Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Poor Taste and Progeny

I am frankly disgusted. The depths to which the people of this country descend to in raising the children of this nation disappoints me. I have discovered what I believe to be a new category of child abuse, that of "cultural abuse". This is when you expose your kids to unfortunate influences and thereby stunt their cultural, emotional, intellectual and verbal development. I believe this is a commonplace practice, and one that may not draw out the outrage that it deserves, but hopefully over time will be up there with physical and emotional abuse. Here I present to you a typical case study:
Exhibit A is a 23 year old intelligent female who is studying medicine, presenting with perceived memory loss and vague feelings of "vagueness". She cannot remember any more of the history of presenting complaint. Upon further questioning it is discovered that her male parental unit played "Meatloaf" and similar artists during her gestation and early childhood development. In fact this resulted in feelings of inadequacy regarding her father's questionable taste and a selective memory impairment of significant periods in the 80's, with particular loss in terms of cultural phenomena.

A conscious state examination revealed that she was unable to name three of Madonna's number one singles, the date on which the 80s began, copy a complicated looking diagram with "AB" and its reverse written next to each other, or even repeat the phrase "Guns 'n Roses are totally radical and awesome dude". This appeared to be a result of a hysterical state induced by the extensive cultural abuse sustained as a child, as she often winced during questioning and flat out refused to answer.

During the physical examination, Exhibit A became extremely agitated, shouting epithets such as "Stop touching me!" and "I'm calling my lawyer you pervert!" and "I'm not your bloody long case, go bother some old woman with Alzheimers on 5 North!". This correlates well with the level of cultural trauma induced; clearly trust and intimacy issues have arisen from the decades-old abuse.

In conclusion, Exhibit A, a 23 year old medical student is an otherwise intelligent medical student who has suffered clear signes of cultural abuse as a child and has signs of what appear to be memory loss of hysterical nature and severe emotional disturbance resulting in an inability to feel her up, I mean, conduct a full neurological examination. Fundi were normal. It is reasonable to assume that this cultural abuse resulted in her merely achieving a place at the most prestigious medical school rather than becoming a child prodigy who cured cancer at the age of 11.

Her ongoing issues include her memory loss, her emotional disturbance and her lawyer's fees after she finishes attempting to sue the crap out of me and failing. My management would include 15 MRI scans, those whiny self-help tapes with Earth Mothers talking in the and Enya playing in the background, a full blood examination, urea and electrolytes and several Betamax tapes from the 80s so that she can relive the memories that she has lost. And a repeat fundoscopy every 3 months until she dies.

Thankyou and goodnight.
I am appalled that this sort of abuse would occur in Australia. However after the release of my new self-help tape in 12 parts for $459.99/= each called "Cultural Abuse: Healing the Beyond" I feel that this ridiculous problem shall be brought to the wider attention of our community! Life will never be the same! 11 year olds will cure cancer!

The future will be ours, my children!

14 comments:

Pet Redhead said...

Exhibit A has discovered that Enya played backwards on the electric cello underwater is strangely akin to early day Kylie tunes (the lesser known "Lucky Locomotive"). This is why it sounds so terrible. Should've worked it out years ago....

You forgot medications (needlessly expensive yet atmospheric alcohol prn)and allergies (needlessly expensive yet atmospheric alcohol post-prn). Deary, deary me.

Anonymous said...

Cries. OMG!!!! Poor med student. Put her down.

vandal said...

oh help me i have this! though it was my brother playing the music not father... heehee...

Snipergirl said...

How could I forget the expensive bottles of fine wine! Oh no, it's actually Korsakoff's Psychosis! My long case is a failure! Maybe I have Korsakoff's Psychosis!

Exhibit A has clearly discovered an evil conspiracy of 80s culture... one which may threaten to blow apart the entire worldview of those known as "Generation X" or possibly "unmotivated wanker yuppies with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome". In fact this is as big a contribution to science as the cure for cancer. Perhaps my earlier clinical impression was indeed false. Cortical plasticity is indeed a feature of neurological disease in young people...

And it seems that there is now an Exhibit B. Perhaps I shall soon have an entire paper to publish in Psychological Review C! I will be famous!

We're ALL going to DIE!

vandal said...

if im reading your implication right and i am now exibit b, what is invoved in this examination before i agree? and i better get a cut in your fame!

The Saxman said...

Indeed.

Snipergirl said...

Vandal: I'll have to take a full history of your memory loss, followed by a test where I ask you seemingly stupid and easy questions and tasks for you to complete. And then I move your legs and arms around, make you move them yourself, hit you with a hammer in strategic locations, touch you with bits of cotton wool and a tuning fork and poke you repeteadly with a sharp pin. Oh, and put eyedrops in your eyes and look into them with a bright light. Cut in my fame? Why, you'll be the famous "Exhibit B"!

Rather.

David said...

you still can't spell.

in other news, I might be going to SA to work for a bit.

Viridiancircle said...

Hammers for the interrogation, excuse me, examination, can be collected from our nearest outlet during business hours. My company has a largesupply of such implements. Weaponry and medical devices are our speciality.

vandal said...

hammers and pointy things! im in!

David said...

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Snipergirl said...

Viridiancircle, I had no idea you ran Lucretia de Sade's! Vandal, I had no idea you were his *ahem* "regular customer"! David, you are a spoilsport of the worst variety. Maybe some bondage would loosen you up, ironically enough ;-).

David said...

heh, sorry sweetie, that just won't work.

viridiancircle said...

Snipergirl, your knowledge of such facets in humane society astounds me. I congratulate your thorough research methodology and offer you a miniature hammer pinion as a token of my admiration. Be warned, however, that holding it too close to open flames may cause spontaneous combustion. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*I didn't want to be evil, the leprechaun made me do it*