ever, accompanied by much "nudging" from my partner in crime over MSN. I was muchly stirred by its rich cadence, and my chat window, it did shiver.

As I exclaimed to the mighty Joshie: "Don't you bingo my clitoris!"

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Songs That Have Spent The Most Time At Number Two On The Australian Charts

Six Weeks I must say, these titles are gold. "Born to try", especially.

Where is the love, indeed?

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

A Drip Drip Dripping

Once upon a midday dreary, while I slumbered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious mattress of bedsheets thick,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a dripping,
As of water gently dripping, dripping at my bathroom sink.
" 'Tis some water," I muttered, "dripping at my bathroom sink;
Only this, and nothing more."

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or madam, truly your forgiveness I do seek;
But the fact is, I was sleeping, and so gently you came dripping,
And so faintly you came dripping, dripping at my bathroom sink,
That I scarce was sure I heard you." Here I opened wide my eyes...
...and I realised that the bathroom upstairs was leaking onto my bed.


Sunday, April 02, 2006


We have a new forum, guys: Ink Sad dot Net Forums. As you may or may not know, in future months, we will hopefully be moving everything onto so that all blogs and commentary are in the one place and we have a (hopefully) permanent home. Obviously since I acquired this domain name all of 3 days ago, it's very much still under construction and not much is up there.


Sunday, March 12, 2006

Such a shame.

You can't really replace a desire for hugging and kissing with masturbation.