Monday, August 22, 2005

Born in the Republic of Ireland...

So, not long ago, Fog Monster and I were driving back to Melbourne from the town of Colac via a small hamlet known as Birregurra. Suddenly the words of the timeless classic "Ireland" by Tori Amos struck us as particularly appropriate:
"Driving in my Saab, on my way to Birregurra (Ireland)
It's been a long time, it's been a long time
Driving with my friends, on my way to Birregurra (Ireland)
It's been a long time, it's been a long time"
Its resemblance to the style of The Corrs came to my attention then, almost as a blinding flash- why didn't we sponsor the production of a Corrs cover of "Ireland"?

After borrowing a substantial sum from Fog Monster, I set about my dream. The Corrs, unsurprisingly, acceded to my demands almost immediately. "Ireland" soon became a number one hit all around the world, as no-one can resist hot Irish babes (and one not particularly hot Irish guy) crooning lyrics about small Swedish cars and their home country. When interviewed on Jools Holland, Rove and other silly TV interview shows that feature a loud, obnoxious host while the musicians sort of stand back, mortified, audiences were treated to a beaming The Corrs, a delighted me, and a glowering Fog Monster in the background.
"So, what inspired you and Snipergirl to make the brilliant leap from Tori Amos to the Corrs?"
"You know, Jools Holland, I still haven't gotten my money back. I have a message for the world: STOP TREATING ME LIKE A BANK."
Not long after this of course were the Irish national elections. The Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, in the style of the use of "Born in the USA" for the Ronald Reagan re-election campaign, decided to use the Corrs version of "Ireland" for the campaign to return his party, Fianna Fáil, to power. Many a TV advertisement in Ireland featured fresh-faced patriotic Irish kids hailing their tri-coloured flag to the now patriotic hymn.

Fianna Fáil was returned to power by a landslide victory.

And there was much rejoicing. Soon an interest in this historic song, this folksong of divine simplicity devoted to the love of one's homeland, the Irish Isle, overwhelmed the nation. Documentaries were made en masse. And Birregurra, the little town that could, full of real Aussie battlers who fought the good fight and birthplace of what was now almost considered the true Irish National Anthem, became a major tourist destination.

Irish patriots flooded the valley and set up Irish pubs, an Olde Irishe Village, small shops that sold those strange little traditional uniforms, a Gaelic institute, a National University of Ireland, Birregurra campus and a Royal Gaelic Hospital to service the new migrants. The population of Birregurra skyrocketed, and a special customs point and airport with daily flights to Dublin was opened. After some minimal fuss from the Australian Federal Government, who local Australian residents felt "didn't really care", Birregurra became the first and only locale in Australia to secede and become Irish territory, the Free Irish State of Birregurra.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Adventures in the Amazon

Upon discussion with the ever-present Kermit the Frog, the following scenario presented itself deep within the Amazon rainforest:
  • We are walking through one of the trails in the Amazon rainforest late at night
  • Suddenly a wombat materialises
  • I trip over the wombat and fall
  • The wombat dies
  • I hit my head and also die
  • Tarantulas and giant ants eat everyone
  • Hilarity ensues
This is not dissimilar to another supposed possibility in St Petersburg:
  • A famous military figure is riding his horse through St Petersburg
  • The horse rears up on one leg in a symbolic fashion (representing death during horseriding)
  • The militay figure falls off the horse as a result
  • The horse falls on top of the rider
  • The rider dies
  • A bus appears and runs over both of them
  • The horse dies
  • Hilarity ensues
Death on holiday has never been so hilarious!

13 Months!

So, happy 13 month anniversary as of the day before yesterday I guess, people!

More than a year!

Booyah!

Saturday, August 13, 2005

By Popular Request...

And now, dear readers, a post which is sorely overdue. The account of a night two months ago...

THE NIGHT OF WHEN WE HUNG OUT WITH BIG GIRL, PREDATOR, PIGEON-RAT AND THEIR CAT AT THEIR HOUSE!

So, there we were, we being of course me, Big Girl, Predator, Pigeon-Rat, Pet0r and Kitten's Boyfriend, and the cat Se7en. After some thai and vodkas, of course the conversation got a little feisty. Turns out that there was this one time that Big Girl unknowingly put her finger up her pussy (7). Predator no like. Things of course took a turn for the more extreme.
The truth is, as many of us have suspected, that a sneeze is truly a thousanth of an orgasm. Pet0r, when sneezing, a delightful pleasure, always falls down while engaging in this activity, and thus the term fallgasm originated:
(n.) an orgasm sustained while falling (Olde Englishe).
The other truth is, as the CommuNazi suspected, far more bizarre than rumour. For Big Girl and Predator, were experiencing "marital difficulties". Thus they decided to have a threesome with TV's most famous lesbian entertainer Ellen. Then Predator and Ellen merged to form an entity known as MichEllEn. Unfortunately, Ellen fell in love with Big Girl, demerged with Predator and then proclaimed her love in the following sentence:
"YOU BITCH!"
And then she ran away back to TV land and then went out with Portia de Rossi. They are not reported to have any more threesomes as PorshcEllen.
Later it turned out that Big Girl was really really really sexy, and liked to stroke her angina, which is like a vagina in your chest, while her pussy looked on, jealous (VII). This resulted in her having dyslexia.

POSTSCRIPT: REVENGE OF THE COCKRINGS

Today I met up with Pigeon-Rat and Predator at the Victoria Markets. As we proceeded back to
....this broadcast is being taken over by the Predator...wahahaha....I would you you all to know the truth, dear readers, that the sweet and innocent Snipergirl that you all know is really an evil sexual predator who propositions sweet shop keepers by walking into sex shops and requesting a "glass of water". Once she has this "glass of water", and lets face it, we all know what that is a euphamism for....she proceeds to make a date with him so she may go and perform kinky acts with him the following weekend with the objects in his store. She was heard to shriek "oh my god..what is this for", quite often and will, I imagine, be expecting a demonstration next week.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Lotsa updatesa soona!

I'm going to try and update over the next few days... there's a fair bit to actually put in. Yay!