Saturday, October 30, 2004

The Gay Republic of Fiji

Me and my gay friends have a plan... as we are persecuted all over the world, we are going to generate our own homeland, the Gay Republic of Fiji. The plan is: we'll all immigrate to Fiji until we actually outnumber the Fiji Islanders. Then we apply to the UN for country status, and use political connections to get our way. We'll then segregate all the Fiji Islanders to one tiny part of the island, and we'll build a huge fence to keep them away from us. Gay Fiji Islanders are allowed to stay in the Gay Republic of Fiji, however. All queer/gay people are automatically allowed to immigrate to the Gay Republic of Fiji. The only problem of course being the multiple special interest groups who will want to secede, such as the Bisexual Secessionists, the Lesbian Separatists, the Post-Structural Non-Heteronormative Butlerists and the Leather Men. However, deep down, it will always be our island paradise in the sun!

What fun!

Drunken Antics

So, as of Thursday and Friday nights' drinking, I have a few stories to share, which is usually what happens when I consume alcohol in large quantities. Firstly, me and Raunchy Librarian are going to open up a poetry helpline called "Poets' Corner" where your questions are answered by Raunchy Librarian quoting Adrienne Rich, Emily Dickinson and Sylvia Plath. "Piece by piece", etc. And as it turns out Big Girl is actually Olga the Russian porn voiceover star who has taken up a British accent for immigration purposes. She and I met in London, where we fell in love and had a hairy Russian baby called Alex. The father was the CommuNazi in his guise as Sergei. And on Friday night, another truth was revealed... If you're going to make out with someone with 3-day stubble, not only is it sexy, but you should also wear pants, or risk ending up with cuts all over your legs.

Enlightening stuff.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004


So, today, I have finally confronted my true feelings. I think I have a crush...

On the BMW Z3. Oh my god, what a HOT car. Let me just say that for a "secret" love of mine, this one is probably the one which has caused the most spontaneous orgasms to the general public. In fact I will go so far as to say that I do not know of a single other car model which has inspired in me the random, and must I say, long-lasting love that this car has inspired in me. (Oh, and lets not forget the cargasms... I think the Z3 far out-performs Thyroid Girl as far as orgasms are concerned.)

I don't know if it's the cute overall look; or those sexy ventilation bits near the engine; or perhaps the proportions that suggest that it's way more powerful than its small size would initially lead you to expect. Whatever it is, this is a sexy car.

I know it's an old car. I know that by the time I can afford one they'll probably all be out of commission. I know that small cars aren't all that practical in the long run and that I'll probably never know how to really handle a real sports car or know how to treat it the way it deserves. I know that you're all laughing at me for having a big crush on a car. But it could be worse. I could have a crush on a cabbage. Or on sushi. Wait a minute, I do have a crush on california rolls... I mean... errr... *cough*

In other news, The Master has stated that he would indeed have a threesome with a rhinoceros and a toaster, the proviso being that it has to be a sexy lady rhinoceros. Minty-Fresh, however, is requesting the hasty return of her pets and appliances. The Oracle stands by, bemused as ever.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Random Quotes

My mum is cool and shit I forget the word.
Don't discount the affection of a potato queen. God bless Amos!
I don't care who it is! It'd still be disgusting if you were a rhinoceros and a toaster!
Young Grasshopper:
A sleeping Dan is a happy Dan.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Gender Studies 101

So, today we have the o-week elections at college, and as usual they are the usual collection of rather humourous but highly wrong performances. The impressive degree to which the male population of International House will go to find new and creative ways in which to dress up as a girl is also... suspicious. One act in particular was rather intriguing as to its subtext. Let me deconstruct this act, gender studies style:

First, we have 4 guys and 1 girl in suits. They do a dance.
Nothing interesting here. Move along.

Next, they all rip off their costumes to reveal schoolgirl outfits.
Alright, so the boys have had a sex change.

The "girls" split into pairs (plus the real girl who's just on her own) and dance dodgily with each other.
They're transsexual lesbians who are into other transsexual lesbians?

Then one of the "girls" of each pair unwraps a banana, holds it in front of "her" groin, and the other one eats it.

Oh yeah, and the random girl is just there, looking happy for no apparent reason.
Fag Hags. Honestly, when will they ever learn.

Yeah, I'm not sure what to do except offer betting odds for The Master having a sex change by age 40. Hmmm...

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Super-Special Magical Powers!

Alright, I think I've got it. I know exactly why the lights in our apartment keep blowing. This story begins with a game called Arcanum and a political party called Family First.

According to this news story, certain Family First supporters believe that lesbians are witches and should be burnt at the stake. While the first time I read it I was frankly quite disturbed at the fact that there were people who had views like that who could potentially end up in government, the next thought which occurred to me was along the lines of "Cool! I have magical powers!"

However, you see, in the world of Arcanum, people fit along a continuum of magic users and science/technology users. Science/technology users don't tend to have anything supernatural happen around them and thus magic tends to fail around them. On the other hand, machinery and gadgets tend to malfunction around magic users to a higher than normal degree.

Which brings me to my final point. My computer's acting weirdly and lights have been blowing in our place since we moved in. And it's obviously one of the unfortunate side-effects of being supernaturally talented. But soon enough I'm sure I'll be able to cast some light spell or something and all will be well!

Just have to start working on those curses. I'm sure they'll come in handy when the next election comes around...

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Election Summary 2004

< RANT >

So, Little Johnny Howard's back in again. With the majority in Senate he's always needed to boot. What can I say, except that Australia as a country is screwed. We're going backwards here people. We're a country which is supposed to pride itself on its social welfare system and general sense of honesty, decency and "the fair go". We're supposed to be egalitarian and live by rule of law. Instead the general public decides to re-elect a lying scumbag who is for discrimination, dismantling the public health and education systems and has a love for sending our people to war and our standing in the international community to shit.

Why on earth people would re-elect him is beyond me. The Liberal party has had such a string of miserable scandals that in any other country their leader would have to step down out of pure embarrassment. In Australia, he just keeps lying, blames someone else and his leadership rating climbs. It's not even like you can call it a failure of democracy. It was a free and fair election in a democratic, first world country. It's a failure of culture. People just don't care. Or think. For them, an extra $6 a week is worth more than a good healthcare system. Low interest rates are worth more than educating their kids. And apparently it is possible to protect forests and logging jobs.

And lets not forget the bigotry. This is the country where an election was won on the basis of shutting out "dirty refugees". Gay marriage was banned here a few weeks ago because Labor decided to stop being an opposition party just long enough to let the legislation through. It would be somewhat understandable for a country to want to stay still because it's afraid of change, but what is unforgivable is for a country to go backwards. Being exactly like our Big Brother America is not a good thing. We are not a huge country of 300 million in the middle of North America. We're in the Asia-Pacific region, we have 20 million people and we are not going to benefit from free-trade agreements with huge agricultural economies.

One day I'm sure I'll laugh, when I sit in my huge office overlooking Lake Geneva. Until then, folks...

< /RANT >

Friday, October 08, 2004

Lygon Street is the new "Weirdo HQ"

So me, Camberwell, Pet0r and Ferrero were having dinner on Lygon Street in one of those outside tables. As we're waiting for our dinner, I see Mary Magdalene and Jesus out of the corner of my eye. I'm not particularly fond of this ex or her boyfriend so obviously I turn away slightly and ignore them. They finish walking past and I say to my friends "thank god the people I'm ignoring have finished walking past" and they're like "who were those 2 people staring at us?" and I tell them who they were, and we just crack up. So we talk for a bit about how weird that behaviour was, and then me and Pet0r look over our shoulders at them, and they are totally staring at us from halfway down the road.

Some people obviously have nothing better to do with their time, huh?

Saturday, October 02, 2004

It's all going to end in tears!

Thus spake The Oracle, several weeks ago. And a couple of Thursdays ago, the prophecy of The Oracle came to pass indeed. Let me illustrate via several examples:

1) Raunchy Librarian and the Glorified Ferret
The Glorified Ferret ignored Raunchy Librarian all night, asked her repeatedly why she wasn't sleeping with other people, and then when she got annoyed, claimed that she was "too heteronormative" for him. Needless to say, she was rather upset. Later, on the phone to her, he cried too because he "felt bad about coming across as being patronising".

2) Big Girl and Lambchop
Big Girl and Lambchop were making out, when Small Girl poured beer all over them for no apparent reason. Lambchop assumed that Big Girl and Small Girl were going out, and even when Big Girl emphatically denied it, she decided she'd changed her mind about the whole affair and went home without saying goodbye. Needless to say, Big Girl was also upset.

3) Simone and Balls
Despite the fact that Simone and Balls were supposed to have had a date one night, Oven's Kate kept rather inconveniently being around. This was also the case on Thursday night. However I don't think anyone cried, which makes this a rather pathetic example.

4) 2 Unnamed People
Apparently a certain couple that no-one knows about split up. No-one knows about that either. Apparently it also ended in tears, but given that no-one knows, no-one appears to care.

Damn couples.

Win a trip to WARHAMMER WORLD in the UK!

So, as it turns out, when you buy "Dawn of War", you receive an entry form to win a trip to Warhammer World in Nottingham. Aetherfox asked me whether I'd like the entry form as he won't even be around to go if he won...

Warhammer World? That's all I have to say! I can just imagine what it'd be like...

"Ride in your very own Dreadnought!!
Fight in your very own Eldar squad!!
Feed the Squiggoth!!
(Contrary to popular belief, the Squiggoth is a gentle creature, who enjoys grazing in many meadows in the known universe. It can be found in limited numbers on several starsystems near Tartarus. Current status: Endangered)
Water slides!!"

Alright, so I actually did look up the website to see what Warhammer World is actually like in reality.

It looks like the dining hall of Ormond College.