Monday, November 29, 2004

The horrible truth about Charissa, Part Three

After trying to adopt a bouncy child for some time, Charissa and Regine were rather disheartened. They just weren't having any luck. As Charissa was unable to conceive due to having "a uterus like a waterslide", finally Regine decided that she herself would have IVF and give birth to twins. However this was not the real surprise. For as it turned out, Regine was not only Charissa's super-secret lover, she was also... her twin sister! Finally there was an explanation for Regine's intimate knowledge of Charissa's past life; as Regine put it, "I've ridden that waterslide myself"...

And the cycle of incest continues...

Of a Thursday night...

So me and my gay friends were out a couple of weeks ago (yes it really has been that long since I have updated), predictably enough at a gay bar. Afterwards we headed to our local 24hr "Gay Maccas". Big Girl was there with her girlfriend the Predator, and they were kissing. So this total tool of a straight guy- he was short fat, balding and thought he was so cool- walked past and started going on in the following manner:
"Oh my god I just saw two girls kissing blah blah blah it's so attention seeking"
So I'm thinking, what the fuck is this asshole's deal? So I get up and say,
"Yeah, except for the fact that they're going out, wow, how attention seeking, you dickhead! Are you attention seeking when you make out with girls too?"
And he and his posse of violently pink girls (they were the dumbest bimbos ever) start going "Oooooh" and shouting stuff, and then Raunchy Librarian who by this stage is extra drunk as usual starts yelling stuff that is not exactly composed of relavent or effective insults back at them. God bless her soul. Then some random people from the bar we were just at were talking to us and were being "too kewl for schewl". We got up and left after a little while, and as we left I yelled at the straight guy:
"I hope you get laid sometime this decade, I'm sure it hasn't happened for awhile! And that goes for the rest of you too."
And we went outside and then he threw food at us. I went after him but the manager basically shut us out. Fantastic. Of course we all started cracking up... it was the funniest thing that had happened in weeks!

Some people are pricks.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

The horrible truth about Charissa, Part Two

Finally, after some complications from labour, Charissa was sick of giving birth to her family members and instead decided to adopt a daughter with her secret lover, Regine. The relationship was so secret that not even they knew! After much discussion of what they would do with the baby (bounce it, dress it up, change its diapers), and consultation of egg charts, they finally decided that they would raise the baby with Harvard. Harvard of course would do all the icky and feminine tasks... including breast-feeding! Then of course, the ever disdainful Fashionista would reluctantly join in with the child-rearing, because of his supposed Asian Girl Fetish (AGF). However, as it turns out, it's actually... a Bisexual Asian Fetish, which explains his trips to Thailand!!!

Remind me never to sit with these people at dinner again.

Friday, November 05, 2004

Happy Guy Fawkes Day!

I exhort all of you to blow up stuff. Now.

Damn Australia and the fact that fireworks are illegal here (except for Canberra)! Guy Fawkes Day is one of the many cool and fun things about being a New Zealander.


Baiting Jungle Animals

Yesterday, I was not in the mood for an argument. Let this post be a warning for all those who would seek to annoy me during exam period. So, Unshaven Tracksuit Chimpanzee (yes, his appearance in the SCR was a random influence for the genesis of this conversation) sat down with me and the Woodland Creatures at dinner. I could tell he was spoiling for an argument, especially one of those ones which was especially wanky, pedantic and annoying... fortunately the conversation turned to the time that Minty-Fresh, Young Grasshopper and other random people dared me to stay silent for 20 minutes- and to their surprise I succeeded. Unshaven Tracksuit Chimpanzee and the others were laughing at me, and suddenly inspiration struck.
"I bet you couldn't keep quiet for 20 minutes," I said to him.
"I refuse this dare," he replied, the pussy.
"That's because you can't actually do it," I retorted, and finally he consented to the dare. I started my stopwatch...
At 1:42 he gesticulated to ask how long it had been.
"Not long enough," I muttered, and told him what the time was.
At around 4:00 I decided it was time to bait him for fun. So I started chatting to Not-So-Sweet Caroline about the environment and economics- two topics that were guaranteed to set him off. You could see the pain reflected in his poor eyes; he was making such an effort to gesticulate and say "mmm" instead of actually talking. Especially because I took the stance that environmentalism was compatible with economic growth.
Then finally, at 6:25, he got up to clear his plate... and headed for the JCR, away from us all. At this point I knew that I had effectively won. And sure enough, when we went into the JCR, there he was, talking to a group of people.
"You appear to have lost the bet," I said.
There was naught he could do but agree.


Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Curious Caroline's Concubines!

Dear readers,
Have you ever found yourself lonely late at night? Has there been a conspicuous lack of gentleman callers to your residence? Then contact "Curious Caroline's Concubines", your first port of call at those times when you are in the mood for some rambunctious love-making. Not-So-Sweet Caroline, your lovely and discreet madam, will arrange a pleasurable masculine presence for your evenings. Either drop into our bordello, cunningly hidden in a secret alleyway for your confidentiality or we shall deliver a gentleman for your pleasure to your very household. Choose from our exotic selection of men, such as the swarthy Crazy Fijian and the mysterious North Pole Penguine. With our professional attitude, you can be sure your secret is safe with us!

Visit: Curious Caroline's Concubines!
333A, 1st Lane
Municipality of Ross
Sherwood Forest

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

New Design for the Site

I've been playing around with the format a bit over the last 2 days as you can probably tell.
Direct your comments and suggestions here.