Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Doctors' Waiting Rooms

Me: Look, I can understand them having current issues of Woman's Weekly, but why do they have to keep these issues from, like, 1997 and 1985?
Thaththa: Those were vintage years in women's magazines.

My parents rock.

The Inadequacy of Language

Over the past year, it has come to my attention that there are quite a few concepts for which the English language fails miserably. Unsurprisingly, many of these terms are related to love and similar disasters; as we all know, the English are hardly the most passionate species. So here are some new terms which I have found myself using in an attempt to patch up these glaring holes in the vocabulary.

Ass-crack Girls:
Those girls who wear hipsters a little too low on their hips so that their ass-crack shows despite wearing a huge studded belt. Often associated with Spare Tyres.

Spare Tyre:
Bulging abdominal fat that spills out between the top of someone's jeans and the bottom of their top.

Backup Crush:
They're your friend but you flirt like mad. You know you have a bit of a crush on them but you probably don't want to date them. You might make out occasionally but you're not fuck buddies. When times are bad with your love life you often turn to them to make you feel better and more attractive.

Non-Terrible:
It's not fantastic, mediocre isn't quite the world, but what it certainly isn't is terrible. And that's the important thing. The fact that it isn't terrible.

Love Interest:
The primary person who you are pursuing and are quite likely to have success with in the future. However, it's not a done deal, just very promising. Refer: romantic lead.

Su:
We are not sure what this word is or even what it means but it seems to be usually used in the context of "screw you" or "shut up" or some other combination which can be reduced to the acronym SU.

Pink Girl:
An excessively feminine girl, especially one who wears pink and follows the latest teenage fashions.

Red Woman:
One of those larger-than-life, theatrical and flamboyant women. Often wears classic, elegant designs and is associated somehow with gay people. Examples: The Extra Redundant Woman from the Glasshouse.

Conversion:
The act of scoring with someone who usually attracted to the gender you are not from. Usually used to refer to a homosexual pick up rather than a heterosexual one.

Involvement:
Someone who is definitely in the "relationship" category (as opposed to "casual" or "sex") but who isn't yet a boyfriend or girlfriend. Often used derisively esp. as in "ex-involvement".

Plus Plus:
This is added to the end of a word or phrase to emphasise or exaggerate its meaning, often sarcastically.

Slut Music:
That genre of electroclash or dance music which features suggestive female vocals over minimalist background. Examples include: Peaches, Basement Jaxx - Get me off, Death in Vegas - Hands around my throat. Often played at Alia or similar venues with a predominantly lesbian clientele.

Gay Maccas:
The 24 hour McDonalds on the corner of Victoria Parade and Smith Street. A compulsory stop after going out on a Thursday night.

Well that's all for now.
~enjoy :-)

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

"Original" is another word for "special"

I am not usually a cruel person. However Gen sent me the link to a certain site containing some "Original Poems" by a young lady known as Elizabeth Atkins. Let me cut to the chase; this poetry is simply terrible. The kind of terrible where at first you think it's a parody site. Then you realise that it's for real...

Firstly there is the poetess's strange identification with objects, such as sand, oak trees, and... silverware. Yes, silverware. Then there is the obligatory teenage angst. Combined with the silverware. And in case you had no idea what sand, oak trees or silverware are, there are pictures of these items inserted ad hoc into the poetry. I think she might have been trying for some sort of "multimedia" effect.

Then of course, on the same site are the "Poems Inspired by Edgar Allan Poe". For some reason there is a picture of the guy from Smallville in one of the poems. I'm not sure what the Superman guy is doing in Poe but it doesn't look well advised.
As Gen said to me:
"Are they the kind of poems that would make Edgar Allan Poe cry?"
"No, they are the kind of poems that would give Poe an eating disorder."
Later of course I found out that this girl had to do this website as a part of some school project. I felt a bit bad about posting this review... until I realised that she appeared to be the only one in her class who had enabled public access to her site. Which is just asking for trouble. And as Gen also said:
"She didn't have to put oaks on it - if there hadn't been oaks, I wouldn't have found it, and then she wouldn't get mocked on your blog!"
Bloody school kids.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Melbourne >> Sydney

Here I am, bored in Sydney. Therefore I will write to you all about how much better Melbourne is than Sydney (as you probably guessed from the very mathematical expression that comprises the subject of this message).
For one thing, I am living at home. This wouldn't be so back except for the fact that we live FIFTEEN FRICKIN' KILOMETRES from the GODDAMN CITY.
Next, Sydney has the shittest cafes ever. Plus the coffee sucks. And the names of the cafes are terrible too. Cafe Andronicus? Please, who would want to go to a cafe which sounds like it is inhabited by only "Macho, Macho Men" unless you want to be a member of the Village People.
Also, the city centre is populated by a species of individuals renowned worldwide for their cluelessness and stupidity. That's right, tourists. I challenge anyone in Sydney to ask a random for directions. Because sure as hell you're not gonna get any. Why not? Because there ARE no Sydneysiders in the city. They're all 15 kms from the city drinking terribly weak flat whites.
Then of course there is the nightlife. When your nightlife consists of crappy nightclubs populated by members of the stripey shirt brigade or terrible tourist pubs, well... one would rather drink at home to be honest.
And dare I mention the public transport...?

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Chinese Students' Society

Current Membership:

Mrs. Gertrude Mavis Archibold
Ms. Wilhelmina Gwendolyn van der Höyden
Mr. Horace Maximillien Bernstein
Miss Peggy Bernadine Davidson
Sir Bruce Archibald Farnsworth Sr. the third
Lady Mrs. Constance Daniela Gloria Palmer-Smithson
Madam Susie Wong

The Perils of a Political Life

Well, after a couple of conversations about domineering woman politician types, it has come the attention of both me and Chris Medicine that these battle-axes (I use the term fondly) have one thing in common: their weird names. I mean honestly, let's take a look at some of the names we have on display: Megawati Sukarno-Putri, Benazir Bhutto, Natasha Stott-Despoja, Dawn de Witt, Wilma Beswick, Sirimavo Bandaranaike. Which is probably why they entered politics- to screw over the little fuckers who teased them in primary school. Case in point: Condoleezza Rice.

Honestly, what kind of name is that? We came up with several theories as to how someone could conceivably come up with such an unbelievably odd name and scar their daughter with it at birth forever more. They all involve a father in a state of shock at the thought of having to name his daughter at short notice one way or another.
" I got a condo, would ya like to leeze 'er? Actually that kind of makes a cool name, Condoleezza it is!"

"Oh FUCK... a name?!? Er... Oh dear I haven't got my glasses... COND(ensed milk) OL(ives) - store in the frEEZA after use, mix with RICE and water..."
I think you all get the idea. Honestly the only reason I can conceive of for people not making fun of her name more is either the fact that she is a) scary and probably in complete control of the world's toughest army or b) they assume like the uber-PC, condescending pricks that they are that it is a traditional African name. Like "Moesha". Or "Mya". Or "Brandy". Or "Tina Turner".

Honestly, mate.

Later that night, I had a disturbing thought... who was the leader of these oddly named politicians? Could it be... The Iron Lady?! I thought of the Falklands with horror...

I think this post demonstrates the immaturity of myself and my friends the best. And if anyone even dares mention what my name is, I will make sure my mighty wrath will come down on you from... well... 50 years in the future and that cache of nukeyoular weapons that I'll have from taking over my little island despot haven in the sun and ruling it with an iron fist.

With love,
The Oracle

Thursday, December 09, 2004

The Saga of Princess Peach, Part One

Of all the tut0rs at lovely International House, one clearly stands out for her, well, weirdness. That girl is dear Princess Peach, whom I initially mistook for a fresher. In this new series of posts, I shall enlighten you all with a few anecdotes of our ex-tut0r, who will be sadly missed... *cough*.

Episode 1: Knights on White Horses with Blue Satin Sashes

So, my first real encounter with Princess Peach was in the Senior Common Room. We were all sitting around, and the Squirrel With Arrows On Its Back brought up an interesting study he had read about how certain features - such as large eyes, large ears, fur etc - make something/someone look cute. The subject then changed to "features you find sexually attractive" and in turn to "people you find sexually attractive". The tutors answered in turn and finally the question turned to me...
"So, SG, what kind of guys do you find attractive? You know I'm really interested in finding out because you know, I think lots of guys would be intimidated by how outgoing you are, so I was wondering which guys you like."
So said Princess Peach. We all sorta gave each other funny looks- she really had no idea... The Cradle Snatcher was the first to break the silence.
"Ummm, I don't think her tastes exactly run that way."
"What guys think of me sort of isn't particularly relevant." I added, hoping she'd get the hint.
"Oh, but I think that a guy would really, you know, complement your personality, blah blah blah..."
And she sort of went on like that for a bit. I sort of had to spell it out for her not long after that.
"But what if there was this guy, you know, and he was really nice and handsome and he was really understanding of your situation..."
At that point I realised what I barely thought possible- there, in front of me was a university graduate who really did not understand the concept of homosexuality.
"You know, you're giving quite a good description of someone's best guy friend there," said the Cradle Snatcher.
Princess Peach attempted to continue. Then K-squared interrupted and turned the tables on her:
"So what if there was a girl who had exactly the same features, was really nice, and beautiful and really understanding. Would you go for her?"
Princess Peach of course flatly refused. After quite some discussion we put it to her: would she rather kiss a 70 year old man with syphilis and herpes, or a young beautiful girl of 20?
"I wouldn't kiss either."
"But you have to choose one. Ok, you have to choose or you'll die."
"Well, ok, the 70 year old man with syphilis."
"Alright, what if you had to choose between dying and kissing the girl?"
"I'd choose to die."
"Are you serious?"
"Yes. I wouldn't do anything that would affect my integrity like that!"
"You'd rather die than kiss a girl?"
"Yes. Well maybe if I had a husband and kids who relied on me to be alive maybe I would, but then I would be really depressed."
Riiiight...
And then we got onto the subject of what kind of guy Princess Peach would be into. She described a Prince Charming character (surprise surprise) who was destined to be with her since she was born who's out there somewhere waiting to sweep her off her feet. She wouldn't have to go and find him (and she wouldn't try either), he'd find her.
"You know, if I'd heard that from an 11 year old I'd call it naive, but coming from a 28 year old, no offence, but this is simply stupid," said K-squared who articulated what we were all thinking.
Once again, I was at a complete loss.

Till next time,
- SG Out

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Brilliant!



I don't know what the hell this is, but it's brilliant nonetheless!

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Advertising Mishap!

Seriously, it's okay to drink bottled water. Everyone knows we're running dangerously low on metrosexuals.
Drink Big M instead! That way no-one will think you're gay, they'll just think you're a child!

And kudos to Ms Fits for this dissertation

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

The Price of Beef - a Blog of Average Proportions

The world of blogging is a miraculous one. From what once began as- from what I considered anyway- a rather bizarre exercise in navel-gazing, it has grown to form communities, to blog the world's events as they happen, to, if you will, document the current state and future of our collective musings as a species...

And thus, I was most, *ahem*, interested, to be sent the link to The Beef's very own bl0g. I was not entirely surprised to find it full of the following:
Other highlights include: The Beef, uber-feminist referring to her girlfriend as her "ho"; the fact that apparently everyone at her college hates her; the fact that she sewed her girlfriends bag up but it's ok because "At least I ain't sewing and washing for some grotty chauvinist of a boy."

One only needs to take a glance at the blogs (or should I say, Livejournals) of the other Sony Sound System posse in order to fully appreciate the full essence of that "community". I leave it as an exercise to the reader to follow the friends links on The Beef's blog.

The surprise of course is the blog's similarity to most people's very own logs of self-contemplation. It's apparently not so easy to stand out from the crowd after all, huh? And let's not forget the rather ovine, shall we say, nature of her namesake.

Monday, November 29, 2004

The horrible truth about Charissa, Part Three

After trying to adopt a bouncy child for some time, Charissa and Regine were rather disheartened. They just weren't having any luck. As Charissa was unable to conceive due to having "a uterus like a waterslide", finally Regine decided that she herself would have IVF and give birth to twins. However this was not the real surprise. For as it turned out, Regine was not only Charissa's super-secret lover, she was also... her twin sister! Finally there was an explanation for Regine's intimate knowledge of Charissa's past life; as Regine put it, "I've ridden that waterslide myself"...

And the cycle of incest continues...

Of a Thursday night...

So me and my gay friends were out a couple of weeks ago (yes it really has been that long since I have updated), predictably enough at a gay bar. Afterwards we headed to our local 24hr "Gay Maccas". Big Girl was there with her girlfriend the Predator, and they were kissing. So this total tool of a straight guy- he was short fat, balding and thought he was so cool- walked past and started going on in the following manner:
"Oh my god I just saw two girls kissing blah blah blah it's so attention seeking"
So I'm thinking, what the fuck is this asshole's deal? So I get up and say,
"Yeah, except for the fact that they're going out, wow, how attention seeking, you dickhead! Are you attention seeking when you make out with girls too?"
And he and his posse of violently pink girls (they were the dumbest bimbos ever) start going "Oooooh" and shouting stuff, and then Raunchy Librarian who by this stage is extra drunk as usual starts yelling stuff that is not exactly composed of relavent or effective insults back at them. God bless her soul. Then some random people from the bar we were just at were talking to us and were being "too kewl for schewl". We got up and left after a little while, and as we left I yelled at the straight guy:
"I hope you get laid sometime this decade, I'm sure it hasn't happened for awhile! And that goes for the rest of you too."
And we went outside and then he threw food at us. I went after him but the manager basically shut us out. Fantastic. Of course we all started cracking up... it was the funniest thing that had happened in weeks!

Some people are pricks.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

The horrible truth about Charissa, Part Two

Finally, after some complications from labour, Charissa was sick of giving birth to her family members and instead decided to adopt a daughter with her secret lover, Regine. The relationship was so secret that not even they knew! After much discussion of what they would do with the baby (bounce it, dress it up, change its diapers), and consultation of egg charts, they finally decided that they would raise the baby with Harvard. Harvard of course would do all the icky and feminine tasks... including breast-feeding! Then of course, the ever disdainful Fashionista would reluctantly join in with the child-rearing, because of his supposed Asian Girl Fetish (AGF). However, as it turns out, it's actually... a Bisexual Asian Fetish, which explains his trips to Thailand!!!

Remind me never to sit with these people at dinner again.

Friday, November 05, 2004

Happy Guy Fawkes Day!

I exhort all of you to blow up stuff. Now.

Damn Australia and the fact that fireworks are illegal here (except for Canberra)! Guy Fawkes Day is one of the many cool and fun things about being a New Zealander.

W00t!

Baiting Jungle Animals

Yesterday, I was not in the mood for an argument. Let this post be a warning for all those who would seek to annoy me during exam period. So, Unshaven Tracksuit Chimpanzee (yes, his appearance in the SCR was a random influence for the genesis of this conversation) sat down with me and the Woodland Creatures at dinner. I could tell he was spoiling for an argument, especially one of those ones which was especially wanky, pedantic and annoying... fortunately the conversation turned to the time that Minty-Fresh, Young Grasshopper and other random people dared me to stay silent for 20 minutes- and to their surprise I succeeded. Unshaven Tracksuit Chimpanzee and the others were laughing at me, and suddenly inspiration struck.
"I bet you couldn't keep quiet for 20 minutes," I said to him.
"I refuse this dare," he replied, the pussy.
"That's because you can't actually do it," I retorted, and finally he consented to the dare. I started my stopwatch...
At 1:42 he gesticulated to ask how long it had been.
"Not long enough," I muttered, and told him what the time was.
At around 4:00 I decided it was time to bait him for fun. So I started chatting to Not-So-Sweet Caroline about the environment and economics- two topics that were guaranteed to set him off. You could see the pain reflected in his poor eyes; he was making such an effort to gesticulate and say "mmm" instead of actually talking. Especially because I took the stance that environmentalism was compatible with economic growth.
Then finally, at 6:25, he got up to clear his plate... and headed for the JCR, away from us all. At this point I knew that I had effectively won. And sure enough, when we went into the JCR, there he was, talking to a group of people.
"You appear to have lost the bet," I said.
There was naught he could do but agree.

MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Curious Caroline's Concubines!

Dear readers,
Have you ever found yourself lonely late at night? Has there been a conspicuous lack of gentleman callers to your residence? Then contact "Curious Caroline's Concubines", your first port of call at those times when you are in the mood for some rambunctious love-making. Not-So-Sweet Caroline, your lovely and discreet madam, will arrange a pleasurable masculine presence for your evenings. Either drop into our bordello, cunningly hidden in a secret alleyway for your confidentiality or we shall deliver a gentleman for your pleasure to your very household. Choose from our exotic selection of men, such as the swarthy Crazy Fijian and the mysterious North Pole Penguine. With our professional attitude, you can be sure your secret is safe with us!

Visit: Curious Caroline's Concubines!
333A, 1st Lane
Municipality of Ross
Sherwood Forest

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

New Design for the Site

I've been playing around with the format a bit over the last 2 days as you can probably tell.
Direct your comments and suggestions here.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

The Gay Republic of Fiji

Me and my gay friends have a plan... as we are persecuted all over the world, we are going to generate our own homeland, the Gay Republic of Fiji. The plan is: we'll all immigrate to Fiji until we actually outnumber the Fiji Islanders. Then we apply to the UN for country status, and use political connections to get our way. We'll then segregate all the Fiji Islanders to one tiny part of the island, and we'll build a huge fence to keep them away from us. Gay Fiji Islanders are allowed to stay in the Gay Republic of Fiji, however. All queer/gay people are automatically allowed to immigrate to the Gay Republic of Fiji. The only problem of course being the multiple special interest groups who will want to secede, such as the Bisexual Secessionists, the Lesbian Separatists, the Post-Structural Non-Heteronormative Butlerists and the Leather Men. However, deep down, it will always be our island paradise in the sun!

What fun!

Drunken Antics

So, as of Thursday and Friday nights' drinking, I have a few stories to share, which is usually what happens when I consume alcohol in large quantities. Firstly, me and Raunchy Librarian are going to open up a poetry helpline called "Poets' Corner" where your questions are answered by Raunchy Librarian quoting Adrienne Rich, Emily Dickinson and Sylvia Plath. "Piece by piece", etc. And as it turns out Big Girl is actually Olga the Russian porn voiceover star who has taken up a British accent for immigration purposes. She and I met in London, where we fell in love and had a hairy Russian baby called Alex. The father was the CommuNazi in his guise as Sergei. And on Friday night, another truth was revealed... If you're going to make out with someone with 3-day stubble, not only is it sexy, but you should also wear pants, or risk ending up with cuts all over your legs.

Enlightening stuff.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Cargasm!

So, today, I have finally confronted my true feelings. I think I have a crush...

On the BMW Z3. Oh my god, what a HOT car. Let me just say that for a "secret" love of mine, this one is probably the one which has caused the most spontaneous orgasms to the general public. In fact I will go so far as to say that I do not know of a single other car model which has inspired in me the random, and must I say, long-lasting love that this car has inspired in me. (Oh, and lets not forget the cargasms... I think the Z3 far out-performs Thyroid Girl as far as orgasms are concerned.)

I don't know if it's the cute overall look; or those sexy ventilation bits near the engine; or perhaps the proportions that suggest that it's way more powerful than its small size would initially lead you to expect. Whatever it is, this is a sexy car.

I know it's an old car. I know that by the time I can afford one they'll probably all be out of commission. I know that small cars aren't all that practical in the long run and that I'll probably never know how to really handle a real sports car or know how to treat it the way it deserves. I know that you're all laughing at me for having a big crush on a car. But it could be worse. I could have a crush on a cabbage. Or on sushi. Wait a minute, I do have a crush on california rolls... I mean... errr... *cough*

In other news, The Master has stated that he would indeed have a threesome with a rhinoceros and a toaster, the proviso being that it has to be a sexy lady rhinoceros. Minty-Fresh, however, is requesting the hasty return of her pets and appliances. The Oracle stands by, bemused as ever.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Random Quotes

Spellkeeper:
My mum is cool and shit I forget the word.
Camberwell:
Don't discount the affection of a potato queen. God bless Amos!
Minty-Fresh:
I don't care who it is! It'd still be disgusting if you were a rhinoceros and a toaster!
Young Grasshopper:
A sleeping Dan is a happy Dan.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Gender Studies 101

So, today we have the o-week elections at college, and as usual they are the usual collection of rather humourous but highly wrong performances. The impressive degree to which the male population of International House will go to find new and creative ways in which to dress up as a girl is also... suspicious. One act in particular was rather intriguing as to its subtext. Let me deconstruct this act, gender studies style:

First, we have 4 guys and 1 girl in suits. They do a dance.
Nothing interesting here. Move along.

Next, they all rip off their costumes to reveal schoolgirl outfits.
Alright, so the boys have had a sex change.

The "girls" split into pairs (plus the real girl who's just on her own) and dance dodgily with each other.
They're transsexual lesbians who are into other transsexual lesbians?

Then one of the "girls" of each pair unwraps a banana, holds it in front of "her" groin, and the other one eats it.
Oh, my mistake, they're pre-op. CHICKS WITH DICKS! LESBIANS! INTERRACIAL! TEENS AMATEUR! HORNY SCHOOLGIRLS! VOTe FOR MY TEH WEBSITE XXX W4R3Z!!!

Oh yeah, and the random girl is just there, looking happy for no apparent reason.
Fag Hags. Honestly, when will they ever learn.

Yeah, I'm not sure what to do except offer betting odds for The Master having a sex change by age 40. Hmmm...

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Super-Special Magical Powers!

Alright, I think I've got it. I know exactly why the lights in our apartment keep blowing. This story begins with a game called Arcanum and a political party called Family First.

According to this news story, certain Family First supporters believe that lesbians are witches and should be burnt at the stake. While the first time I read it I was frankly quite disturbed at the fact that there were people who had views like that who could potentially end up in government, the next thought which occurred to me was along the lines of "Cool! I have magical powers!"

However, you see, in the world of Arcanum, people fit along a continuum of magic users and science/technology users. Science/technology users don't tend to have anything supernatural happen around them and thus magic tends to fail around them. On the other hand, machinery and gadgets tend to malfunction around magic users to a higher than normal degree.

Which brings me to my final point. My computer's acting weirdly and lights have been blowing in our place since we moved in. And it's obviously one of the unfortunate side-effects of being supernaturally talented. But soon enough I'm sure I'll be able to cast some light spell or something and all will be well!

Just have to start working on those curses. I'm sure they'll come in handy when the next election comes around...

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Election Summary 2004

< RANT >

So, Little Johnny Howard's back in again. With the majority in Senate he's always needed to boot. What can I say, except that Australia as a country is screwed. We're going backwards here people. We're a country which is supposed to pride itself on its social welfare system and general sense of honesty, decency and "the fair go". We're supposed to be egalitarian and live by rule of law. Instead the general public decides to re-elect a lying scumbag who is for discrimination, dismantling the public health and education systems and has a love for sending our people to war and our standing in the international community to shit.

Why on earth people would re-elect him is beyond me. The Liberal party has had such a string of miserable scandals that in any other country their leader would have to step down out of pure embarrassment. In Australia, he just keeps lying, blames someone else and his leadership rating climbs. It's not even like you can call it a failure of democracy. It was a free and fair election in a democratic, first world country. It's a failure of culture. People just don't care. Or think. For them, an extra $6 a week is worth more than a good healthcare system. Low interest rates are worth more than educating their kids. And apparently it is possible to protect forests and logging jobs.

And lets not forget the bigotry. This is the country where an election was won on the basis of shutting out "dirty refugees". Gay marriage was banned here a few weeks ago because Labor decided to stop being an opposition party just long enough to let the legislation through. It would be somewhat understandable for a country to want to stay still because it's afraid of change, but what is unforgivable is for a country to go backwards. Being exactly like our Big Brother America is not a good thing. We are not a huge country of 300 million in the middle of North America. We're in the Asia-Pacific region, we have 20 million people and we are not going to benefit from free-trade agreements with huge agricultural economies.

One day I'm sure I'll laugh, when I sit in my huge office overlooking Lake Geneva. Until then, folks...

< /RANT >

Friday, October 08, 2004

Lygon Street is the new "Weirdo HQ"

So me, Camberwell, Pet0r and Ferrero were having dinner on Lygon Street in one of those outside tables. As we're waiting for our dinner, I see Mary Magdalene and Jesus out of the corner of my eye. I'm not particularly fond of this ex or her boyfriend so obviously I turn away slightly and ignore them. They finish walking past and I say to my friends "thank god the people I'm ignoring have finished walking past" and they're like "who were those 2 people staring at us?" and I tell them who they were, and we just crack up. So we talk for a bit about how weird that behaviour was, and then me and Pet0r look over our shoulders at them, and they are totally staring at us from halfway down the road.

Some people obviously have nothing better to do with their time, huh?

Saturday, October 02, 2004

It's all going to end in tears!

Thus spake The Oracle, several weeks ago. And a couple of Thursdays ago, the prophecy of The Oracle came to pass indeed. Let me illustrate via several examples:

1) Raunchy Librarian and the Glorified Ferret
The Glorified Ferret ignored Raunchy Librarian all night, asked her repeatedly why she wasn't sleeping with other people, and then when she got annoyed, claimed that she was "too heteronormative" for him. Needless to say, she was rather upset. Later, on the phone to her, he cried too because he "felt bad about coming across as being patronising".

2) Big Girl and Lambchop
Big Girl and Lambchop were making out, when Small Girl poured beer all over them for no apparent reason. Lambchop assumed that Big Girl and Small Girl were going out, and even when Big Girl emphatically denied it, she decided she'd changed her mind about the whole affair and went home without saying goodbye. Needless to say, Big Girl was also upset.

3) Simone and Balls
Despite the fact that Simone and Balls were supposed to have had a date one night, Oven's Kate kept rather inconveniently being around. This was also the case on Thursday night. However I don't think anyone cried, which makes this a rather pathetic example.

4) 2 Unnamed People
Apparently a certain couple that no-one knows about split up. No-one knows about that either. Apparently it also ended in tears, but given that no-one knows, no-one appears to care.

Damn couples.

Win a trip to WARHAMMER WORLD in the UK!

So, as it turns out, when you buy "Dawn of War", you receive an entry form to win a trip to Warhammer World in Nottingham. Aetherfox asked me whether I'd like the entry form as he won't even be around to go if he won...

Warhammer World? That's all I have to say! I can just imagine what it'd be like...

"Ride in your very own Dreadnought!!
Fight in your very own Eldar squad!!
Feed the Squiggoth!!
(Contrary to popular belief, the Squiggoth is a gentle creature, who enjoys grazing in many meadows in the known universe. It can be found in limited numbers on several starsystems near Tartarus. Current status: Endangered)
Water slides!!"

Alright, so I actually did look up the website to see what Warhammer World is actually like in reality.



It looks like the dining hall of Ormond College.


Sunday, September 26, 2004

Not that amusing

"There is only one thing that people run for consistently and that is public transport"
Ok, I didn't think that quote of mine was that amusing, but everyone else seemed to.

Whatever.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Bloody Gwailos

The other day, me, Pet0r, Raunchy Librarian and Camberwell decided to go to this rather famous small, dodgy-looking dumpling house. Camberwell as usual was late. We waited for him for another 20 mins and then when we called him he still hadn't left uni. So we went and ordered pending his arrival. Of course Pet0r and Raunchy Librarian proceeded to act like those loud annoying white people at Chinese restaurants. I'll give you an example:


Raunchy Librarian (loudly): Oh my god, dish of vegetables my ass, there's only ONE kind of vegetable here!!
Pet0r (also loudly): Eww this looks like SNOT! I'm not eating that!!

At this point of course all the Chinese denizens of this small dumpling house have turned to look at us threateningly and rather ironically I find myself telling those two off for being loud, rude and idiotic. They didn't even appreciate the dumplings after all of that...

Honestly mate. That is so rude!

Friday, September 17, 2004

Small Piece of Conversation

Minty-Fresh: Oh look, Elaine is behind you!
Me: Oh hi Elaine!
Elaine and Minty-Fresh start poking each other
Me: The Fur Seal and the Mouse are poking each other!
Elaine (astonished): You're a Fur Seal?
Minty-Fresh: Why, yes.
Elaine: Hi.
Minty-Fresh: Hi.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Dinner with Dr Thing

So, in one of my few college dinner appearances, I sat next to Fearsome_Beret and good ol' Dr Thing. As usual I was laying down my "I got more passports than you all, and I can be Australian or International when it suits me" schtick. Let me make it clear I was being my usual self, and therefore not really caring all that much about the competition aspect of it... Let me now repeat for you how the conversation went so wrong:

Me: I gots more passports than you no-passport los0rs.
Fearsome: Well, I got no reason to leave the country so why would I have a passport?
Dr Thing: You may have passports but I have a girlfriend*
Me: I've made out with your girlfriend*
Dr Thing: And she said you were crap
Me: How do you know I don't have a girlfriend anyway?
Dr Thing: Because you never have before...
Me: Well I could secretly be seeing someone and you'd never know...*
Dr Thing: Prove it. Tell me who she is...
Me: Well, if it's a secret I can't tell you can I?
Dr Thing: There is no-one is there...
Me: I was speaking hypothetically, in the case that that person existed.

*Note the fact that these sentences are both true AND funny.

Ad infinitum.

I told Minty-Fresh about it. I believe she was suitably amused by the irony. Well, I hope so at the very least.

Amusingly enough today, Dr Thing joined Minty-Fresh and I after dinner today. And wouldn't LEAVE when I wanted to talk to her privately.

Hmmm... I wonder why.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Philosophy of Sex

Today, I asked Aetherfox whether he'd be top or bottom in sex, and then I groped myself, while looking thoughtfully into the distance...

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

First Aid

Me: "Yeah, I did Level 2 First Aid. What's the worst situation you can imagine yourself in where you have to assist with first aid?"
Palm Tree Girl: "So there's this guy, he's sitting on a cliff surrounded by fire, and I just go and sit on a chainsaw."

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Quote of the Day

Her vagina is like Federation Square; many have visited, and they all left because it was so disappointing.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Bind THIS!

So, today in the Queer Lounge Siren Elmira the Seductress and da Cheese were having an argument due to the fact that Siren voted for Labor banning gay marriage despite being gay himself. Da Cheese was going off at him for all the hypocrisy in his arguments, and we all agreed with her. Of course, there was little point in trying to argue with him, as he "binds to what the caucus decides", which is another way of saying that he's a sheep.

So Pet0r decided to call a vote. All those who agreed with Siren: 1. All those who agreed with da Cheese: 6. Then I proclaimed it to be a binding caucus. And that was that.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Pyrexia of Unknown Origin...

So, several days after a nice episode of Siren Elmira the Seductress's delirious glandular fever-induced rantings on the couch about how we should find accomodation on a 6-day cruise in the Mediterranean for $5000, we found ourself walking down to Lygon with the Stalker, who was similarly delirious. After lots of nonsense, we asked him if he had glandular fever. To which he replied: "D'Angelo Fever? What's that?". Bizarre.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Minty-fresh and Silky-smooth

And now, the story of how Minty-Fresh got her nickname. And some other random stuff.

Yes, it was a late-night conversation in the foyer which started the saga... Minty-Fresh, Young Grasshopper and Andrea with a W and I were hanging out, and of course as all late-night conversations do, the conversation turned to random dodginess. So someone says "hmmm, I reckon minty lubricant would be cool" and Minty-Fresh immediately interjects "No! It would burn!", which immediately earned her such a nickname.

And after another late night conversation, here is what Minty-Fresh will do with any young man she wishes to date:

1) Ask him if he's seen "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"
2) Sniff him
3) Shave him with mint-flavoured shaving cream
4) Dress him
5) Put other deodorant on him
6) Take him to "Eternal Sunshine" and make out with him for 1/7 of the movie
7) Strip him, cover him in minty shaving cream/toothpaste stuff, and then lick him clean while he makes chimpanzee noises.

Needless to say, anytime I mention ANY words in that description at dinner, Minty-Fresh bursts out laughing... unless she employs some "zen-like calm" in which case, there's a delay before she giggles.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

The Beef.

Camberwell, Jay and I sat in the Queer Lounge one day, playing with one of those creepy lamb toys which makes a noise when you tip it over. It'd been in the QL for ages, strung up from one of the windows in some kind of weird bungy-like position. Anyway, so Ferrero asks us to pass "the Beef" (obviously referring to the lamb toy). Me and Camberwell just crack up, for about 10 mins, at which point Pet0r is totally weirded out by us. So yeah, we named our new QL mascot lamb "The Beef".

Later, at Karaoke, we decided that the Sheila fangirl reminded us of The Beef with her innocent college-girl face, but try-hard tough behaviour. So she's called "The Beef" too. You can tell them apart by the italics.

So now you know.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Gay men are sick.

Dammit, I'm sick of it. Every time we get a case study on a gay man, either there is an assumption in the case study that the guy has to have HIV testing or everyone in my stupid group thinks that all gay men should automatically be tested for HIV even if they came in with back pain or something totally irrelevant. This time is no different; the guy (who is a white Australian) comes in with what looks like skin cancer for gods' sake, the case notes talk about how they did a sexual history and asked for an HIV test and MY GROUP FINDS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! There is a possibility that the reason that the doctor in the case study suspects HIV is because of a viral skin infection common in immunocompromised patients which can have a similar description... but NO-ONE in my group even considered that skin infection. They think it is relevant just because the guy, who is in a 29-year monogamous relationship and usually only has oral sex, is GAY. I'm pretty sure this is some 20 years after they changed the name of GRID or Gay-Related Immunodeficiency to AIDS.

I think the reason that I am pissed off is because people act as if being a gay man is some kind of disease which has the common complication of HIV/AIDS. People forget that most people infected with HIV in the world are straight. Straight women have the highest rates of new infections in Australia. In fact, so many of the straight people I know engage in either risky sexual behaviour or have never had an STD test despite their slutty behaviour. Lesbians are no better- they just assume they can't get anything, despite the fact that syphilis, herpes, chlamydia and gonorrhea can all be transmitted by oral sex... and a surprisingly high number of lesbians have sex with gay men. The blatant hypocrisy of straight people however is what really gets me. They are willing to point the finger, but they can't take any responsibility for themselves.

Amusingly enough, I just called my mother and she has no idea why anyone would take a sexual history for someone with skin cancer just because they're gay. And she is a relatively conservative woman.

I am at a total loss.

Sunday, August 01, 2004

What's she on? I want me some of that!

Last night was the Booze Cruise, which I didn't go to. As people were arriving back and hanging out in the foyer I decided to tease this girl, Evelyn by telling people she was on crack. She, rather surprisingly, took me seriously and was annoyed. Then she challenged me to a duel with her plastic pirate swords. As we had both done some fencing before we ended up having this random foil duel in the middle of the foyer. It was utterly retarded. There are now some photos apparently...

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Japanese Restaurant

In the future I will open a Japanese restaurant which specialises in mushroom dishes. Its name? The Nagasaki.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Neopets 0wnz j00

So, right now, Aetherfox, as in "Aetherfox, L33t Master of Games" got totally owned by a tree stump in Neopets.

Sunday, July 25, 2004

Clones and Fairy Robots

So, for the past couple of nights, me and Tynic et al. have been doing a bit of ye olde bar hopping, in both the city and Fitzroy. During our wanderings, we've noticed a couple of new species of bar denizens. That's right, the Clones and the Fairy Robots.

Clones:
We stood in the Deanery next to a table which was apparently empty, but for the coats of its so-called occupiers, who stood casually talking, in ostentatious defiance of our obvious desire to sit at the table. Eventually we did however- soon after, the previous occupants decided to take their apparel and leave. And then we did see the Clones. Three or four women, strikingly alike in countenance somehow, and yet not all that alike at all. We could not fathom the reason for their similarity- they were not identical, and yet they seemed frighteningly similar, in the way that married couples grow to resemble each other. Their haircuts, their style of apparel, their general facial structure appeared to correlate to a large degree, and yet, that still did not seem to explain their freakish resemblance.
Such bizarre occurrences were forgot until the following night, when we sat in a bar adorned with the posters of Communist Chinese propaganda films. We made way for a group of women leaving the bar. They paused and then... their resemblance to the clones of the previous night was apparent. In fact we were convinced that these were the very women who had so weirded us out earlier. However, it was hard to say whether these were the original clones so to speak, or clones of clones. We left with no firm opinion on these strange events.

Fairy Robots:
At Café Nova, a girl sat with shiny "robot boots" on. She also had a tiara and was wearing that style of clothing which screams "I am a cute girl", which sort of went with her vacuous expression quite well. We imagined that her outfit would be complete with the addition of some fairy wings. And thus the legend of the fairy robots was born.
The Black Pearl also sported its very own fairy robot. She had her own robot shoes, her clothing was that lacy kind of op-shop clothing and she wore huge fake pearls which in my opinion were her equivalent of a tiara. These "pearls" were more accurately described as small lustrous balls, and the fake oysters which spawned them would probably be the size of small children.

These events have reinforced what I've known about Melbourne for quite sometime- that it is a place filled with complete weirdos.

SG out

Saturday, July 24, 2004

The horrible truth about Charissa... a Soap Opera

Charissa woke up on a boat with amnesia. Not long afterwards, she met a guy and fell in love with him. Only later did she find out that he was actually her... brother! However by this stage she was pregnant, and felt really screwed up about the fact that she was pregnant with her brother's child. However what she didn't know was that the child she was bearing was actually... her twin sister! She had been secretly impregnated in her sleep. After giving birth to her twin sister, she fell pregnant again. It turned out that this child would actually become her own father. Time travel was somehow involved. This kind of thing happened for some time, until she gave birth to her great great aunt. At this point she had a "uterus like a waterslide" and was just poppin' 'em out.

This story comes courtesy of Regine, who is one fucked up motherfucker. Yes, you heard it here.

Monday, July 19, 2004

Fucking Dishes

Dirty dishes are like an ugly girlfriend... You only do them because you HAVE to.

You know you're bored when...

  • You check your email 100 times in any given day.
  • You find this fact amusing enough to put in your blog.
  • You find recursive jokes amusing.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

Tasty!



How to make a "Snipergirl"
Ingredients:

5 parts competetiveness

1 part crazyiness

3 parts ego
Method:
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little caring if desired!


Username:




I'll leave it as an exercise to the reader to work out how accurate that is...


Friday, July 16, 2004

Targeted Advertising?

So I load up my blog for some blogging action regarding drunken exploits and I notice that the Google targeted advertising is for "Boyfriend". Related searches? They were for "Girlfriend".

Let me take this opportunity to say "WTF?!?!"

Drunken Antics

Last night, I:
  • Made out with one of my hot gay man friends for fun while my other friends in the background were going "Ewww. Gross! Straight people!!"
  • Almost got with some random other girl who was nice at the time (I'm on the rebound, I'm on the rebound, I'm on the rebound)
  • Threw up in the McDonalds bathroom
  • Walked all the way home from Smith Street, got there at 6am and thought I was going to make it to my 8:30 class
Last night, Athena:
  • "Went home in the back of a divvy van"

Thursday, July 15, 2004

The Secret Life of Fictional Characters...

So, Fearsome Beret and I, as well as spending this part of the pre-semester period in the same vicinity, are also working on a movie idea of mine from back in the day. It's a bit of "Pepi, Luci, Bom", a bit of "Chasing Amy", perhaps with some of the techniques of "Y Tu Mama Tambien. One may wonder how such a weird combination of influences could ever work but... we'll see.

Anyway, what's prompting me to post on this fine evening is that I read out some of the insights I had about my characters a few months ago. Interesting observations such as "Stephanie Walsh is a bit of a social climber and doens't respect her friendships" and "Fiona can be a bit up-herself". Yes that's right, while I may love I characters I apparently bitch about them behind their back too. Still, I suppose they deserve it. Steph for breaking up with Kate and then sleeping with some random guy, and Fiona for making Steph have doubts about Kate in the first place. In fact, Kate could really have been a little bit more understanding and a little less of a whore for the relationship. I'm sure that Hannah is really the only sensible one of the lot of them, but she just projects all her feelings about her gay ex-boyfriend onto others' relationships. Lindsay, Megan and Sarah can go to hell in my opinion and probably will. I feel sorry for Matt. He's such a nice guy and Steph is probably just using him to get over Kate.

Amusingly enough Matt is the character most like Fearsome Beret and Kate is the character most like me. And let's not go into the resemblance of Steph to certain young ladies that I know...

Monday, July 12, 2004

You are a...

COCKMONSTER!

Seriously, isn't it the best descriptive insult you've heard all day?

Yesterday

So, this is a post more about things which freaked me out rather than amused me.

My friend Fearsome Beret found "Ken Park", the Larry Clark movie about, no surprises here, suburbia and fucked up teens, on the College Network.

Suffice it to say, I have never seen such repulsive sex on film ever before. Not even that time that when Memoir showed us that porn about teaching the sad individuals who would watch such porn how to cause female ejaculation.

Maybe I'm a prude, but seeing people have graphic, explicit sex would sort of be ok... if they actually seemed to be enjoying it in some kind of normal way or actually seemed to have some kind of liking for each other. The sex in "Ken Park" was just soulless sex between people who seemed alternately bored, horny, inhuman, manipulative and mostly, creepy.

In fact, creepy is the word which really sums up "Ken Park". The characters themselves are creepy and it is difficult if not impossible to sympathise with such people. Three somewhat "paedophilic" sexual interactions (I would hesitate to call them sex) are depicted for example. By that I mean teenagers of about 15 having sex with people who are their parents or people who are old enough to be their parents in a completely manipulative seeming context. Then of course there is the clearly mentally disturbed Tate, who verbally abuses his grandparents, asphyxiates himself while masturbating to Anna Kournikova (in the most disgusting example of genitalia and ejaculate I have ever seen) and kills them in their sleep.

There was way too much cock. Too much ugly, hairy misshapen cock. Jeez, even I've seen better looking cock in my time, and I'm a lesbian for goodness' sake! Fearsome and I spent much of that movie giving each other good ol' freaked out looks every 5 minutes.

Finally it finished.

"It'd better be a fucking wholesome show we choose to cleanse ourselves" I muttered.
"Brady bunch wholesome" said Fearsome
"Oh no, I think after that, the Brady Bunch would just freak the hell out of me."

So we started watching an episode of "Sex and the City"...