Saturday, December 31, 2005

A Life Less Ordinary, Part Two

As it turns out, I was wrong. There is something worse than the aforementioned scenario. You could also have a chocolate milk addiction, and as a result, also require a Swazarian Section (where they take the baby out through an incision roughly the size and shape of Swaziland), and your baby gets born with cocoa cravings.

Howwible. Tewwible. Nightmawish even.

Friday, December 23, 2005

A Life Less Ordinary

We have also determined that the worst thing that could ever happen is going through Labour Colour Oedema Anaesthesia Theatre at the Centre for Paediatrics (OK, so maybe I went overboard with the Brytysh speeling, but really what I meant was labour, as in the pregnancy, not as in the work or the politics. Isn't it a shame that you didn't end up at the Women's Hospital, you ended up at the CHILDREN'S?!?!?!), while you're passing a kidney stone. Then, suddenly, you get a 3rd degree perineal tear. Then you get pyelonephritis (kidney infection). Then you have an asthma attack. So your obstetrician decides you're better off if you have a caesarian, making all that pain and suffering a bit, well, redundant. Then they shatter your kidney stone with ultrasound at the same time (this is the only happy part of this story). After all of that, you manage to get an amniotic fluid embolism, which manages to give you disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC or basically having so many tiny little clots EVERYWHERE that you can just bleed ot death). Then you die of strokes. The end.

"Thilini just said that it is ok to make fun of dead people ie if this actually happened to someone...she is going straight to hell in a handbasket!!!!!!!!!!!" - The Canuckistani

Murderpiece Theatre

The Canuckistani and I saw a water purification plant today and came up with many ways to dispose of people. There were the "rapids of death waterfall manhole", the "mustard gas chamber", the "skirt-eating fan of doom" and the "sludge bucket". We hope to return some day to commit many a murder, some of which may be featured on such British shows as "Saturday night murders", "A murder too far", "Murder, a drink with jam and bread" and "the sound of murder".

Stay tuned!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

A Collection of Phrases

So one day I was feeling deep as paper. Though, for the record, I am java and I like to monk most of the time. Then I discovered that I have pregnant. What the legs?! For days and days I felt very sad. Ink sad. But then I thought about it and it was totally SUPA-FLY! I told EVERYONE on Whirlfool about it and they were totally "Acceptio!" plus-plus.

YAY!

Travel Blogs

As I'll be off to Sri Lanka and Swaziland in a couple of days for my electives, I will be posting a travel diary of sorts, one at The Expatriate (Blogspot) and the other at Der Auswanderer (LiveJournal). These will have the same text on them, and reading one or the other shall be the same experience- I leave it up to your personal preference. The links to both blogs are also provided on this site (yes, I have finally revamped the sidebar slightly so that it is clearer).

Have a great holiday, people. This site is now almost a year and a half old =).

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Aftermath

thread: Why does the Eye & Ear Hospital smell like Mee Goreng?
Me: Because it improves your eyesight and earvision!
I roll around laughing hysterically
Araluena: Earvision isn't even a real word!
thread: Do you think it might be when you have a TV implanted in your ear?
Me: Did you get to see the Earovision Contest of 2005?

Friday, December 09, 2005

Odds and Ends

In a celebration of Post #102, I have decided to compile a list of small humorous bits and pieces which on their own would not be worthy of a post! Many of these are almost, in themselves, follow-ups to past posts, and thus, almost a retrospective! Yay!

Medical terms that I have been called recently:
  • Tylenol
  • Fertility
Some Definitions:

DateFreeze: (n.) when you are on a date and there is that awkward pause when you think that maybe you should kiss them but you're not really sure what to do.

Fundamental Incompatibility: (n.) when your relationship is doomed from the start because your operating systems and/or hardware do not compute. Contrast: Terminal Error; Critical Failure.

Another bad pickup sequence (on MSN):

H4xx0r: And so, I had this really big accident where I fell asleep at the wheel and the next thing I knew, my car was flipping over, and I almost died...
Me: Wow, that's terrible!
H4xx0r: ...so I decided, to hell with it all! I need a new perspective on life, to live life day by day to the fullest as if I might die tomorrow...
Me: Good plan!
H4xx0r: ... and I think this means I should just have sex with as many people as I possibly can!
Me: ...
H4xx0r: Wanna cyber?
Snipergirl has logged off

In regards to a forum thread about "hot girls" in Harry Potter:

Note how in this post, the lesbian paedophiles send each other emoticons that look like this: "<3". While this is ostensibly a love-heart, it looks a lot more like something far more sinister... recall that the true sign of a paedophile is that they give candy rather than flowers, or take their dates out for ice-cream rather than coffee.

I would like to suggest that this double cone of ice-cream shaped emoticon is the International Symbol of Paedophilia, and is in fact the method by which paedophiles communicate with and find each other on internet fora, secret-handshake-style!

Beware, fellow internet travellers; if someone sends you this emoticon, they are not, as you may have hoped, attempting to get into your silken drawers. Not only are they a paedophile, they also believe that YOU are a paedophile. Possibly with good reason. Be warned.

If you see this emoticon in use, please email us: pedo-land@no-onecares.com or peeweeherman@inksad.net.

Please send this message on to as many people as you can! If you do not email more than 10 people with this message, frogs will plague you, Asian bird flu will infect you, tsunamis, hurricanes and earthquakes will assail you, terrorists will explode you, anti-terror squads will detain you and guards will electrocute your nipples.

Be alarmed, not alert!

And finally, In Memoriam of the Old Q&A, recently deceased. Requiescat In Pace. We miss you:

Welcome to the new, "revamped" Builder's Arms. We are now known to the world as a rather fancy wine bar, quite indeed and have, as such, rebranded ourselves as "Secretia's Secret."

Secretia's Secret! The finest, most exclusive wine establishment in the country of Oe-stray-lia! Do drop in! It will be Rather Dashing!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Zing!

Cel: Walk around in a fedora hat? Wait, I have a fedora hat! I have two of those!
Me: PAEDO! DOUBLE PAEDO!
Cel: The true sign of a paedo? Reading Harry Potter fan-fiction while playing a broken accordion.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Culture-Specific Syndromes

Just when the idea of being awake at 5:30am studying for an exam in four hours became truly unbearable, a classic quote emerges from my Psychiatry textbook:
"Frottage is where men rub themselves against women, becoming sexually excited possibly to orgasm. These men are the scourge of mass transit systems during rush hours."
-Foundations of Clinical Psychiatry, Bloch & Singh, 2nd Ed.