Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Tales from the Depths of Union House

Gay man: Look, I just don't find pre-operative female to male transsexuals appealling!
Transgendered person: That's transphobic!
Another gay man: Does that mean that he's also oppressing women by not wanting to sleep with them?
Sheila Jeffries: Of course, you testosterone-filled sack of human excrement! I'm going to write a book about how much I hate you all. Ph34r my l33t f3m1n157 w4yz.
Computer geek: Pwn'd! j00 f41L @ l1f3.
Science geek: Is it time to play D'n'D yet? I brought my Duergar Mage Robe just in case! I bags playing my Level 12 Lawful Evil Dwarven Cleric-Mage with -6 Charisma and a wart named "Betty" which has the ability to Turn Infected an additional 3 times per day. Oh, and we HAVE to play 3.5 rules this time!

(Let it be known across the land that such a conversation did indeed occur. We are all quivering in our boots.)

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Gossip! (A Tragi-Comedy)

So, this chick, she was dating this guy. And then she cheated on him with her Quality Assurance Manager. 'Cept of course then she found out she was pregnant. Then she realised that the manager wouldn't stick with her, so she married the first guy. He has no idea of this all. So then she says the following classic line to Priscilla:
"I wish I was single like you"
... wait. This isn't funny at all! This is just tragic! This is like those "Horrible Truth about Charissa" posts, except with less intrinsic value!

I need a life.

Monday, September 12, 2005

ROFLing in our seats. A true story.

Roflov, the reckless Russian is one of the many associates, comrades if you will, of Roflstain, the dirty German (no relation to Roflstalin of course). They are followers of the politics of the great Roflmao, who flies around the world in his Roflcopter, spreading his ideology. The Roflcopter is powered by the insanely powerful Infinite Monkey Typewriter Rofl Engine, which as you might imagine is a perpetual motion machine powered by infinite numbers of monkeys with typewriters both rolling on the floor laughing while typing "ROFL" an infinite number of times. However, unbeknownst to Roflmao, the Infinite Monkey Typewriter Rofl Engine has a subtle flaw- it is better compared to a nuclear explosion than a controlled nuclear reaction. One of those explosions that slowly starts to go out of control... till the entire world explodes in a wave of laughter. A world-killer explosion of SIDE-SPLITTING PAIN AND SUFFERING!

Pain and suffering has never been funnier... or perhaps laughter has never been so painful and sufferingful...

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Dancing Robot

It's having so much FUN!

Monday, September 05, 2005

Surfin' the Information Highway

While discussing matters of personal hygiene and information technology with The Dark Prince (and how achieving such aims cannot be pursued simultaneously), the concept of the world's first rugged outdoors laptop came about, back-of-napkin-during-drinks-with-physicists-or-engineers-style. Here are some model numbers which I feel are relevant:

XXTreme: The world's first waterproof shock-proof wireless enabled laptop. Designed for rugged outdoorsy types, usually with stubble and bleach-blond hair, possibly with a mountain bike, a surfboard, portable bungy-jumping apparatus and a shitload of pot. Comes with free GPS and an onboard first aid kit.

XXXTreme: In the vein of BMX XXX, this laptop features extra sex appeal and comes in a variety of sexy streamlined ergonomic designs. Comes with USB vibrator device and with optional wipe-down plastic cover.

XXXXTreme: A special model for the Quoinslend bloke who demands more from his laptop. Comes with free onboard hacksaw, 100 different drill bits, sander and jigsaw attachment; 7 different drinks holders with various slogans imprinted; homing missile device for destroying coffee and interior decoration at a distance; GPS system with "nearest jellyfish/crocodile/shark/hot chick" feature activated. Note: This model does not come out in the colours pink, purple, rainbow, paisley or spangly.

XTreme: Turner's Syndrome.

eXTreme: A model dedicated to sufferers of the ill effects of using the XXXXTreme rather than the XXXTreme to pick up chicks. Comes with free anti-depressants, booze and Valium.

SSTreme: Special model for ESL students with fascist or neo-Nazi tendencies. Comes with your choice of authoritarian paraphenalia and case logo detail. Note: This model has been withdrawn in Germany and Austria pending legal action.

MONOTreme: What do you get when you mate kissing-sluttiness-related viral illnesses with platypi? A model with hybrid appeal! Comes with free Zovirax, and an evolutionary biology diagram! Note: USB PCR device included for an extra $50,000/= (excl. GST). Primers not included.

You know what? I think we'll make a mint!


Saturday, September 03, 2005

The Worst Thing Just Happened To Me The Other Day

So there I am, sitting in my underwear in front of my computer, with the blinds up, in my room which faces the __________ Hospital Emergency Department, and happens to be on the ground floor. And so this random guy wearing a hat walks past, looking in, and before I can do anything, he does a double take, walks back and actually looks in. Then I hurriedly pull the blinds.

You know the weirdest thing? I think he was wearing a fedora!

I really should've seen that coming.