Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The Cycle of Sucking

"Pride sucks balls
Balls suck Liz
Liz sucks Seb's Abortion Views
Seb's Abortion Views suck foetus"

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Why There Will Never Be The "Viagra Dildo"

People just don't like to be reminded that they're being screwed by a drug company.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Questions of the week

"Do you think a dildo could fit in a baby's mouth?"
"Would you be psychologically scarred if you had an orgasm while breastfeeding?"
"Would you have sex with a dog... if it was a hot dog... with a big sausage?"
This has been brought to you courtesy of Roberto, Seokie and I. Crazy bastards.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Honey, I think the SUVs have reproduced...!

So, there we are, The Evil One, Seokie and I, going over to a certain Horshamite doctor's house to obtain his dog in order to take it for a walk. We check out the house and the side garden; no dog can be found.
"I guess he's not home, even though his car's in the driveway," Seokie noted. The car was actually a large silver SUV.
We decided to return later. As we walked into the hospital again, we noticed a silver SUV pull up and park. A nurse got out of it.
"Oh, I thought that was Dr K's car!"
"Yeah me too!"
"So did I..."
We looked at each other and laughed; what a coincidence. Later that day we headed back to the house. Yet another silver SUV was parked just in front of the house. Then another one drove by; this was just starting to get a little creepy. Seokie mentioned that this reminded her of a cartoon where the shopping trolleys kept multiplying every time people looked away. And sure enough, whenever we weren't paying attention, yet another silver SUV would drive past, or park or happen to pop into existence. As I recall we counted in excess of 8 or so. Creepy.

Somewhere out there, there is a very happy couple of silver SUVs parked on top of each other.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Creatures of the Night!

The Doorman: Vampire lesbians are the worst kind of lesbians! Just imagine them, munching on each other during their time of the month!
Me: Are you sure that's not werewolves?

I'm never, ever doing gynaecology.

Monday, April 18, 2005


And this is why I will never live in Mt Waverley. So we get on this train to the city, and these random idiots get on. Their conversation goes a bit like this:
"Heh heh heh. Fuck. Andrew is a faggot, Andrew is a faggot."
"Shut UP!"
"Andrew is a faggot, he takes it up the arse."
"Yeah, whatever"
"Hey, Andrew, that girl is so fucking hot, I wanna see her tits. Go talk to
"Why don't you talk to her, fucker?"
"I can't be fucking bothered. You're such a fag, Alex is doing you up the
"He so is not!"
"You're always at his place, you're so his boyfriend!"
"Hey, the last time I was at his house I was there for 5 minutes just to
pick up my $20."
"I thought it was $50 you lying cunt."

And there I am, sitting with my relatives from Sri Lanka. Including my 9 year old cousin.

Introduction to Melbourne: 101. The way people actually act and talk.


Sunday, April 17, 2005

Maths Chicks: A Dissertation

"So this one time, at maths camp, I stuck a fraction up my pussy! But I only got it in halfway and then it almost split me in half and then I did it multiple times. Then I felt whole"

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Theatrical Operations

So, there I was, sitting at our residence in Horsham, just chilling out after hours. I'm watching TV, waiting for the oven to be heated so as I can chuck the Tandoori chicken in the oven. The phone rings- it's the surgical nurse on the phone, apparently the surgeon wants to show us something in the operating theatre. No-one else from our group is around, so I quickly put the chicken in the now heated oven, set my alarm for when I need to head back after the operation to turn the chicken over, and I leave for theatre.

It's a cholecystectomy (removal of the gallbladder), in case you were wondering. The surgeon is halfway through the operation. He carefully dissects out the gallbladder, cutting away the surrounding fat and vessels, easing it away from the liver. Finally it comes out, red, swollen, infected. My watch starts beeping. Dammit.

So I ask one of the nurses whether there's a phone in here. I'm crossing my fingers, hoping my other med groupmates have returned home. I pick up the receiver and dial. The wrong number. I dial again...
"Hey, this is Thilini"
"Hello?" It's Nicole, one of the nursing students staying at our place
"Hey, I really need a favour... I've left something in the oven and I'm in theatre..."
So there I am, in the middle of operating theatre explaining cooking directions over the phone to this girl. Invariably the others start laughing. Especially as I have to explain these instructions about 3 or 4 times:
"No, you have to take it out now, turn over the pieces, brush them with oil, then put it back in for another 20-30 minutes!"
"Ok, I finally got it! Hey, she says do this..."
While they are finishing up an operation. To remove a gallbladder.

I was mighty hungry by the time I got home to eat.

Oh, the irony.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Friends Online!

And thus it came to be that I went out in Sydney to hang out with the gays of Newtown of a Wednesday night with a couple of people, including Ez. We ended up, after a few beers at the Zanzi Bar, where we spied a few people who we had seen at The Bank. In my rather inebriated and therefore overly chummy state, I decided that it would be a good idea to talk to these three individuals, as Ez appeared to know one of them. She however, was rather unwilling to do the same, which all things considered could have been a better decision to have made.

So I introduce myself and sit down. There was Ez's Internet Friend, a girl I can only dub ADHD Girl, and N-A- (whose profile I realised later that I had seen online). These three had all met each other on the infamous GaydarGirls site. It soon became apparent that Internet Friend and ADHD Girl had some kind of weird fuckbuddy-esque relationship, and that N-A- was in fact taking oestrogen (which she sort of did then and there). I was talking to ADHD Girl who sort of seemed possibly attractive before I talked to her, but soon after starts to appear rather hyperactive and odd. Then I ask her about what she's studying:

Me: So what are you studying? [Thinks: She seems possibly cute]
ADHD Girl: I'm studying homeopathy
Me: Oh, that sounds interesting... [Thinks: Ok maybe I'd only make out with her for fun...]
ADHD Girl: So what are you studying?
Me: Medicine
ADHD Girl: Oh, that's sort of like... *long-winded explanation in weird homeopathic jargon which basically seems to relegate medicine to some sort of odd and inferior position*
Me: Uhhh, yeah ok. [Thinks: ... If I was desperate]

Later as I recall I made a comment about doubting that I was going to pick up in Sydney. ADHD Girl puts her arm around me and smiles. I ask whether that's an offer. Internet Friend glares at me. Then those two start to make out. I look over at N-A- who comments that it's "so cute". I comment that they look like they're about 18, and about as intelligent. They retort that they're actually 20. They keep making out intermittently. I back away slowly.

Three drinks later, while talking to some randomly interesting straight people, ADHD Girl comes up and asks me whether I'm interested in N-A-. This completely knocks me out of leftfield. I say I'm flattered, but no. Then I shake my head in complete incomprehension of just how random this night has been.

Then I drink some more.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Addendum, of a Sort.

And for those who are, shall we say, derisively snorting at the comments that follow the previous post, I have a selection of quite fine non-alphebetic additions to the English language that I would like to share with you.

*** <--- This is Roberto. He's just a baby.
... <--- This is the ironically named Patience. People often use her, and she feels quite abused as a result. She feels molested when people kiss her.
&$%&$%&$% <--- This one is quite decadent. The Decadent One would not be averse to being kissed goodnight and tucked into bed. So to speak.
&%&%&% <--- This is The Gaudy One. It's quite cool, but rather Indian.

If you find my odd use of ASCII to be offensive, just think, things could be much worse! I could be Mussolini's crazy granddaughter. Or that nutcase Pim Fortuyn!

What would you all do if I was Jacques Chirac?


(Whoever is responsible for this conversation, you know exactly who you are.)

Thursday, April 07, 2005

The Gay Republic of Fiji, part two

And in a coincidental and repulsive twist of fate, dear brothers, sisters and otherwise-gendered siblings...

We have cause to begin our invasion! It seems that the decidedly Non-Gay Republic of the Fiji Islands has decided to wreak revenge on us non-heteronormative ones for our comrade George Speight's failed coup. It seems that an Australian man, and the Fijian man he slept with have pleaded guilty to homosexual acts, and face a sentence of up to 14 years in prison. We must avenge our brothers and rise up in arms! With a Gay Republic of Fiji we can offer these poor men asylum within our borders!

Viva la revoluciĆ³n!


It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife. It's like meeting the man of your dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife.

And fucking her.