Monday, August 22, 2005

Born in the Republic of Ireland...

So, not long ago, Fog Monster and I were driving back to Melbourne from the town of Colac via a small hamlet known as Birregurra. Suddenly the words of the timeless classic "Ireland" by Tori Amos struck us as particularly appropriate:
"Driving in my Saab, on my way to Birregurra (Ireland)
It's been a long time, it's been a long time
Driving with my friends, on my way to Birregurra (Ireland)
It's been a long time, it's been a long time"
Its resemblance to the style of The Corrs came to my attention then, almost as a blinding flash- why didn't we sponsor the production of a Corrs cover of "Ireland"?

After borrowing a substantial sum from Fog Monster, I set about my dream. The Corrs, unsurprisingly, acceded to my demands almost immediately. "Ireland" soon became a number one hit all around the world, as no-one can resist hot Irish babes (and one not particularly hot Irish guy) crooning lyrics about small Swedish cars and their home country. When interviewed on Jools Holland, Rove and other silly TV interview shows that feature a loud, obnoxious host while the musicians sort of stand back, mortified, audiences were treated to a beaming The Corrs, a delighted me, and a glowering Fog Monster in the background.
"So, what inspired you and Snipergirl to make the brilliant leap from Tori Amos to the Corrs?"
"You know, Jools Holland, I still haven't gotten my money back. I have a message for the world: STOP TREATING ME LIKE A BANK."
Not long after this of course were the Irish national elections. The Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, in the style of the use of "Born in the USA" for the Ronald Reagan re-election campaign, decided to use the Corrs version of "Ireland" for the campaign to return his party, Fianna Fáil, to power. Many a TV advertisement in Ireland featured fresh-faced patriotic Irish kids hailing their tri-coloured flag to the now patriotic hymn.

Fianna Fáil was returned to power by a landslide victory.

And there was much rejoicing. Soon an interest in this historic song, this folksong of divine simplicity devoted to the love of one's homeland, the Irish Isle, overwhelmed the nation. Documentaries were made en masse. And Birregurra, the little town that could, full of real Aussie battlers who fought the good fight and birthplace of what was now almost considered the true Irish National Anthem, became a major tourist destination.

Irish patriots flooded the valley and set up Irish pubs, an Olde Irishe Village, small shops that sold those strange little traditional uniforms, a Gaelic institute, a National University of Ireland, Birregurra campus and a Royal Gaelic Hospital to service the new migrants. The population of Birregurra skyrocketed, and a special customs point and airport with daily flights to Dublin was opened. After some minimal fuss from the Australian Federal Government, who local Australian residents felt "didn't really care", Birregurra became the first and only locale in Australia to secede and become Irish territory, the Free Irish State of Birregurra.

9 comments:

Aubrey said...

I'm a dacint boy, just landed from the town of Ballyfad;
I want a situation: yis, I want it mighty bad.
I saw a place advartised. It's the thing for me, says I;
But the dirty spalpeen ended with: No Irish need apply.
Whoo! says I; but that's an insult -- though to get the place I'll try.
So, I wint to see the blaggar with: No Irish need apply.

I started off to find the house, I got it mighty soon;
There I found the ould chap saited: he was reading the TRIBUNE.
I tould him what I came for, whin he in a rage did fly:
No! says he, you are a Paddy, and no Irish need apply!
Thin I felt my dandher rising, and I'd like to black his eye--
To tell an Irish Gintleman: No Irish need apply!

I couldn't stand it longer: so, a hoult of him I took,
And I gave him such a welting as he'd get at Donnybrook.
He hollered: Millia murther! and to get away did try,
And swore he'd never write again: No Irish need apply.
He made a big apology; I bid him thin good-bye,
Saying: Whin next you want a bating, add: No Irish need apply!

Sure, I've heard that in America it always is the plan
That an Irishman is just as good as any other man;
A home and hospitality they never will deny
The stranger here, or ever say: No Irish need apply.
But some black sheep are in the flock: a dirty lot, say I;
A dacint man will never write: No Irish need apply!

Sure, Paddy's heart is in his hand, as all the world does know,
His praties and his whiskey he will share with friend or foe;
His door is always open to the stranger passing by;
He never thinks of saying: None but Irish may apply.
And, in Columbia's history, his name is ranking high;
Thin, the Divil take the knaves that write: No Irish need apply!

Ould Ireland on the battle-field a lasting fame has made;
We all have heard of Meagher's men, and Corcoran's brigade.*
Though fools may flout and bigots rave, and fanatics may cry,
Yet when they want good fighting-men, the Irish may apply,
And when for freedom and the right they raise the battle-cry,
Then the Rebel ranks begin to think: No Irish need apply

thread said...

Birregurra! :D

ok, I'm done.

Snipergirl said...

Have you noticed how there are all these pretty names on the coast:

Queenscliff, Port Fairy, Whittlesea, Anglesea, Portarlington

and then:

COLAC

and

GEELONG

David said...

Hey! Back off Bitch. Geelong is indigenous. so you can take holac (hehehhe) and shove it up your hole.

Snipergirl said...

Hey, I never said there weren't any pretty indigenous names out there... just not Geelong :-Þ!

viridiancircle said...

What about 'Moonee Ponds'? ISounds like people baring their arses in a mucky body of water. And 'Balaclava' - did they just run out of names?

Colac sounds like colic. What a fun place to be.

Snipergirl said...

Aircraft!

Gee, long!

Anonymous said...

I quite like Yarck.

And Yea, which I used to think was said 'YEEE-ah!'

Snipergirl said...

Yarrawonga MATE. As Miranda always said.